The Sword of the Mushroom King
by Aardvark123
Summary: (Yogfic) Free from the clutches of King Jeff, Zoeya is really enjoying her life in Blackrock Stronghold when some demon goes and burns it to the ground. Cast out of their home, she, Rythian, and friends old and new must seek the Sword of the Mushroom King, facing ghosts, Elementals, pyramids, sticky mud, and at least one Yeti. Blackrock Chronicle will never be the same again!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**

Good day. I am Aardvark123, son of Aardvark122, and this is my first fanfiction. The Sword of the Mushroom King is an epic adventure story set in the world of Rythian and Zoey's Tekkit series, with plenty of humour, action, drama, and maybe even a little romance. It doesn't necessarily follow their plot perfectly, but isn't that the point of fanfiction?

As of now, the story is complete, so there's no need to worry about being left hanging if and when I forget to update it. Please enjoy it, leave a review, and above all, don't take any of it too seriously. This is a Yogfic, after all.

Now, without further ado, on with the story!

**Chapter 1: Of Mushroom Farms and Wraiths**

The sun rose over the great pine forest, shining its light like warm, friendly, golden honey between the dark green needles and casting shadows upon the crisp snow beneath. The light slowly crossed the forest, and then the swamplands beyond, coming eventually to a mighty black stone castle, known to its inhabitants as Blackrock Stronghold, situated on a flat bit between the swamps and the towering mountains of the west. Sunlight glinted off the railings on the walkways between the stronghold's four mighty corner towers and shone through its clear glass windows, coming at last to warm and brighten the eyelids of the powerful mage and alchemist Rythian.

Rythian awoke with the yawn of the truly well-slept, stretched, and brushed some sleep out of his glittering purple eyes. He rolled gently onto his side to awaken Zoeya, the red-haired woman slumbering next to him on their massive blue four-poster. She was his apprentice, girlfriend, and occasionally his interior decorator, as well as a serious mushroom enthusiast.

"Good morning, Rythian," said Zoeya once she had woken up, with a lot more cheer than most people managed this early in the morning. She spoke in a bright, cheerful voice with a Cockney accent.

"Good morning," replied Rythian, not quite so cheerfully. He had a loud, fairly dramatic voice.

This lengthy and informative dialogue complete, Zoeya sat up and leaned forwards to awaken the third person upon the bed.

"Teep, it's time to get up," she said, giving him a gentle shake. Teep was a dinosaur, a fairly generic scaly green carnivorous therapod with lots of teeth, but considerably smaller than usual. He lay curled up in the sun at the feet of Rythian and Zoeya, keeping their toes warm when necessary, and when not warming feet he was a world-class archer and marksman. (Or maybe markosaurus?)

Although Teep awoke as requested, he made no reply to Zoeya, nor did he speak once as the three went about their morning ablutions. He maintained his rugged silence as Rythian garbed himself in a manly adventurer's outfit, including a billowing black cape and one of those face-masks bandits wear. He spoke not one word while Zoeya dressed herself in a somewhat less outlandish outfit and arranged her bright red hair into a rather large and messy ponytail. While this could be explained by how long, complicated and engrossing it was for Teep to brush his many enormous teeth, he had actually been rendered mute by a massive nuclear explosion that had completely destroyed the Old World, killing everybody in the process.

Fortunately, they all got better and were able to found the New World, where Teep, Zoeya, Rythian and their friends (not to mention enemies) now lived.

* * *

Having finished their ablutions, Rythian, Zoeya and Teep gathered around the large wood-and-glass dining table near which they kept their blackboard, upon which Zoeya had drawn a smiley face that nobody could be bothered to rub out. Rythian settled himself on a comfortable wooden chair, gazing at the familiar surroundings surrounding him, definitely not as an excuse for me to describe the room to you. The black stone walls, the gleaming white marble floor, the eternally burning torches lighting the walls, the ornate double doors between each room and the corridors beyond, the bookcase, the bed, the modest screen behind which Zoeya dressed herself, the vase of flowers on the bedside table… He loved Blackrock Stronghold, built from scratch by Zoeya, Teep and himself after they left the Old World behind.

"So, what shall we do today?" asked Zoeya. "Play hide-and-seek? Read? Watch TV? Research the darkest mysteries of the Arcana?"

"The last one, of course," replied Rythian, "but we won't be doing anything dark, per se. I think it's about time we got a proper security system."

"Oh, right. I could rig up some CCTV cameras, if you like," suggested Zoeya.

"I said a _proper_ security system," Rythian reminded her. He despised science, which, in his mind, included any even remotely advanced technology not magical in nature. "I think some Animated weapons should do the trick, maybe some-"

He was interrupted by the booming call of a cockerel, causing him to jump high into the air, knocking his chair backwards and colliding with the ceiling, which was made from the same white marble as the floor.

"Jesus!" cried Rythian, gritting his teeth against the pain of the collision. "That wasn't funny!" he added, as Zoeya collapsed with laughter, and Teep calmly retrieved the fallen chair.

"He was late, you know," commented Zoeya, once she had stopped laughing.

"Indeed, and you know what that means, don't you?" asked Rythian.

"Yep. We're having an omelette for breakfast," declared Zoeya.

There was a pause, while Rythian and Teep tried to reason out the logic behind this statement.

"And how, exactly, do you come to that conclusion?" enquired Rythian.

"Well, if the cockerel slept late, he must've been up late last night doing things, and those things might cause certain female poultry to produce more eggs, if you catch my drift, so we should have an omelette to avoid ending up with a surplus," reasoned Zoeya.

"We've got more than enough room to store some extra eggs, Zoeya."

"Yes, but I fancy an omelette."

There was another pause.

"Okay," said Rythian, "we shall have an omelette."

"Yay!" rejoiced Zoeya, getting up from her chair. "I'll get some mushrooms."

"Mushrooms?" repeated Rythian.

"We can't have an omelette without mushrooms," replied Zoeya.

"Okay. Fine. You go ahead and fetch some mushrooms. Teep and I'll start on the actual omelette," said Rythian, who had long ago learned that the best way of dealing with Zoeya was to just go with the flow.

* * *

Zoeya felt quite at home in the cool air of Blackrock Stronghold's underground. Before they built the stronghold and met Teep, she and Rythian had spent most of their time down in the caverns below, carefully pickaxing ores and gemstones out of rock, and then Transmuting them into more useful materials, such as dark matter. Transmutation was one of the many Arcane Arts, and the basis of alchemy. Everything had its own value, depending on how rare and useful it was, and Transmutation involved changing stuff into other stuff of equivalent value.

Lighting her way with a small handheld fire, Zoeya made her way down a steep staircase Rythian had created down to the caverns. She passed various alcoves and cave openings, as well as the entrance to a derelict computer facility known as B.A.R.R.Y, which Zoeya had built in secret for complicated reasons. She was not altogether sure Rythian had fully forgiven her yet…

In one of the damper caves, Zoeya had made a mushroom farm. It looked the same now as when she had first made it, except with a lot more newly grown mushrooms. They were everywhere: They grew from some mud on the floor, from mouldering logs, from cracks and crevices in the walls, and even from the ceiling.

Enjoying the heady aroma of fresh moist earth mixed with fungal spores, Zoeya gathered the finest fungi, stashing them in a wicker basket she had taken with her. Only the best would do for an omelette, of course. She trod carefully between mushrooms, making sure not a single piece of fungus ended up between the ground and her shoe, until the basket was full, and she was ready to head back up.

And then she saw it.

* * *

"Zoeya's been gone for quite a while, hasn't she?" commented Rythian, sitting next to Teep on the enormous bed with an omelette rapidly cooling down between them.

* * *

From the shadows of a dark cave came an eerie blue glow. Three iridescent purple eyes stared out of the gloom, tracking the red-haired woman as she advanced cautiously towards them. As the creature stepped forth, the woman extended a friendly hand, but the creature could sense her fear, a pale, skittish, yellow smudge on the Aura.

"Hello?" she said nervously.

"Tremble before me, mortal, for I am Ĕħîøłþĵæç, Destroyer of Worlds!" replied the creature, in a loud, booming voice.

"D-destroyer of Worlds? Um, tha-that must be an interesting job," stammered Zoeya, backing away to the door. "It'd probably be a r-real turn-off if… if you ever want to m-meet people, though."

"At last, after ten thousand years of imprisonment, I have awakened to consume the world in the Blaze of Wrath!" declared Ĕħîøłþĵæç, striding out from the shadows towards Zoeya.

"G-good for you, but I r-really must be going. Bye!" called Zoeya, dashing out of the cave and away to safety. She had only run a few steps when the roof of the cave began glowing white-hot, dripping globules of magma down upon her. Shielding her head with her mushroom basket, Zoeya sprinted away, then was knocked head-over-heels by a sphere of dark purple energy.

"There is no escape, worthless rat! All shall burn in my wake!" roared Ĕħîøłþĵæç, stalking after her with surprising speed. "Prepare to die!" he added, his hands (all four of them) blazing with blue fire.

Thinking fast, Zoeya set alight the wicker basket with some fire of her own, and tossed it into the face of the Destroyer of Worlds. Saying a quick prayer for the noble mushrooms who had ridden it to their deaths, she ran for her very life.

And then the fire came.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: The Fall of Blackrock Stronghold**

"Oh, my goodness! Oh, my heavens! Oh, my days!" The cries of fear echoed throughout Blackrock Stronghold. Zoeya ran for her life up the stairs from the caverns, then up the wooden ladder and into the castle's corridors. Her shoes clattered upon the marble floor, leaving skid marks at each turning. An eerie, azure-blue glow warmed the air behind her, casting strange, twisted shadows in her path. As she raced along the main corridor leading to all the rooms, what chased her became apparent: evil, sapient blue fire pursued Zoeya, creating the glow and melting the floor. It moved as fast as quicksilver, quickly devouring anything flammable, devouring anything not flammable with slightly less speed. Zoeya just about managed to stay ahead. She had to get away and warn her friends, and hopefully manage not to die a long, slow, painful death in the process.

Finally, Zoeya burst through the double doors into the bedroom, where Rythian and Teep sat upon the bed with a third of an omelette sitting forlornly on a plate between them.

"I'm afraid you took too long, Zoeya, so we had our shares of the omelette, and-" began Rythian, but Zoeya paid him no heed. She moved a bookcase in front of the doors, put a vase of flowers on the bookcase, took a few seconds to get her breath back, and then spoke.

"We're all in terrible danger," she said. "There's some blue fire burning its way through the castle, up from the caverns, and a Destroyer of Worlds called… um… Eheolthjase, or something."

"A Destroyer of Worlds?" repeated Rythian.

"Yes, and its fire is destroying the castle as we speak, so perhaps we should get to safety?" suggested Zoeya.

"I need to see this for myself. Excuse me," said Rythian, removing the bookcase and opening the doors.

"NO!" cried Zoeya, but it was too late. The fire poured into the room, a maelstrom of bright blue conflagration, burning skin and clothes, devouring the carpet, and overwhelming the magical barriers meant to prevent such things from approaching. The doors were flung back against the walls, almost tearing Rythian's arm off with their speed. A couple of arrows flew into the bright blue blaze, fired by Teep, but they simply burnt up.

"Aaaargh! Rythian!" shouted Zoeya, over the noise of the blaze.

"Shut the doors! Shut the doors!" shouted Rythian. He grasped a door and pushed it back against the fire. Zoeya shoved the other into his grasp, and he held them shut.

"Fall back to the magic room! Quick!" ordered Rythian.

"But what about you?" asked Zoeya.

"Go!"

Zoeya stared at him, and at the buckling doors, and into the raging maelstrom behind them. He was unarmed, and the fire would tear through him like an angry cat through a paper curtain.

"I'm not leaving you, Rythian. Not for love nor money," said Zoeya defiantly.

"I'll be fine, Zoeya. Get to safety."

Zoeya stared into his fiery amethyst eyes, seeing the courage shining within. He was certain he could hold off the inferno, but could he really? All she could do was hope, and do the best she could at her own task

"Y-you're the bravest man I ever met," Zoeya said, blinking back tears.

"For pity's sake, just go!" replied Rythian, rolling his eyes in exasperation.

* * *

Zoeya and Teep ran out through the other doors, along straight, torch-lit corridors and through various rooms, until they came at last to the magic room. It was quite a sight. Plinths of beautiful, square-cut blue rock supported powerful arcane devices, and stalactites of rich reddish-pink stuff reached down the walls. Zoeya spent a few moments rummaging in a black metal chest, eventually pulling out two Interdiction Torches, small yellow rods tipped with some bits of pulsating green energy. She placed them in front of the doors to the room, one on each side. They would stop the fire from coming near, as well as any other inimical forces. Zoeya turned around to see that Teep had taken out a suit of fancy red armour, a pickaxe with a bright blue handle and a black head made from dark matter, and a cream-coloured ring inset with a magenta orb. He had laid them out for maximum accessibility, and also got himself a short sword with a shiny green blade, made from solid emerald.

"Thanks, Teep," replied Zoeya. Teep grinned at her, which, what with all his teeth, was actually quite an unnerving sight. Zoeya put on the suit of armour (which was indestructible, being made from red matter, which was an even better form of dark matter), slipped the ring (which gave her the power of flight) over her finger and hung the pickaxe (which could break through any stone in just a few milliseconds) from her belt, before taking a laser gun from the chest and holstering it next to her pickaxe. Rythian wouldn't like her using it, but needs must…

* * *

While this was going on, Rythian was most definitely not having a good time. Being an all-powerful alchemist and mage, he had faced a great deal of enemies in his time, but never one like the fire. He was by no means helpless, though. Focusing his power through his black, rune-covered Ring of Arcana, he doused the blue fires in water, froze the very air around them, blasted them with gale-force winds and even drew all of the oxygen in the air away from them, but it had barely any effect. The water could slow them down a bit, but the fires just kept on coming. By no means defeated, Rythian tried using his Red Morning Star, a magical multi-purpose tool made from red matter. He smashed apart the ground beneath the fires, creating an enormous hole in the floor, which kind of worked. The blue fire could not move over empty spaces, but, horror of horrors, it was crawling along the walls and ceiling!

Fortunately, Rythian had one more trick up his sleeve. Reaching into a small cloth pouch hanging from his shoulder, he pulled out a small, glowing grain of red matter, which he then Transmuted into a wall of solid titanium, nearly a metre thick, completely blocking the corridor. Breathing a sigh of relief, the mighty sorcerer took a moment to lean against a wall and admire his handiwork. Nothing could get past that. …Could it?

With a spring in his step, Rythian strode along the corridor to the magic room. Zoeya immediately ran over and hugged him.

"I thought I was going to lose you, Rythian. You didn't have any armour on, and that fire was horrible!" she said.

"I know, but I've dealt with it. The fire won't get at us any time soon, that's for sure," Rythian reassured her, returning the hug.

"That's wonderful news!" rejoiced Zoeya. "But what are we going to do? Half the castle's still full of fire, and B.A.R.R.Y, and the mines are probably infested by now…"

"We move out," replied Rythian. "We've lived here for a long time, but what with the blue fire, Blackrock Stronghold cannot continue to be our home. Our best bet is to move out, and make sure the fire stays in."

"Stays in? You mean we'll use the stronghold as a prison?" asked Zoeya.

"Yes, while we look for a way to get rid of the fire and the evil creature," confirmed Rythian.

"Okay, but… Aren't there still a few holes in the north tower from when the Ender Dragon attacked us?" Zoeya pointed out.

Rythian gaped at her, realising the truth in her words. "Quick!" he cried. "We haven't a moment to lose." His actions true to his words, he took a suit or armour like Zoeya's from the black chest, put it on, and took out a large pile of black stone bricks, which somehow managed to fit in the palm of his hand.

At full tilt, Rythian ran through the corridors, almost kicking up sparks from the marble floor. He wrenched open the strong metal doors at the entrance to the stronghold, even though they were only meant to open when one pressed a button on the wall, and sprinted around past the farm and the golem enclosures to the north tower.

As Zoeya had said, the north tower was in ruins. It leaned at a sharp angle, the stone bricks barely more than a ragged framework around many enormous holes created a few weeks ago by a ferocious dragon, the Queen of the End. Eerie blue light emanated from within, but thankfully, no fire had yet managed to get out. Wasting no time, Rythian threw some bricks at each hole, where they arranged themselves into new pieces of wall. Breathing a sigh of relief, he turned around to see Teep and Zoeya a long way behind, pointing upwards and making wild gestures. Bemused, Rythian looked up to see the very last thing he wanted to see.

"Oh, no…" he groaned. Blue fire raged over the top of Blackrock Stronghold. Already its mighty black stone buttresses were glowing red hot, the iron railings along the walkways were melting, and the family of swallows nesting on the roof were long gone. There was little smoke, but that was hardly a comfort to Rythian, or to his apprentice, or to their reptilian companion.

"Now what?" asked Zoeya. "We can't stop it now."

Rythian thought for a moment. "Now, we gather all our possessions and find somewhere to recuperate. If possible, I'll get all our valuables. Zoeya, you gather up the golems, take the arrows from the watchtower, and gather all the food from the farm. Teep, come with me and get some books from the reading room. Anything about monsters, magical phenomena, forces of evil… stuff like that. Oh, and the blackboard. We're going to need it. We'll rendezvous by the pool. Move out!"

* * *

Dodging nimbly around fragments of the walkway that once connected it to the stronghold, Zoeya rushed over to the watchtower, a tall tower with an effigy of Teep's head at the top doubling as the watching room. Zoeya took a quick look at the wooden ladder leading up to the top, and immediately decided not to bother with it. Instead, she held aloft and Empowered her cream-coloured ring, which glowed, and then pulled her upwards.

Once Zoeya had arrived, and her head had stopped spinning from the impact with the ceiling, she immediately set about her task. She soon found a simple wooden box, from which she took a vast amount of arrows. Wasting no time, Zoeya deposited the arrows in her personal bit of the Ethereal Storage Realm, an infinite plane of reality which every living thing could access.

Her first task was complete, but Zoeya had little time to relax. Empowering her ring once more, Zoeya leapt from the front window of the watchtower (the giant Teep-head's mouth) and floated quickly but painlessly to the ground. With a nimble landing she dashed off to the plantation, skirting around the four enormous letter statues that spelled out "farm", and got to work. The farm consisted of wheat growing in circles around small irrigation pools, sugar cane growing in a chessboard pattern with more irrigation pools, and some cacti growing in a sandy area. Zoeya gathered them all up with the tender loving care she reserved for anything nature related, storing them with the arrows in the Ethereal Storage Realm.

"Goodbye, farm," said Zoeya dolefully. She had spent a lot of the happiest moments of her life here, working the land. Nature got on well with Zoeya, and she generally returned the favour.

* * *

The blue fire was spreading fast. It ate away at Blackrock Stronghold's internal walls, slowly but inexorably eating through the black stone. It made the corridors uncomfortably hot, but that could not stop Rythian from shivering as he entered the magic room. The walls were gone in places, and fire spilled in over the various magical devices, but an oasis of safety surrounded the two Interdiction Torches placed by Zoeya. Rythian gathered up his Transmutation Tablet, Energy Condenser and Red Matter Furnace, all of which have many uses which shall remain a mystery for now, and stored them safely in the black metal chest. Rythian picked up one of the Interdiction Torches and, holding it between his teeth, he carried the chest away to safety.

That was the plan, but sadly, it did not work out. With one Interdiction Torch gone, the other one was not able to hold the door. The power of the blue fire quickly overwhelmed it, and it exploded spectacularly, taking the doors and a fair bit of wall with it.

"Oh, bloody hell!" screamed Rythian, as the inferno rushed into the room. He ran for it, staggering under the weight of the chest, barely keeping ahead of the onrushing fire. And then, suddenly, he screeched to a halt, despairing at the sight before him. The fortress's interior walls had given way, and the fire streamed into his path, fighting against the front doors while more of it advanced towards him.

An icicle of fear stabbed at Rythian's heart. He was trapped. There was no way out of here. The hallway he was in only went towards or away from the front door. There was fire in front of him and more fire behind him. He was now thoroughly doomed. Unless… Working fast, Rythian rummaged in the black chest, eventually bringing out a small silvery amulet inset with an azure blue pearl. An Evertide Amulet. He held it out towards the fire at the front doors and, taking a deep breath, Empowered it.

A torrent of water rushed from the amulet, pushing aside the evil fires and sending up a great cloud of steam. Seizing his chance, Rythian ran to the doors, opened them, stepped outside, closed them, and made for the rendezvous at the pool.

Then he stopped, realising with a sudden sense of dread that Teep was still in the stronghold…

* * *

"Teep! Teep, are you all right?" called Rythian, standing as close as he dared to the fire, which broiled and struggled against a pair of Interdiction Torches he had placed either side of the front door.

There was no reply. Then again, there never was, so Rythian did not assume the worst. Teep was a hardy fellow. He would be coming out of the door in just a few seconds, arms laden with books. Of course he would. No doubt about it. He was in no danger. Nothing bad could possibly happen. It was established fact that Teep would, indeed, come out completely unharmed. In his heart, Rythian knew for a fact that Teep definitely wasn't going to die a long, slow, painful death, being slowly torn to burning shreds, trying desperately to force some words out of his inoperative mouth, silently screaming for Rythian or Zoeya to save him from a horrible fate, and finally cursing them when no help came…

"Hold on, Teep! I'm coming!" cried Rythian. Squaring his shoulders, he charged into the flames, slipping on the melting floor as he made his way to the library, where Teep would be. His armour kept the worst of the fire off him, but it was still very hot.

To his dismay, the library was empty when he arrived. Where once there had been vast shelves of books of every kind, now there was only some ash, and a forlorn-looking fireproof black table designed for Enchanting weapons. Teep was long gone.

His eyes misting, Rythian was about to leave when he noticed something. Above him was no roof. The library was open to the sky, so maybe Teep had escaped upwards. Hope dawned once again in the despairing night of Rythian's heart. Empowering his Ring of Arcana, Rythian gracefully ascended to the top of Blackrock Stronghold to see Teep standing there, grinning from ear to ear, holding the blackboard like a tray upon which were various mismatched piles of books. Rythian had no idea how he managed it, and frankly, nor did Teep.

"Oh, Teep, I'm so glad to see you! I thought you'd burned to death!" rejoiced Rythian.

Teep dropped the blackboard-tray of books and embraced Rythian, who then busied himself flying Teep down the ground a safe distance away, followed by the blackboard and books. They stored the books in the black metal chest, lying unharmed where Rythian had left it, and together they carried the chest over to the pool, where Zoeya waited with two tall, broad-shouldered golems of solid iron, and a smaller golem made of snow with a carved pumpkin for a head. His name was Norbert, son of the valiant Gilbert, who had died while rescuing Zoeya from the evil mushroom leader Jeff a few weeks ago.

* * *

After a short rest and wash, Rythian, Zoeya, Teep, Norbert and the golems convened on short grassy the cliff beside the small, marble-lined pool of cool, crystal-clear water next to Blackrock Stronghold. Zoeya leaned against the purple plastic slide leading into the pool, occasionally brushed by Teep's tail, while Rythian outlined his plan of action.

"My plan is as follows," Rythian said, enunciating loudly carefully so nobody missed anything. "First, we must find a way of preventing the blue fire from spreading, as well as keeping the demon creating it from leaving. The safety of our neighbours must be taken into consideration, so afterwards, we'll warn them. Once that is taken care of, we need to find a way to get rid of the fire and defeat the demon. These books should give us plenty of information; if not, we'll think of something. If… _when _we succeed, we'll rebuild the stronghold (again) and get back to normal," declared Rythian. "Any questions?"

Zoeya raised her hand. "It's all a bit thick, isn't it?" she said. "I mean, we hadn't even finished rebuilding after that dragon incident, and-"

"That's not a question," interrupted Rythian. "But yes, it is a bit thick."

They were interrupted then by a loud crash from Blackrock Stronghold, which had collapsed in on itself. The six looked on, appalled at the desecration of their home.

Eventually, Zoeya raised her other hand. "This is a question, I think: Why don't we ask for some help? I mean, if this fire got too big, it could burn up the whole world, and there are lots of people who won't want that to happen."

"Ask for help? That's fine in principle, Zoeya, but the only people in a position to help are scientists," Rythian pointed out.

Teep picked up the blackboard and began to write on it with a piece of chalk that just happened to be lying around. "Not all of them. Some are engineers. Mustn't let prejudices blind you. Desperate times," he wrote.

"Forget it. We are _not _going to use science," said Rythian stubbornly. "Besides, I have a better idea…"

* * *

"Coal dust?"

"Check."

"Pieces of gold?"

"Check."

"Dark matter pedestal?"

"Check."

"Clock?"

"Check."

"Indestructible blast screen?"

"Check.

"Valuables safe behind blast screen?"

"Check and mate," finished Zoeya, gazing proudly at the blast screen she had created from solid red matter at the end of the red pathway leading from what remained of Blackrock Stronghold's front door to the murky swampland beyond, and the collection of magical reagents taken mainly from the black metal chest. (In case you hadn't already guessed, it was bigger on the inside.)

"Excellent! That should be everything. Now, we have little time remaining, so it is imperative that you do exactly as I say, even if it's messy and humiliating or seems counter-intuitive," said Rythian gravely, glancing at the blue fire boiling out from the pile of rubble that had once been Blackrock Stronghold. It crept across the grass, turning it to ash as it passed, and already the pool was evaporating.

Zoeya raised a hand. "Messy and humiliating? Is this just another plot to get me undressed and covered in chocolate mousse?" she asked dubiously.

"Do you really sink I'd think… Sorry, do you really think I'd sink to such depths?" asked Rythian in reply.

"No, just checking," said Zoeya breezily. "Besides, you only need to ask nicely."

* * *

Under Rythian's watchful eyes, Zoeya, Teep and the two iron golems sprinkled the coal dust in a circle around the advancing fire while Norbert carefully placed seven gold ingots equidistant around the circle.

When that task was complete, Rythian aligned the dark matter pedestal in between the coal dust circle and the blast screen. He laid the clock flat on top of it, unsheathed his Red Katar (a knife, sword and pair of scissors all rolled into one, as well as made from red matter), and set to work.

First, Rythian pulled the minute hand from the face of the clock. It was a simple flat bit of metal, matching the simple, black-and-white style of the clock, so it was no great shame for Rythian to bend it in half and throw it within the coal dust circle, which began to give off a faint greenish-purple glow. Not stopping to admire it, Rythian sliced the hour hand in half and tossed each half after the bent minute hand. The coal dust's glow grew brighter.

"Make sure you're behind the blast screen, everyone. This is going to be intense!" called Rythian, before beginning the final part of the great enchantment. Rythian stabbed his katar right through the middle of the now handless clock, and poured vast amounts of magical energy into it until it gave off purple sparks. Bracing himself for what was to come, he threw the stricken clock into the magic circle. Then he ran for it, leaping behind the red matter blast screen and sitting heavily on the magical storage chest between Teep and Norbert.

The glow grew brighter still, and kept on increasing in intensity. Within seconds it was dazzlingly bright, but Rythian, Zoeya, Teep and the three golems saw none of it, huddled behind the reassuringly solid wall of solid red. The glow grew brighter still, until dazzlingly white energy leapt from the coal dust, slamming against the indestructible red matter of the blast screen, decimating the plantations, and mauling several innocent animals that had come to watch. Smoke drifted around the blast screen, carrying with it the heady scent of powerful magic, which caused Zoeya to sneeze violently.

* * *

"Bless you," muttered Rythian, as he, Zoeya, Teep and the golems stepped out from behind the blast screen. They gaped at the sight before them. Around Blackrock Stronghold, a wide ring of bare earth was all that remained of the surroundings, apart from some grass behind the blast screen, a raised area behind the pool cliff, a muddy bit where the farm had been, some scorched skeletons left behind by some unlucky animals, and a few rocky crags left behind by the more resilient mountains.

"Oh, my days!" breathed Zoeya. "It's… it's…"

"A sight for sore eyes?" suggested Rythian.

"Terrible! Why would you destroy everything like this?" asked Zoeya, in a small voice.

"It's an unfortunate side effect of the time-stop spell. The fire would've destroyed much more if we hadn't done this," Rythian reassured her. For the first time, he looked directly at the stronghold. By now, it was little more than a pile of rubble, finally overcome by the fire inside, which was now still. Everything inside the coal dust circle was completely still. No air moved, no insects flitted, no magical fire blazed. Time had stopped.

Rythian, Teep, Zoeya, Norbert and the two iron golems stared, both proud of the great enchantment they had wrought and horrified at the destruction caused as a side effect. Teep was the first to (metaphorically speaking) break the silence.

"Now what?" he wrote, moving the blackboard around so all could see it.

"Now, we begin phase two of my plan," said Rythian, in a deep, commanding, majestic voice, accompanied by some stirring background music. "Come, friends: the spell will last only a limited time, and we have many leagues ahead of us. Our journey will pass through a great many dangers, for we travel into the darkest of lands, and face the most ferocious of enemies!" Zoeya looked at Teep, who shrugged at her. "Though fiery trials may threaten," continued Rythian, "know this: with justice in our hearts, we shall always prevail. Yea, though we walk into the valley of the shadow of death, we shall fear no evil, for His rod and His-"

The epic music ground to a shuddering halt as Teep gently prodded Rythian with his tail, holding up a blackboard message. It said, "Where are we going?"

Rythian blinked. "I don't know."

"What's a league, and why are so many of them ahead of us?" enquired Zoeya.

"Um…" replied Rythian.

"WHAT IS THE VALLEY OF DEATH?" asked one of the golems, in a deep, slow, booming voice like the rumble of plate tectonics.

Rythian gave a deep sigh. This was a good start…


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Over the Marshes**

A cool breeze fluttered Rythian's dashing cape as he led the way across the marshlands. Through cloying mire and tall marsh reeds, past willow trees and murky pools, the party of four walked at a steady pace, occasionally delayed to circumvent some particularly troublesome mud. (The iron golems were not with them, having instead been sent to warn everybody near Blackrock Stronghold about Ĕħîøłþĵæç and the blue fire.) The calls of herons and crickets filled their ears, as well as the splashing of the storage chest. Rythian had temporarily Animated it, and now it bounced along behind the group, occasionally colliding with a tree. It had the ability to find its way around obstacles, but it did not use that ability unless it had first bashed into the obstacle several times.

"You never did answer Teep's question, Rythian," Zoeya pointed out, stepping carefully over some quicksand. "Where are we going?"

"To the snowy pine forest on the other side of the marshes, where our destiny awaits," said Rythian mysteriously.

"Oh. What sort of destiny?" asked Zoeya, turning back to help Norbert over a small gully.

"Oh… you know… destiny," replied Rythian.

"What, exactly, is our destiny?" Zoeya pressed.

"To cross the marshes without you asking questions all the time!" snapped Rythian.

"You don't know, do you?" said Zoeya perspicaciously.

Rythian blushed, then rallied just as quickly. "Well, why should I? I'm not a fortune teller!"

"That's all right, but why are we going to the pine forest?" asked Zoeya, kneeling down to see whether the water in front of them was deep enough to pose a threat.

Rythian maintained a rugged silence.

* * *

The day wore on, and then became evening, which all to quickly became night. Tired, hungry and muddy of foot, Rythian, Zoeya, Teep and Norbert set up camp in a relatively dry bit in the middle of the marshes. Rythian erected some tents (one for him and Zoeya, and another for Teep and Norbert), Zoeya made a campfire (fire was her speciality, alongside mushrooms), Teep nimbly shot a few marsh-pigs to eat (two for him, one for the others to share), Norbert established a perimeter (which was not easy, seeing as there was only one of him), and the storage chest settled itself down among some fallen leaves, but not before Zoeya had found a bottle of lemonade inside.

Zoeya's fire made quick work of cooking the marsh-pigs, and Teep's claws made quick work of skinning them. A passing pack of wolves generously helped them deal with the offal, and soon the four were chatting merrily around the campfire, full of pork and lemonade.

"You never said why we were going to the pine forest, Rythian," Zoeya pointed out.

"Didn't I? Well, the snow could slow the blue fire down if it comes, and we'll need to spend a fair bit of time researching our books," explained Rythian, taking a bite of his no-frills pork chop.

"We could research here," suggested Zoeya.

"The forest will be safer. Trust me," replied Rythian.

"Okay," said Zoeya. She trusted Rythian completely. He had never let her down before, and she doubted he would ever start. "But, um, if you're wrong…"

"We'll move to the next continent," Rythian reassured her. "Not even that fire could get past the sea!"

"I was thinking more along the lines of roasting marshmallows on the blue fire, but your idea's better," said Zoeya.

"Marshmallows?!" cried Rythian, dropping his pork in shock.

"Maybe toast…" pondered Zoeya, kindly dusting off Rythian's pork and handing it back to him.

"Or we could fry some eggs," suggested Norbert, in a whispery, icy voice.

"What about a chocolate fondue?" proposed Zoeya.

"Seriously?" said Rythian weakly.

"Of course not!" giggled Zoeya. "I was just being funny. You know, laughing 'cause otherwise we'd cry?"

"Oh," said Rythian.

Teep, realizing the merits of that idea, promptly held up a blackboard message. It said, "I say I say I say, my dog has no nose."

"That doesn't mean you can start," Rythian informed him grumpily.

"How does it smell?" asked Zoeya gamely.

"Terrible," wrote Teep. "Ha ha ha ha ha."

He collapsed in a fit of silent but vigorous laughter, thumping the ground and shedding tears of amusement. Rythian gave Zoeya a bemused look, and she looked at Norbert, who gave a shrug of confusion. There was an awkward silence.

Norbert was the first to break it. "Well," he declared, "I'm off to bed."

"It's probably about time. Come on, Zoeya," said Rythian, making for his and Zoeya's tent.

"'Night, all," called Zoeya, setting off after him, followed silently by Teep.

* * *

"Rythian?"

"What?"

"I can't sleep."

Rythian groaned, prising apart his heavy eyelids to look at Zoeya. She was tired and rather scruffy, but to him she looked rather like a dangerously beautiful warrior-princess from a fantasy story. A warrior-princess, that is, who was waking him up so late it was almost next morning.

"Then count sheep or something," yawned Rythian, settling himself back down. He had almost drifted off again, when:

"I've lost count of the sheep, and it's not working," complained Zoeya.

"Count goats, then," grunted Rythian.

"Can you tell me a story?" asked Zoeya.

"What?"

"Please?"

"No," replied Rythian.

"Shall I tell you one, then?" offered Zoeya, sitting up in excitement.

With a deep, heartfelt sigh, Rythian pulled the blanket over his head.

"Once upon a time," began Zoeya, "there was a kind, brave, strong, clever, pretty, and above all very modest woman called Mary. She was about as tall as me, with brown hair and magical blue armour, as well as a katana made of condensed starlight. She was a world-famous dragon slayer, and-"

"FOR PITY'S SAKE, ZOEYA, IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! SHUT THE HELL UP AND GO TO SLEEP!" roared Rythian.

Zoeya gaped at him, scarcely believing what her ears told her.

"Sorry, that didn't come out right. I meant to say, um, that's a very interesting story, but couldn't it wait until tomorrow?" Rythian reassured her.

"I suppose it could," sniffed Zoeya, "if the Nether freezes over."

With that, she rolled sulkily over and cried herself to sleep.

Unlike some, Zoeya was a resilient person, not permanently affected by all but the most violent of outbursts. By the next morning, she had completely forgotten the previous night, and she was her usual cheery self. Rythian, however, was tired and bedraggled, and his clothes were soaked with Zoeya's tears. When she was upset, it was like being in bed with a clumsy water-carrier. He squelched as he walked (which was not unusual in the marshes, of course, but he would still have squelched while on a desiccated concrete desert), and water dripped slowly onto the ground around him, pooling at his feet.

Because of this, he had to take a back seat as Teep, Zoeya and Norbert packed all their possessions back into the Animated chest, and he maintained his backular seatage while Zoeya carefully divided a breakfast pie (bacon, eggs, sausages and tomatoes in a pie) into four equal pieces. He took a front seat eating his piece, of course, but other than that, his wetness proved to be a major impediment to all tasks.

The trek across the marshes did not help one bit. Slow drizzle fell from a dark grey sky, soaking all to the skin, and saturating the already dangerously damp ground. It was too much for the storage chest, so Teep carried it, which made him too heavy, so he sank up to his neck in the thick, oozing mire. It took half an hour to dig him out, during which Rythian, Zoeya, Teep and Norbert became covered in mud. Norbert didn't really mind, and nor did Zoeya, but Rythian did.

Teep decided that Rythian needed cheering up, so based on yesterday's partial success, he provided his friend with a blackboard message. It said, "What do you get when you cross a pig with a zebra?"

"You tell me," said Rythian gruffly.

"A zebra that likes mud and truffles," wrote Teep. "Ha ha ha ha ha." And he doubled over, convulsing with silent guffaws. Zoeya and Norbert added their own laughter to a symphony of mirth, but Rythian was less amused than Queen Victoria.

For many long hours after this, the four trekked on in silence, broken only once by Norbert pointing out a patch of mushrooms, which Zoeya promptly went and collected. The hour grew late and the shadows lengthened, but at about six of the clock, Rythian noticed something.

"Um, guys," he said, looking down, "is it just me, or is the ground getting firmer?"

"You know, I think it is," agreed Zoeya, looking down to see that there was nothing bubbling and slurping around her feet, which were considerably less submerged than before.

"We must be nearing the forest," Norbert reasoned.

"We are!" agreed Rythian excitedly, pointing to a group of pine trees just visible on the horizon.

"The worst is over," said Zoeya. "It's all downhill from here."

"Um, where's the storage chest?" asked Norbert.

"I don't know," replied Rythian. "Zoeya?"

"I thought Teep had it," she said in confusion.

"Well?" demanded Rythian, turning to Teep, who was looking very sheepish.

"While I was stuck in the mud, it may have sunk to its doom," wrote Teep nervously. Rythian glowered at him, reaching for his Red Katar with malevolent intentions.

"Don't!" cried Zoeya, stepping in front of Teep. "It's not all bad news, anyway. I've got this watermelon," she explained, taking a melon from the Ethereal Storage Realm and plonking it down in front of Rythian, who promptly gave it a sound kicking.

"Aaaargh!" shouted Rythian, falling down in front of the shattered watermelon and clutching his foot.

"Oh, my days! Are you all right?" cried Zoeya, kneeling in front of her injured friend.

"No!" replied Rythian. "I am not all right! It broke my toe!"

"You stupid melon! How could you?!" cried Zoeya, and she jumped on the watermelon several times, which resulted in some vaguely watermelon-coloured mush coating her shoes and slowly mixing with the mud beneath. In later years a grove of watermelon plants would grow amid her ancient footprints, but that's another story.

"Don't bother, Zoeya. It wasn't the melon's fault. As for you, Teep…" growled Rythian, with a dangerous look in his eyes.

"I'll carry you. It's the least I can do," offered Teep, by way of a blackboard message.

"I was thinking more along the lines of you going back and finding the storage chest, actually," said Rythian. Teep shook his head emphatically.

"Couldn't we Trace it? It's enchanted, so…" suggested Zoeya.

"Trace it?! Brilliant idea! Wonderful! Why didn't I think of it?!" cried Rythian, leaping to his feet.

"Owww…" whimpered Rythian, sitting back down and staring ruefully at his toe.

"I'll do it," offered Zoeya.

"Don't be ridiculous," replied Rythian. "Tracing is highly advanced magic. You couldn't do it."

"It was one of the first things you taught me," Zoeya pointed out.

A blush warmed Rythian's cheeks. "Oh. Was it? Ah. Um… Go ahead."

Zoeya turned to face the marshland, taking in a deep breath. She called upon the Power within her heart, sending just a small bit out, calling to the storage chest at the same time. The reply was faint, but Zoeya felt it, reached out to it, and drew it to her. She and the chest felt each other across the sweeping miles, knew where they were, and could seek each other out. Glowing with pride, Zoeya turned to face her companions.

"It's just over there, behind that ruined house," declared Zoeya, pointing to a vaguely house-shaped pile of cracked and mossy bricks inlaid with rotting timbers. She wandered over to the house, returning a few seconds later with the chest in her wake. It was covered in mud, but it bounced along as before, coming to rest beside Rythian.

"Do you mean to tell me it was there all along, right under our noses?!" cried Rythian.

"Yep," replied Zoeya.

"Teep," said Rythian slowly, "you said it sunk to its doom. How do you explain this?"

"I said it might have. I wasn't sure," replied Teep, holding his blackboard up to catch the light. Speaking of light…

"It's getting late," Norbert pointed out.

"I dare say it is," agreed Zoeya, looking worriedly at the Sun, which was rapidly sinking below the horizon. "We should make camp here," she suggested.

"And do something about Rythian's toe," proposed Norbert.

"Hear, hear!" agreed Rythian.

"The pine forest it just over there," wrote Teep, pointing.

"True, but I can't walk," Rythian pointed out.

* * *

While Teep made a campfire, Zoeya got herself tangled up setting up the tents and Rythian did what he could while sitting down, Norbert was left to roam in solitude. He was at his best in such situations. Socialising was not really his strong point, and the others' constant witty banter left him precious few opportunities to join in. Alone, however, he was comfortable, satisfied to be with just himself. He had spent a lot of time like that in the past. As a golem, it was his duty to protect Rythian, Zoeya and Teep, so he spent his nights patrolling alone around Blackrock Stronghold, or, in this case, the camp. While the others went about their business, it was his solemn duty to-

"Norbert, do you want to join us?" called Zoeya. "We're having ice cream. I Transmuted it from some mud."

"It's delicious!" Rythian piped up. "A bit earthy, though…"

Norbert sighed. Typical. Just when he was getting into the swing of a deep, stirring, dramatic monologue, they had to go and spoil it… Oh, well. Time and ice cream wait for no snow golem.

"Coming!" replied Norbert, setting off back to the camp.

Then bony hands seized him, a bludgeon thudded against his pumpkin-head, and the world turned upside-down…

"Where's Norbert got to?" asked Rythian a short while later.

"Search me," Teep wrote absentmindedly, warming his tail against the campfire.

"He'f probably juft haffing a look around," said Zoeya, through a mouthful of ice cream.

Satisfied, the three set about polishing off their icy supper, when a booming voice shouted out of the darkness.

"Hands up! Any sudden moves and your golem gets it!"

Startled, Zoeya and Teep leapt to their feet to see a group of unusually lively skeletons dressed in ragged leather armour and holding a wide assortment of improvised weapons. The one who had spoken wore a black iron crown and wielded a long, wickedly sharp cutlass. This cutlass was pressed against the neck of Norbert, who was struggling fruitlessly in the bony arms of two more skeletons.

Quick as a flash, Teep unsheathed his emerald sword and Zoeya took in hand her black pickaxe and her laser gun, while Rythian tried to get to them without using his broken toe.

"I'm warning you! If anyone so much as blinks in an aggressive sort of way, your golem'll wish he was never born!" threatened the lead skeleton, pressing his scimitar into Norbert's snowy flesh.

Zoeya threw a sizzling fireball at the lead skeleton, knocking the scimitar out of his hand. Norbert fell gladly to the ground beside it, and Zoeya and Teep charged into the fray. Bone meal scattered all over the ground as they hacked and slashed at the skeletons, and soon, they were all twice dead.

* * *

"So, what were you saying?" asked Zoeya, looming over the disembodied skull of the lead skeleton.

"I hate Mondays…" sighed the skull.

"But it's Thursday," Zoeya pointed out.

"Whatever," replied the skull.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note**

Before we begin this chapter, there are a few things I need to make clear. In this chapter, Rythian and Zoeya use various magical abilities not available to Tekkit players. This is because The Sword of the Mushroom King is not a fanfiction of Blackrock Chronicle the Tekkit let's play. It is a fanfiction of the story known as Blackrock Chronicle, which is portrayed in the guise of a simple let's play series.

CaptainSparklez and TryHardNinja own all the rights to TNT, a song used in this chapter, but I'm sure they won't mind.

JRR Tolkein owns Tom Bombadil and Goldberry, to whom I make a fairly blatant reference as well. Fair use definitely covers me here, but let's hope he never finds out.

Now, on with the story!

**Chapter 4: The Druid of Silverleaf Hill**

The morning after the fight dawned bright and cheery. The Sun shone over the marshlands, warming the water and mud and chasing the gloom of night deep into the shadowiest corners. Birds sang, bees buzzed, and the Animated storage chest awoke to find itself surrounded on all sides by tall sugar cane. Panicked, it sought out its master, coming eventually through sloping canvas to alight upon his chest.

"Aaaargh!" screamed Rythian, waking with a start to find the tent collapsed around him and a heavy weight resting on his torso.

"Zoeya! Wake up!" Rythian cried, shoving the unseen weight off him and batting tent-canvas away. Zoeya awoke, saw what he was doing and, with admirable presence of mind, blasted the tent off them with magical wind. It flew off into the blue yonder, depositing the chest safely, but the tent was never seen again.

"What is it?! What's going on?!" demanded Norbert, skidding to a halt beside them.

"I have no idea," replied Rythian.

"Holy mackerel!" he added, noticing the cluster of sugar cane a few metres away for the first time.

"They weren't here before, were they?" asked Zoeya.

"No," replied Rythian. He stepped cautiously over to them (he had magically healed his toe the night before), treading carefully around discarded armour and bones, and was surprised to find a curious white powder in and around the reeds.

"What's this?" he muttered, picking a little up on the tip of his finger.

"Probably bone meal. Some of the skeletons last night got a bit smashed…" suggested Zoeya.

"Oh, right," said Rythian. "What's for breakfast?" he added.

Zoeya looked at length in the storage chest, which was lying forlornly in a patch of briars under the tree where it landed.

"Bread," she replied, taking four small loaves out.

"What, just bread?" asked Norbert.

"'Fraid so," replied Zoeya. "Oh, wait, I tell a lie. There's some olive oil in here," she added, taking a half-full bottle of shiny, golden oil from the chest.

"Great!" said Rythian, with false enthusiasm. "Bread and oil! I can't wait."

"It's quite nice, actually," Zoeya reassured him, taking a bite out of her loaf. "Oh, no, wait, it's stale. Ugh!" She spat it out.

"Maybe with oil…" she muttered, pouring a little olive oil onto her loaf. She took a bite. She chewed. She spat it out again.

"How bad is it?" asked Norbert.

"It's an acquired taste…" grimaced Zoeya.

"Fear not. I have cheese," wrote Teep, fetching a block of creamy yellow Cheddar from the Ethereal Storage Realm, which he then carefully sliced with his claws into four equal pieces.

"Thank you!" rejoiced Zoeya, accepting her piece.

"What she said," agreed Rythian, taking his piece.

"Likewise," said Norbert, devouring his piece in a single bite and sending the bread in after it, followed by a swig of olive oil.

* * *

And so it came to pass that Zoeya, Teep and Rythian ate their bread and cheese in contemplative silence, broken only by Norbert violently throwing up, and sallied forth once more to the pine forest. As they progressed, the ground became firmer until the mud was far behind, only to be replaced by an intermittent blanket of snow.

"This snow," said Rythian, who had a bit of a thing for ancient lore, "once stretched far beyond the pine forest. It covered the marshes, the mountains, and even the sea (which was frozen). However, global warming melted it some 72 years ago, leaving behind lots of water. This did the marshes no favours, but it may have helped make the desert nearby fertile enough for plants to grow."

"Um, there is no desert nearby," Zoeya pointed out.

"Exactly!" said Rythian triumphantly.

"I'm hungry," moaned Norbert.

"Well, you shouldn't have thrown up," said Rythian unsympathetically.

"If I don't eat something soon, I'll start dissolving myself from within," said Norbert.

"Tough," grunted Rythian.

"Oh, come on! He's been our loving companion for…" Zoeya counted on her fingers for a few seconds. "…Six days!"

"I'd feed him if I could, but we don't have anything to feed him with," Rythian explained.

"Oh," conceded Zoeya.

"No food?" wrote Teep worriedly.

"Not a sausage," replied Rythian.

"Not a bread roll, not a baked bean, not an egg, not a pie, not a packet of noodles," confirmed Zoeya, "not a chicken leg, not a sachet of instant soup, not a breadstick, not a biscuit, not a ham, not a beetroot, not an apple, not a beef burger, not a bottle of milk, not a… I'll shut up now, shall I?"

"That would be wise," agreed Rythian,

"We could Transmute some food, couldn't we?" suggested Norbert.

"From what?" asked Rythian.

"From some of that red matter you keep in your infinite pouch," suggested Zoeya.

"Oh," said Rythian. "I didn't think of that."

Rythian removed a small, glowing grain of red matter from his pouch, filled his mind with images of food, told the Laws of Physics to bugger off and bother someone else, and set to work.

* * *

Filled to the brim with steak and kidney pie (well, what would you have?), the four intrepid companions arrived at the pine forest late in the afternoon. The ground was smothered in snow seven centimetres deep, and tall pine and fir trees were everywhere, reaching high into the sky with tough, needled branches and dropping cones of seeds onto the snow beneath. Foxes, wolves and maybe even polar bears prowled the forest, and danger lurked behind every snowdrift, but there was a vast network of safe paths throughout the forest, cunningly hidden beneath the snow but visible to the trained eye.

"Now, don't worry," said Rythian, his totally untrained eyes surveying the trio of snarling snow leopards advancing over the frozen lake. "I have the situation entirely under control."

"No, you don't!" cried Zoeya exasperatedly. "We've been lost for the last hour, but you're too proud to admit it."

"I am not!" protested Rythian. "Watch this!"

With a thrust of his palm, he sent a searing sphere of orange and green fire hurtling towards the leopards, only two of which managed to escape in time. Ignoring the charred corpse lying on the ice, Rythian sent a bolt of lightning after the larger of the two survivors, melting the snow around it and roasting it like a herring. The third got away, but Rythian cared not. It had learnt its lesson.

"Awesome!" breathed Zoeya, completely forgetting her previous admonishment.

"Efficacious," agreed Norbert.

"Totally pointless," declared a booming voice from behind, and a heavy club collided with Rythian's head.

With a gasp, Zoeya wheeled around, unholstering her laser gun as she turned, to see a vast, white-furred primate glowering down at her. It wielded a massive oaken club with a knobbly end, and it had more teeth than anybody could really need.

Zoeya fired a few bursts of laser at the monster, but only succeeded in singeing its fur, which earned her a vicious thwack to the abdomen. Teep's arrows proved no more effective, and he was borne to the ground by the creature's bludgeon. Norbert, seeing how inevitable his defeat was, passed out.

* * *

In a nearby clearing a large log fire blazed, sending sparks off into the air and slowly warming Teep, who the white primate was spit-roasting. Rythian, Zoeya and Norbert lay in a doleful heap, trussed up like turkeys, able to do nothing but cry for help.

"Help! Help!" they cried.

"Save yer breath. Dere ain't no help coming any time soon," chuckled the monster in a thick, deep, rumbling voice, with emphasis on "thick".

"I love you, Rythian," whimpered Zoeya.

"I know," replied Rythian.

"Help!" cried Norbert, who had not yet got the message.

"Shaddup," said the monster absentmindedly.

"No! You shut up!" declared Rythian, bursting free of his bonds and bringing his Red Katar to bear. "Your reign of terror is at an end, foul beast! Prepare to-"

The monster shoved Rythian headfirst into a snowdrift, laughing stupidly. Zoeya began to cry.

"Don't worry, Zoeya," Norbert comforted her. "I'm sure we won't die too slowly." Zoeya remained resolutely uncomforted, struggling desperately with her bonds, but with little success.

"I say," said Norbert a few moments later, "can anyone hear singing?"

"Now that you mention it…" agreed Zoeya, hearing for the first time the faintest trace of a song on the air. It went something like this:

_"I came to dig! Dig! Dig! Dig!_

_To build a city that's so big! Big! Big! Big!_

_Wait a sec, gotta kill this pig! Pig! Pig! Pig!_

_Cook me some bacon and take a swig! Swig! Swig! Swig!"_

Half hopeful and half afraid of some new danger, Zoeya and Norbert both sat as still as they could, listening intently. Out of a long string of half-audible lyrics, the voice rose up loud and clear and burst into this song:

_"There must be something I can cra-a-a-a-aft_

_To ease the burden of this ta-a-ask!_

_I shoot my arrows in the air sometime,_

_Singing eeeyoh! Creepers KOed!_

_Teabag his ghost and now his sulphur's mine!_

_Singing eeeyoh! MLG pro!"_

Teep and Zoeya sat listening as if enchanted. Into the monster's cooking-clearing skipped a short, stocky man wearing bright yellow boots, a dark blue jacket, and an old battered hat with a blue feather. A bushy brown beard hung down from his mouth, and he carried in hand a stout oaken staff.

"Help!" cried Zoeya.

"Help!" agreed Norbert.

"Mmflmfflfl!" Rythian piped up, through a mouthful of snow.

The short man did a double take, dropping his staff in surprise.

"Hey, now!" he called. "What's up?"

"This massive white furry thing is going to eat us!" replied Zoeya, looking worriedly at Teep, who was writhing in the grip of the spit, much too hot for comfort.

"Who're you?" grunted the monster.

"I, sir, am Tim Folderol, the Druid of Silverleaf Hill!" declared the short man.

"Well, lah-de-dah. I, sir, am an 'ungry Yeti, so you can bugger off," suggested the monster. "Or else," it added, brandishing its club.

"Do you know, I don't think I will," replied Tim. He strolled boldly up to the laughing Yeti and head butted its most vulnerable area. The Yeti collapsed in agony, and Tim strolled over to the fire, where he untied a grateful and sweaty Teep from the spit.

"So, what exactly are you doing in my forest?" asked Tim, retrieving his staff while Teep pulled Rythian out of the snowdrift and freed Zoeya and Norbert.

"It's a long story. It all started when Zoeya, here, went to find some mushrooms for an omelette…" began Rythian.

* * *

"…And he shoved me into a snowdrift, which brings us nicely to the present," finished Rythian a few minutes later.

"Wow!" commented Tim. "Sounds like you need a guardian angel!" He laughed, a great, roaring, jovial laugh that shook his belly like a bouncy castle. Then he stopped with a start, and grabbed Rythian firmly by the shoulders, giving them a good pull. "Wait, did you say the demon was called Ĕħîøłþĵæç?!"

"I did," Rythian affirmed, wincing as Tim pulled himself nearly a foot off the ground by his shoulders.

"Oh. Ah. You'd better come to my house, then," suggested Tim gravely, descending with a resounding thump.

* * *

About ten minutes later, Rythian, Zoeya and Norbert were warming up with hot cocoa around Tim's homely oaken table, while Teep cooled down with some iced lemonade. A warm log fire (which Teep regularly glanced nervously at) blazed at one side of the room, and all the other sides were taken up by wooden shelves of various foodstuffs and kitchen products. A small window framed by unrefined oak boughs gave a magnificent view of the pine forest, and the mighty silver-leafed birch trees covering the hill upon which Tim's house was situated.

Tim himself sat next to his wife Strawberry (who I will describe in a minute) in an old red leather armchair, discussing grave matters of ancient evil and quests with the four guests.

"It's just as I feared," he said gravely. "Ĕħîøłþĵæç has returned to his full power. Your time-stopping spell was an excellent idea, but it won't keep him at bay for too long. Trust me. I tried it myself once."

"You did?!" cried Zoeya.

"Yes," agreed Tim.

"So you know how to defeat him, then," reasoned Rythian.

"I do, but it would be exceedingly difficult," replied Tim. "And me telling you how would probably break an ancient blood-oath."

"Oh, come on! Tell them! That oath was a thousand years ago," said a new voice, belonging to the woman sitting next to Tim. She was tall and would be quite pretty, but for how scruffy she was. Her long, fiery red hair looked like it had been pulled in reverse through some topiary once a day for the last three months, and her once fine green linen clothes were so smudged and grass-stained it would take hours to clean them. Her smooth ivory skin was so dirty it looked coffee-coloured, and the stuff caked on the soles of her leather boots could be used to stuff hotel mattresses.

"Well, I don't know…" pondered Tim, stroking his beard thoughtfully.

"Pleeeeeeease?" pleaded Zoeya, carefully pronouncing each individual E.

"Oh, all right," relented Tim. "It all started 1326 years ago, when Strawberry and I were but a young, starry-eyed pair of druid-wannabes. A darkness spread over the land, rumour grew of a shadow in the East, the days grew cold, etcetera. Four powerful demons arose from the Dark Realm of Zarthogorium: Ĕħîøłþĵæç, Demon of Fire; ¥æċąœơ, Demon of Water; Ǻςюΰο, Demon of Air; and Ẫ¢æñŧǿçįŕ, Demon of Earth. Long story short, they took over the world, and we all had to lump it."

"That's horrible!" declared Norbert.

"Thank you, Norbert. I would never have realised that without your input," said Rythian.

"Well, quite. Anyway, me, Strawberry, and some friends decided to fight back, about 300 years later. We sent a group of Hobbits on a quest to destroy the magical gemstones from which the demons got their immense magical prowess, but they all got killed, so we did it the old fashioned way. We killed ¥æċąœơ, Ǻςюΰο, and Ẫ¢æñŧǿçįŕ, but Ĕħîøłþĵæç survived. He was too powerful to die, so we sealed him deep beneath where your ill-fated stronghold now lies," continued Tim. "And, from what I gather, some idiot woke him up," Tim finished. "Which brings us to where we are now," he added. "In dire straits," he elaborated.

"I see," said Rythian simply. "So, there's no way we can kill Ĕħîøłþĵæç?"

"Well, not as such…" replied Tim, giving his beard another stroke for luck. "There is one item with the power to destroy him. It can destroy anything, in fact, but that's not really relevant."

"What is it?" asked Rythian.

"Where can we find it?" asked Zoeya, at the same time.

They looked at each other.

"Sorry, you go ahead," offered Rythian.

"No, no, after you," said Zoeya graciously.

"What is it?" repeated Rythian.

"It is called the Sword of the Mushroom King," declared Tim.

"That's 'cause it's a sword, and it's owned by a mushroom who's also a king," explained Strawberry.

"A mushroom?" said Zoeya dubiously.

"A mushroom," Tim confirmed.

"A proper one," Rythian reassured Zoeya. "Not like Jeff, or anything."

"Really?!" cried Zoeya, her eyes lighting up with glee.

"Yep," confirmed Strawberry.

"Where is this sword?" enquired Norbert.

"I'm glad you asked," said Tim. "The sword lies deep within the impregnable tomb of the ancient pharaoh Theodora the Fourth, in the farthest reaches of the Desert of a Thousand Terrors!"

Teep held up a blackboard message. It read, "Dun-dun-dunnnnnnn!"

Everybody glared at him. Strawberry coughed.

"Well then, um, where is the Desert of a Thousand Terrors?" asked Norbert.

"That way," replied Strawberry, pointing vaguely northeast.

"Come on, then!" called Zoeya, setting off at a brisk walk.

"Are you stark raving mad?!" cried Tim. "It's miles away!"

"Yeah," agreed Strawberry, her eyes shining. "Miles and miles, over open sea and dense jungle, across cloying mud and past razor-sharp rocks!"

"Oh," said Zoeya deflatedly.

"Don't worry, though," said Tim. "We'll sort you out with a few supplies…"

* * *

Over the next few days, the six laboured tirelessly to prepare for the quest to the Desert of a Thousand Terrors. Rythian spent many a long hour honing his magical skills until he was more powerful. Zoeya and Strawberry worked long into the night to construct a flying machine capable of bearing two people, one snow golem, a storage chest and a dinosaur over the sea. Teep pored over maps of the world to work out a good route to take. Tim painstakingly re-enchanted the storage chest until it was so clever it might as well have been to Harvard or Oxbridge or somewhere like that. Norbert made some sandwiches for the trip. Until at last:

"Um, people, we have a bit of a problem," said Strawberry.

"What is it?" asked Rythian.

"Well, you know the tomb of Theodora the Fourth?"

"What of it?"

"You need a password to get in, and only the Mushroom King and his daughter know it."

"Ah."

"And," continued Strawberry, preparing herself for the worst, "the Mushroom King's forgotten it, and his daughter's imprisoned in a dragon-guarded tower."

Rythian stared at her, letting all this sink in. It was a setback, but he could handle it. No problems there. He was a mature, capable adult, and setbacks like this did not faze him. Nope. Not in the slightest.

"AAAARGH!" screamed Rythian, falling to his knees in despair. "Oh, God! Why must the path of my life be so strewn with cowpats and potholes?!"

"What's wrong?!" cried Zoeya, rushing over to her friend.

Rythian took a deep breath, forcing himself to stay calm. "We need a password to get into Theodora's tomb. Only the Mushroom King and his daughter know it. The king has forgotten it. His daughter is being held captive in a tower."

"Oh," said Zoeya. "That's a pity," she added.

Teep came over to see what all the fuss was about, his eyes hooded from many long, sleepless nights spent poring over maps. The route was almost complete, and he was so proud of it; nothing could be more of a disappointment to him than, say, that they had to make a long detour before visiting Theodora's tomb.

"What's wrong?" wrote Teep.

Strawberry explained. Teep passed out.

"Oh, my days!" cried Zoeya, falling to the ground beside her reptilian chum.

"Teep!" exclaimed Rythian. "Say something!"

"What happened?!" demanded Norbert, rushing over to Teep's prone form.

Rythian explained.

"Oh," said Norbert. "Better make some more sandwiches, then."


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note**

Before we begin this chapter, I'd like to stress that I don't own the Millennium Falcon, which I make a fairly blatant reference to in this chapter. That git Han Solo won it off me in a game of Go Fish. I also make several other blatant Star Wars references, so if you don't like Star Wars, I apologize in advance.

Nano-sabers, however, are actually in Tekkit.

**Chapter 5: The Attack of the Lightning Elementals**

"It is called Ulysses the Third," explained Zoeya, "because the two previous versions exploded. Don't worry, though, we tested it thoroughly." She pulled a sheet of stained yellow canvas off a large object beneath, revealing a sort of flat, rectangular wooden boat with sleek fins on the sides, small stabilizing ridges on the undercarriage, and a small, stylish pillar thingy just behind the prow, which was adorned with a statue of avenging angel motif. There was a raised area of deck towards the stern, upon which were anchored two beds (a standard double bed and a large dog bed), and a table with four chairs.

"Ulysses the Third?" repeated Norbert.

"What is it?" asked Rythian.

"A magical flying boat," replied Strawberry, whose usual covering of filth now ensured that plenty of sawdust adhered to her flawless ivory skin. "Zoeya and I built it."

"I see," said Rythian. "Um, what was that about the two previous versions exploding?"

"Nothing," replied Strawberry innocently.

"Well, could you give us a demonstration?" asked Rythian.

"Certainly," replied Zoeya. "After you, Strawberry," she added.

"No, after you," said Strawberry.

"No, no, you go ahead," insisted Zoeya.

"Oh, for heaven's sake! I'll do it," declared Norbert, shoving the two women aside and stepping onto Ulysses III. He stepped onto the front deck and moved around in a "just getting ready" sort of way for a while. He looked closely at the stylish post thingy, and gave up completely.

"What do I do?" Norbert asked.

"Don't worry. My dear friend Strawberry will demonstrate," said Zoeya..

"All right…" sighed Strawberry, stepping onto Ulysses III with no small amount of trepidation. "If it blows up in my face, you're _so_ going to regret this," she added. Zoeya gave her a look of pure affronted innocence.

"Well then, Norbert," began Strawberry, "it's perfectly complicated. This wooden bit (referred to in the last few paragraphs as a stylish post thingy) is the main control. To operate the vehicle, you simply hold the rounded knob at the end in your hand and give it a little of your Power. After that, you control Ulysses III with your thoughts."

"My thoughts?" repeated Norbert, quite bemused.

"Your thoughts," affirmed Strawberry. "Think upwardly thoughts to go up, think fast thoughts to speed up, think directional thoughts to steer, and so on."

"Well, how hard can it be?" said Norbert. Taking in hand the stylish post thingy, he injected a little of his Power into Ulysses III, and began to think flighty thoughts.

Nothing happened.

"You need to really focus on it," Strawberry advised him. "Completely ignore everything else."

Norbert focused on raising Ulysses III with all his mental might. He completely blocked out every thought not directly pertaining to lifting Ulysses III off the ground, and, sure enough, it rose.

"Brilliant! Norbert, you're an absolute marvel!" cried Rythian, punching the air.

"We built it," Zoeya reminded him.

"True…" conceded Rythian.

"So, I take it you're ready to go?" asked Tim, striding jauntily up to the group with Teep and the storage chest in tow, while Norbert carefully landed Ulysses III.

"We are," agreed Rythian.

"Good! I've fully re-enchanted your storage chest with the very latest of Animation techniques, including its own personality and gender."

"Thank you," said Zoeya graciously.

"What gender?" asked Rythian, demonstrating an amazing grasp of prioritisation.

"Female," replied Tim. "Its name is Helga, by the way."

"Pleased to meet you, Helga. I'm Zoeya, and this is Rythian," introduced Zoeya, bending over to talk to the chest. Helga maintained a rugged silence.

"It's mute, I'm afraid. I tried to give it a voice, but…" Tim trailed off, giving his beard a thoughtful stroke.

"Zere vere complications," said Teep, in a feminine, Germanically accented voice.

"Oh, my gosh! He spoke!" squeaked Zoeya, staring open-mouthed at her reptilian friend.

"YJa, vell, spare ze ballyhoo for vhen I get a proper voice. Zis is meant for a German voman," moaned Teep. "Or a female storage chest mit (with) a German name, I suppose…" he added.

"Better than nothing, though," Norbert reassured him, stepping down from Ulysses III.

"Speak for yourself. No-one vill take me seriously mit a voice like zis…" sighed Teep.

"Then don't speak. We're all used to it," suggested Rythian, which was actually rather hurtful.

"No need for zat kind of attitude…" Teep muttered.

"Anyway…" said Tim meaningfully, "if you want to stay a bit longer, I'd understand. You might want to wait until summer before going off on a quest."

"But that's a whole 'nother year!" Zoey pointed out.

"No, just nine months, give or take," Tim corrected her.

"Just long enough to have a baby," Strawberry supplied.

"Alas! We can tarry no longer. The winds of fate have blown on our destinies," Rythian pointed out.

"I see. Good luck," said Strawberry.

"Goodbye then, Tim and Strawberry," said Rythian, shaking the stocky druid and mucky woman warmly by their hands.

"Farewell," said Norbert, taking up his position at the prow of Ulysses III.

"Bye-ee!" called Zoeya.

"Guten tag," declared Teep.

Rythian, Teep and Zoeya strode towards their vehicle in that slow, bouncy walk often used by ace pilots about to embark on exciting adventures. Tim gave them a two-fingered salute, which Norbert returned, and Ulysses III began to rise once more into the blue yon-

"Wait!" shouted Strawberry, suddenly remembering something. "Zoeya, I've got something for you."

"For me?" asked Zoeya, leaping gracefully from Ulysses III to alight in front of her messy friend.

"Yep. A token of our friendship," declared Strawberry, handing Zoeya a pair of bright green Wellington boots. (That's gumboots, rainboots, rubber boots or gummisteifel to you foreign people.)

"And this is for Rythian," she added, handing over a red woollen scarf.

"Oh, thank you!" said Zoeya gratefully, embracing Strawberry, then gingerly peeling herself off with a new frontal coating of mess.

"Sorry about that," said Strawberry.

* * *

And so it came to pass that our heroes set off upon Ulysses III, following a hastily revised route made by Teep, who was subsequently getting some well-needed rest on the rear deck. Rythian and Norbert took turns to control the flying machine, the first wearing his new scarf as a bandana, which, combined with his usual bandit's mask, almost completely covered his face. Helga (The storage chest, remember?) sat in a niche made especially for her near the front of the craft, while Zoeya kept watch over the skies, resplendent in her new wellies.

Flying at a steady 50 km/h, Ulysses III bore its owners away over the pine forest for the rest of the day, alighting on a flat clearing for the night. The following day took it away over the thinning pine trees and then to the sea. Roaring waves lashed across the grey-blue water, and ahead the skies grew dark. To Zoeya, it seemed like there was trouble ahead.

"I have a bad feeling about that storm," Zoeya declared.

"A storm? Well, that's all we need..." sighed Rythian. "Zoeya, you made this contraption. Can it handle stormy weather?"

"It all depends on how well Norbert flies it, and how strong the wind is," replied Zoeya. As if in response to her words, a sleety gust blew Ulysses III to the side, tilting it to a dangerous angle.

"Oh, mein Gott!" wailed Teep, awakening with a start.

"Don't worry, though," Zoeya reassured them. "How hard can it be?"

Very, it turned out. Sheets of rain cascaded down from the maelstrom of black clouds, lashing down upon the tiny speck that was Ulysses III and making the grey, roiling sea below even wetter, if such a thing is possible. The small flying boat bucked and tossed in the winds as Norbert fought for control, barely keeping it horizontal and not always moving forwards. Lightning schismed across the dark sky, vaporising the water where it struck and almost blinding Rythian as he leaned over the side for a better view. He knew they couldn't go on like this.

"We can't go on like this!" declared Rythian, shouting to make himself heard above the wind.

"Too bloody right!" agreed Teep, holding fast to the large dog-bed in which he was now buried among the sodden blankets.

"Isn't there some sort of magic we could do?" suggested Zoeya, reaching down to comfort Helga.

"Not against a storm this big," replied Rythian grimly. "I suppose we could harness the power of the lightning, but a bolt isn't likely to land close enough to-"

Lightning struck Ulysses III.

* * *

Meanwhile, fairly nearby actually, another part of the storm was raging over an island, covered in tall trees whose mighty red trunks and bright green leaves almost touched the sky, towering over the smaller trees and thick undergrowth beneath. Lightning lit the sky every few seconds, casting great shadows behind the gargantuan trees, and frightening the wits out of the young Scotsman running like heck through the jungle.

He was in his mid twenties, and wore a simple cream-coloured sweatshirt with green trousers and a pair of rain-blurred glasses. A sheathed sword hung loosely from his belt, flapping wildly in the wind, and his soaking mop of dark brown hair waved behind him like a drunken octopus as he tore through the massive forest. Though bracken snatched at his clothes, mud pulled at his soaking shoes and gale-force wind threatened periodically to send him flying, he cared not. His closest friend was in grave danger, lost in the depths of night, and he wouldn't abandon her.

The young man's name was Nilesy, and he was the business partner of Lomadia, who was currently missing. She owned the jungle island, which she had made into an owl sanctuary and christened Owl Island. Nilesy, however, was a pool-builder.

"Lomadia! Lomadia, where are you?!" called Nilesy, still racing through the jungle. "Lomadia, are you all r-"

His face collided with a low-hanging branch. Groaning slightly, the young Scotsman adjusted his glasses and began to reconsider his stratagem. Lomadia was missing, and he had to find her before the storm claimed her. To his name he had only a packet of tissues in his pocket and a diamond sword, plus some tools and slabs of milky white marble for making pools in the Ethereal Storage Realm. At night, terrible things could happen: murder, robbery, rape, jaywalking, hordes of witches chasing drunken Scottish farmers and pulling the tails off their horses, shedloads of monsters spawning all over the place… The logical thing to do would be to run away before any of that happened, but logic had never had to deal with emotions. Nilesy, however, did.

To avoid trouble, he reasoned, what he would do was proceed slowly through the jungle, calling to Lomadia periodically, until either he found her, she found him, or the Grim Reaper took pity on him and delivered the bad news.

It was as these thoughts crossed his mind that he became aware of a small item on the ground, at the foot of an enormous, vine-hung tree. Taking a closer look, he found that it was a cream-coloured ring inset with a magenta orb. A flight ring. Lomadia had one of those. The Scotsman looked up, and gasped.

Hanging down from a branch nearly broken by her weight was Lomadia, clad entirely in blue, but for a brown hat of owl motif and some white training shoes.

"Lomadia?! What are ye doing up there?" called Nilesy surprisedly, in a Scottish accent, naturally.

"N-Nilesy? Is that you?" came the distant reply.

"Aye. How did ye get up there, though?" asked Nilesy.

"I was flying," replied Lomadia, shaking some of the wetness out of her shoulder length yellowish-blonde hair, "but the storm blew me into this tree, and I dropped my ring."

"Oh, right. Well, dinnae worry, I'll soon have ye doon from there," Nilesy reassured her. He slipped the magical ring onto his finger, and then realised that he had no idea how to use it. Oh, well. How hard could it be?…

* * *

"Aaaaaaaaargh!" wailed Rythian, Zoeya, Norbert and Teep.

"We're dead!" screamed Zoeya, shutting her eyes against the rushing wind. Ulysses III hurtled through the storm-wracked sky, still smouldering where the lightning had struck.

Rythian was just getting ready to perform Teep's, Norbert's and Zoeya's last rites, when he noticed something. Rising up out of the sea like… well, like an island out of the sea, an island rose up out of the sea. Tall canopy trees stretched high above the sandy shores like the pillars of the sky, and a few lights shone in the distance, which could only mean one thing: civilization.

"Look!" cried Rythian, shaking Zoeya's shoulder. "Land! We're saved!"

"Yippee!" agreed Zoeya, grabbing Norbert and leading him to the controls. From the depths of despair a new hope had arisen, and they weren't about to wait for the Empire to strike back; so with a zip and a twirl and many a scream of terror, the four set off for Owl Island…

* * *

"Oh, very well done. Now what will we do?!" ranted Lomadia.

"At least we're together now," Nilesy pointed out, hanging from a branch on another tree next to hers and looking in vain for the ring.

"Oh, yes, of course. Now we can die together, and- Eeek!"

A bolt of forked lightning flashed down past their trees, arcing from sky to ground for several seconds, vaporising the rain as it passed. It was several more seconds before either of the people hanging from the tree spoke.

"Wow!" commented Nilesy.

"What do you mean, "Wow!"?! Look!" cried Lomadia, pointing to the steaming ground where the lightning had struck. A group of indistinct figures were milling about, giving off a faint blue glow.

"Ye dinnae suppose they're Lightning Elementals, do you?" asked Nilesy.

"I dare say they are," replied Lomadia.

"Um," began Nilesy after a few seconds, "are ye getting a bit of a sinking feeling?"

"No. Why?" replied Lomadia.

"Oh, no reasAAAARGH!" wailed Nilesy, as his tree began to fall over.

"Owwww!" he added, as the tree came to a jarring halt after colliding with another.

"Oh, God!" he continued, as the group of Lightning Elementals, now clearly visible in all their lean, glowing, lightning-throwing glory, began to walk steadily up the slanted trunk of his tree. Nilesy slowly and carefully got his balance among the leaves, drawing his sword and adopting a heroic pose.

"I'm warning yez, I have a black belt in origami," he lied.

"Prepare to die!" replied the leader of the Lightning Elementals, resplendent in bright blue mithril armour and leather winkle-pickers. He raised a glowing blue hand crackling with electrical energy to the terrified Nilesy's throat, and was borne to his knees by the sudden arrival of Lomadia. Throwing caution to the wind, she had leapt from her tree, and somehow landed right on top of the oblivious Elemental.

"BEEP off, you bunch of ragamuffin fatheads!" suggested Lomadia, kicking the lead Elemental off the treetrunk and unsheathing a slim, wickedly sharp nano-saber and aiming it at the other elementals.

"Surrender or die," suggested the Lightning Elementals' second-in-command, raising a crackling hand of her own.

"If you want us, come and get us!" quipped Lomadia, thumbing a button on her nano-saber's hilt, which caused it to start flickering between a red and neon blue glow.

The Elementals glanced at each other.

"Oh, come on! They're only humans," said the second-in-command, whose name was Elismaeroth, or Ellie to her friends.

"You lead the way, then," suggested another.

"In your own time," said Nilesy, in an annoying, childlike voice.

"We've got all night," agreed Lomadia.

"Well, quite frankly you're the biggest bunch of cowards it's ever been my misfortune to meet! I'll deal with these two myself," declared Ellie.

Ellie sent forth a searing bolt of lightning from her hand. Lomadia caught it on her nano-saber (which had an insulated hilt), and stabbed Ellie right through her armour and into her chest. Dark yellow blood oozed out, but Ellie was unfazed.

"Missed both my hearts," she said grimly. Nilesy decapitated her.

"That's not fair!" protested her head, as it fell to the forest floor below.

"Tough," replied Nilesy.

Thusly, Lomadia and Nilesy advanced down the treetrunk, hacking the Elementals to bits and making rude gestures at those few who ran away. Lomadia's nano-saber steamed as rain spontaneously evaporated near its hilt, and Nilesy's diamond sword was yellow with blood by the time they clambered over the tree's uprooted roots and slew the Elemental who had pushed it down in the first place. (His bulldozer was rather a problem, but no match for Lomadia's devious wedging-a-big-stick-in-the-caterpillar-track offensive.) And then they saw the massive army of Lightning Elementals approaching them.

"Oh, no! What'll we do?!" cried Lomadia dramatically, taking Nilesy's hand.

"Climb a tree!" replied Nilesy, running off to do just that.

"I knew you'd say that…" sighed Lomadia.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a lightning-scored sky above the drenched jungle, Ulysses III pressed on through the storm, shaking and veering and cracking near where the lightning had struck, yet never getting round to crashing. Working together, Rythian and Norbert flew the stricken craft, while Teep hid under a picnic basket and Zoeya gave Rythian some friendly advice.

"Don't you think we should, y'know, land soon?" she suggested.

"Where?!" asked Rythian, who was rather annoyed by the whole situation. "On a tree? In a swamp?"

"No, on the ground between trees," replied Zoeya.

"It's too risky. We'll need to find a flat, treeless place to land, and then-"

A loud thunderclap interrupted Rythian, closely followed by another, then some more. The jungle became one massive light show as lightning arced from place to place, all originating from one small place near a fallen tree.

"That's not normal lightning," Norbert said worriedly.

"Okay, change of plan. Norbert, take us down!" ordered Rythian, unsheathing his Red Katar and adopting a ready-for-action sort of a stance at the side of Ulysses III.

"Zoeya, you stay with me. We'll be melee-ing with whatever's causing the lightning. Teep, get out from under that basket and cover us," continued Rythian. Zoeya took her pickaxe from the Ethereal Storage Realm (it was a bit heavy to carry around all the time), and adopted a stance similar to Rythian's beside him. Teep located his long, slender birch-wood bow and a quiver full of arrows inside Helga, squeezed the quiver's strap over his head and took up a covering position behind Zoeya and Rythian.

Norbert carefully brought Ulysses III over to where the lightning was happening, and saw the strangest thing. Two people were cowering amid the charred branches of a massive jungle tree while a horde of Lightning Elementals flung lightning at them. The Elementals numbered at least 40 and the tree barely had any leaves left at the top.

"Right… um… Any ideas?" asked Rythian.

"I have one," replied Zoeya, and she leapt from Ulysses III, alighting gracefully beside the Elementals. She drew herself up to her full height, darkening the sky behind her and making her eyes glow bright green, and then spoke.

"Um, excuse me, why are you attacking those people in that tree?" she asked meekly.

"Because we want to. Now bugger off before we do the same to you," came the brusque reply.

"I really think we should talk about this," Zoeya pressed. The Elementals looked at one another.

"Get her!" they decided.

Ten bolts of searing, blindingly bright lightning converged on Zoeya, scything through the fabric of the universe like samurai swords through jelly.

They never hit Zoeya. In the nick of time, Rythian leapt in front of her, the lightning earthing harmlessly on his red matter armour (which he had kept with him in the Ethereal Storage Realm). Helga was close behind, disembarking via a group of small boulders that were the closest thing nearby to a staircase.

"Thank you," said Zoeya relievedly.

"Any time," replied Rythian.

"Get them!" shouted Djaurisk, the Elemental horde's leader, gesturing towards Rythian and Zoeya with a silvery steel doublesword.

A doublesword, by the way, is a sword with two blades attached to the same hilt, parallel along their width.

"Come on, then! We'll take you all on!" offered Rythian.

"Chaaaaaaarge!" agreed Zoeya, and they ran at the Elementals.

* * *

"What," asked Lomadia bemusedly, "is going on down there?!"

Nilesy took a jolly good look at the chaotic scene below the tree. Someone in fancy red armour was striding unharmed amidst all the lightning, slaying Lightning Elementals with a glowing red dagger. His red-haired chum leapt and dodged, deftly avoiding attacks and stoving in the heads of her foes with a black pickaxe. The ranks of Elementals were diminishing fast, but their leader was still standing, and he did not look at all happy. Oh, no, I tell a lie; the one with red armour stabbed him through his left heart then pulled his dagger over to the other one.

"What's going on?" Lomadia repeated.

"Search me," Nilesy replied.

"If I vere you, I vouldn't vorry about down zere. I'd vorry about up here," Teep advised them, standing on the rear deck of Ulysses III as Norbert expertly hovered it by the enormous tree.

Nilesy stared at him, in all his fierce, scaly, tooth-filled glory, for a full four seconds.

"Lomadia," he said with forced calmness, "did that dinosaur just talk to us?"

Teep rolled his eyes. "Of course I did! I got a voice in a magical accident, and it's still here, so I'm stuck mit it."

"Who are you?" asked Lomadia.

"I'm Teep. I'm here to rescue you," replied Teep.

"Ye're who?" asked Nilesy.

"Teep. Now, are you going mit us or vhat?"

Nilesy and Lomadia looked at each other. They didn't really have any choice.

"Ve're going mit you," said Lomadia, stepping aboard Ulysses III.

* * *

The Elementals couldn't understand it. They were the pinnacle of evolution, vicious magical warriors blessed with the power of lightning, capable of single-handedly killing giants on good days. Yet here they were, being slaughtered by a red-haired woman, a bloke in some fancy armour, and a small black storage chest. This was going badly.

"This is going badly!" declared Zarunesa, the Elementals' third-in-command, and one of only four still alive.

"Too right," agreed Skorimar. "We're doomed! I'll never see my wife and children again! They'll starve! If only there were a way…"

"You could surrender," offered Zoeya.

"NEVER!" chorused the four Elementals.

"Okay then," accepted Rythian, burning the four Elementals to a crisp with a fireball. "You can come down now!" he called, and a few seconds later, Ulysses III alighted gracefully on a pile of cremated Elementals. Nilesy and Lomadia stepped forth to greet their saviours.

"Thank you," said Lomadia gratefully. "If it wasn't for you, we'd have-"

"Oh, my goodness!" Zoeya interrupted. "It's Nilesy!"

"Zoeya?!" cried Nilesy. "Rythian?!"

"Nilesy, old shoe! Lovely to see you," said Rythian, and he and Nilesy embraced, in a manly sort of way. Nilesy had built the pool at Blackrock Stronghold, in exchange for the friendship of Rythian and Zoeya (and ten large diamonds), and they had become fairly close.

"Likewise," agreed Nilesy. "How's the pool holding up?"

"It may have been destroyed, actually," said Rythian sadly.

"How?! When?!" asked Nilesy.

"It's complicated," said Zoeya vaguely.

"We'll explain on the way," offered Rythian.

"On the way where?" asked Lomadia.

"Um… that may be part of the explanation," said Rythian.

"Ri-i-i-ight… Let's go to your airship, have a wash and some lunch, and then you can explain," suggested Lomadia.

"This… This _is_ our airship," said Rythian, gesturing to Ulysses III.

"You came in that thing?!" cried Lomadia. "You guys are braver than I thought…"

She thought for a moment.

"I tell you what," she offered, "get this walking fossil out of my way, and we'll go to my airship."

"All right," agreed Zoeya.

"Certainly," concurred Norbert.

"Fine by me," acquiesced Rythian.

"Valking fossil?" muttered Teep. "Vell, really!"

* * *

Lomadia's airship, the Millennium Toucan, was a beautiful sight. Its reddish wooden hull curved gracefully down and out and then up and out a bit more to form a raised deck, its three triangular sails of white cloth billowed around their masts, and the two two-tiered propellers beneath the ship spun at a leisurely pace to keep it aloft.

"It's magnificent!" said Zoeya, who was in awe.

"It's high up," said Norbert, holding fast to the side railings of the wooden walkway leading to the airship, which was suspended high up among the treetops. It was part of a massive elevated owl sanctuary, which Lomadia had built more or less from scratch.

"Where else could I put it?" Lomadia asked him.

"On the ground," replied Norbert.

"With those propellers?!" said Lomadia incredulously.

"You could dig out some propeller-sized holes for them," Norbert suggested.

Lomadia gave him a funny look.

"Anyway," she said eventually, "this is my airship. There's food on board, and shelter, and a bath, so let's not wait any longer."

With that, the young woman leapt from the end of the walkway, alighting nimbly on the Millennium Toucan's deck, then sliding into the mast because of how slippery it was what with the rain.

After checking herself for any broken bones, Lomadia stepped carefully back to the side of the Toucan and manoeuvred an all-purpose plank of wood into position between the walkway and a gap in the airship's side railings.

Nilesy carefully balanced his way over the plank, gesturing for the others to follow. Zoeya came after him, followed closely by Rythian, then Norbert, and finally Teep, who was carrying Helga.

Before long, the six were washed and fed, and talking animatedly of various important things in the spacious cabin at the rear of the Toucan. The room's main feature was a circular wooden table with enough comfortable chairs for ten people. Zoeya's was a swivel chair, much to her delight, and everyone else's subsequent dismay.

"I'm really sorry," Zoeya said, for the fourth time.

"Yes, yes…" said Nilesy, as he carefully bagged up the shards of glass.

"I mean, how was I to know it could unscrew itself and fly off like that?" Zoeya pressed on.

"No use crying over spilt milk," Lomadia reassured her, as she carefully removed the seat of the swivel chair from a large, sharp edged gap in what remained of the Toucan's rear window.

"What's done is done," said Norbert. "You agree, don't you, Rythian?"

"Of course…" sighed Rythian, remembering just how much milk Zoeya had spilt since he met her, and how much crying he hadn't done.

* * *

"So, um, I'd imagine you're not interested in our proposal after this?" Rythian asked Lomadia and Nilesy a short while later.

"That all depends," said Lomadia thoughtfully. "Does Zoeya often do things like that?"

"Absolutely not!" replied Zoeya.

"She absolutely does," Rythian contradicted her.

"Do I?" asked Zoeya.

"Remember zat time ve vent fishing, and you challenged King Neptune to a game of Chess?" asked Teep.

"Well, yes, I suppose, but-"

"And what about the time you used a Thaumic Entropy Cannon on a cheesecake? I was picking bits of soft cream cheese out of my hair for weeks!" said Rythian, with a shudder.

"Yes, but that was a one-off, and-"

"And don't get me started on that business with the quicksand!" interrupted Rythian.

"I still have nightmares about it…" said Teep nervously.

"Now that you mention it, I'm a walking disaster area," Zoeya conceded.

"I wouldn't go that far…" said Norbert.

There was silence for a few seconds. Rythian broke it.

"Well?" he said. "Are you coming with us?"

Lomadia and Nilesy whispered to each other for a few seconds, until it seemed a decision was reached.

"We'll come," said Lomadia finally.

"But there are a few conditions," Nilesy pointed out. "One: we go in the Millennium Toucan."

"I'm not going in your bucket of bolts," Lomadia explained.

"But it doesn't have any bolts!" Zoeya protested.

"Two," said Nilesy, ignoring her magnificently, "Lomadia will be in charge whenever we're aboard the Toucan, and also second in command when we're no'."

"Second to whom?" asked Zoeya.

"Me," replied Rythian.

"You? You're in charge?!" cried Zoeya, in shock.

"Yes…" said Rythian heavily.

"No-one told me. Why?" asked Zoeya.

"Because I'm your master, because I'm the most powerful wizard this side of Azerbaijan, because I'm the most leaderly, and because I say so!" snapped Rythian.

"No need for that kind of attitude. I genuinely didn't know," explained Zoeya.

"He's just a bit annoyed," Norbert reassured her.

"Anyvay…" said Teep meaningfully.

"Three," began Nilesy. "Um… Lomadia, what's the third condition?"

"There isn't one," replied Lomadia.

"I knew that," said Nilesy.

"Do you accept our conditions?" asked Lomadia.

Rythian, Zoeya, Norbert and Teep huddled together in whispered conversation, coming swiftly to a conclusion, which Norbert delivered.

"Fine by us," he declared.

"Well, then. Let us be brothers henceforth until our quest is completed!" suggested Rythian.

"Ahem?" Lomadia and Zoeya reminded him.

"And sisters!" Rythian hastily amended.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: To the Mushroom Realm**

The Sun shone over the tranquil seas between the jungle island where Lomadia and Nilesy lived and the Mushroom Realm. A stiff sea breeze filled the sails of the Millennium Toucan, and, in conjunction with the four Roy's Rolls jet engines at the stern, sent it careening over the vast blue body of water. Roy's Rolls, by the way, is a multinational baking company which has recently branched out into aircraft components.

The six people and one storage chest were kept busy all day, adjusting sails, splicing mizzen yardarms, shivering timbers, oiling the propellers, and trying in vain to comprehend the sat-nav (which Rythian refused point-blank to have anything to do with). What little down time they had was spent eating, sleeping, and playing computer games (about which Rythian and Zoeya got into a blazing row).

"Zoeya, if you think I'll just stand around while you use these abominations, you've got another thing coming," Rythian had said.

"What's wrong with computers? B.A.R.R.Y was a great help, wasn't he?" Zoeya had argued.

"They're science! Science is an abomination!" Rythian had argued.

"It's only Minecraft," Zoeya had protested.

"Whatever!" Rythian had replied. "Zoeya, I forbid you to use that computer."

"All right…" Zoeya had sighed.

"All right SIR!" Rythian had corrected her, getting into the swing of pulling rank.

* * *

The journey continued for another day without any more arguments, and early that afternoon, the Toucan came to a halt above a wide, pebbly beach at the edge of a vast continent. Scrubby plains stretched off for miles beyond the beach, leading to tall, icy-peaked mountains and a magnificent forest, coloured all manner of reds, yellows and browns by the beautiful graffiti of autumn.

Various enormous mushrooms dotted the plains, hopping about on their long, thick stalks, going about their mushroomy business. Crude wooden houses were arranged in circles around larger fortified stone towers. They were all mushroom-sized, which in these circumstances meant massive.

"What a view!" commented Nilesy, gazing in awe from the prow of the Toucan.

"It's everything I dreamed of and more!" said Zoeya, with tears in her eyes.

"I daresay, but where's the Mushroom King?" asked Rythian.

"Maybe in the castle over by that forest," suggested Lomadia, pointing to a large stone castle with several mighty towers, patrolled by a small group of armoured mushrooms. They wore spiked chains around their caps, the better to clobber enemies without the use of opposable thumbs, and armour made from small metal plates.

"I don't understand," said Norbert. "How can mushrooms build a castle?"

"Let's head over. I'll get out the ladder," said Lomadia, ignoring him. She set off to the Toucan's rear cabin, which contained the trapdoor leading to the cargo hold, and returned a few seconds later, staggering under the weight of a long metal ladder. All the others (save for Helga) instinctively ducked, just in case a comedy routine was imminent, but they need not have worried. Lomadia carefully manoeuvred the ladder over the side of the Toucan, where it promptly fell over.

"Oh, great…" sighed Rythian, returning exasperatedly to his feet.

"Dinnae worry, we also have a trampoline. Why don't we jump doon on that?" suggested Nilesy.

"That would be brilliant, but for the fact that it's up here with us," Lomadia pointed out.

"We could fly it down," suggested Zoeya.

"Don't be ridiculous! We could hardly fly it down. Why, um, there's the, um… Brilliant idea! Let's fly it down," agreed Rythian.

* * *

It took a long time to manhandle the trampoline up from the cargo hold, and even longer to repair the three metre hole they'd cut around the trapdoor to get it through, so by the time they finally got it on deck a large crowd of mushrooms had gathered around the Toucan to watch.

Rythian and Zoeya arranged themselves at opposite sides of the trampoline, crouched down to get their arms under it, and set about lifting it off the deck.

"Hnnnngh!" said Rythian, as he was wont to do when exerting himself.

"Gngnnng!" agreed Zoeya.

"I think… we need… to rethink this," panted Rythian, a few seconds later.

"Too… right," agreed Zoeya. "It took… all six of… us… last time,"

"Maybe if ye were tae harness yerselves tae it, ye could fly it away wi'oot needing tae lift it up," suggested Nilesy.

"Of course!" cried Zoeya, realising how right he was.

"I vill get some rope," offered Teep, setting off to the cargo hold.

"Vhere do you keep ze rope?" he asked, returning a short while later, empty-handed.

"I'll show you," offered Lomadia, and she led him away again.

"Here you are!" declared Teep, returning with Lomadia from the hold, arms filled with a long coil of hempen rope.

"Brilliant!" replied Rythian, taking the rope from him. "Now, does anyone have any idea how to make a harness?"

"No," replied Lomadia.

"Nein," replied Teep.

"No," replied Nilesy.

"No," replied Zoeya.

Rythian muttered something unrepeatable.

"I could try," offered Norbert.

"Jolly good of you," said Rythian. "Come over here and take this end, and I'll loop it round there, then you…"

* * *

It took them a quarter of an hour to make the harnesses, but the finished products were truly amazing. They each attached to the trampoline with two ropes, and looped around the wearer's arms and legs in such a way as not to slip off. Rythian and Norbert were proud of them.

"There we go! Our disembarking troubles are over!" declared Rythian.

"Hold on a moment, why don't we just levitate the trampoline over the side?" Zoeya asked.

With a pang of delayed realisation, Rythian realised she had a point.

"Oh, God, you're right..." he replied. "Still, we might as well go through with the harness flight, now that we're ready."

"Okay," agreed Zoeya, slipping on her harness.

"Good luck," said Lomadia.

"You're gonna need it," agreed Norbert, in a fake American accent.

"Smoke us some kippers, we'll be back for breakfast," said Zoeya dashingly, giving him a two-fingered salute.

Rythian rolled his eyes. "Are you quite through?" he asked.

"As I'll ever be," replied Zoeya.

* * *

Rythian and Zoeya Empowered their magical rings and two took off slowly and carefully, testing the weight of the trampoline. It was like carrying a massive hanging basket with one of its chains (or ropes, or other such flexible attachment devices) broken, and it was all Rythian and Zoeya could do not to damage the Toucan, let alone make a safe and dignified landing. The mushrooms below "ooh"ed and "aah"ed and occasionally "aaaargh!"ed as the trampoline swung dangerously close to them, but somehow its handlers managed to get it down, unbalanced but undamaged, which was more than they could say for the fallen ladder crushed in two places beneath it. It was more than they could say for themselves, for that matter.

"Oh, my back…" groaned Rythian, lying as flat as he could beside the trampoline to avoid aggravating the back pain he had developed from carrying it. "My shoulders!" he added, as Zoeya inexpertly massaged the bits where the ropes had dug in, causing a good deal of searing pain to assail him.

"Cheer up. It's not as if it fell on you," said Zoeya brightly, concluding the massage with a flourish.

"I hate everything," muttered Rythian.

"Here, have some tonic water. It'll perk you up," suggested Zoeya, taking a bottle of clear liquid out of the Ethereal Storage Realm and handing it to Rythian, who drank the whole bottle and smashed it on a nearby rock.

"Delicious!" declared Rythian. "Have you got anything stronger?"

"I have a few bottles of LividCoffee's beer, but he used science to make it, so-"

"I'll have some!" interrupted Rythian, holding his hand out expectantly.

"Okay. How much?" asked Zoeya.

"All of them!" replied Rythian.

"But-"

"That's an order."

"Okay, but don't blame me if you get drunk," said Zoeya, handing over four bottles of translucent brown beer. LividCoffee, a mad scientist whom Rythian wasn't too keen on but Zoeya got along with like a house on fire, had made them. Rythian set about industriously chugging them down.

"Can ve come down now?" called Teep.

"By all means," replied Zoeya. "Give them some room, people!" she shouted, addressing the crowd of mushrooms, who quickly retreated away from the trampoline.

* * *

After a lot of heated discussion, it was decided that Norbert would be the first to descend. While the idea had seemed perfectly sensible during discussion, he was not feeling at all optimistic now, standing at the side of the Millennium Toucan, wind buffeting his snowy body and pumpkin head, gravity beckoning him to an untimely demise… Norbert shuddered. He needed to concentrate on jumping, not what might happen if... well, that wasn't what he needed to concentrate on.

Thus, Norbert jumped.

The fall lasted only a couple of seconds, during which Norbert's entire life flashed before his eyes. Then he landed on the trampoline, which felt almost as bad as hitting solid ground, but had much less of an after-effect. Norbert was shaken, but he was fine.

"The lucky devil!" declared Rythian, who was on his second bottle and already looking rather red in the nose department.

"You'll be perfectly fine," Zoeya reassured Norbert, before taking a look to see whether the trampoline was clear. "Next!"

Nilesy was up next. He made a show of striding boldly over to the side of the Toucan, took one look at the trampoline, and turned as pale as a very pale thing.

"Do a backflip!" shouted a mushroom. Nilesy gulped.

"Do a somersault!" agreed another mushroom.

"If it's all the same to yez, I'll jist do a belly-flop," replied Nilesy.

"Oh, come on!" the mushrooms shouted.

"Shut it, you lot!" Zoeya advised them. "In your own time, Nilesy."

Nilesy looked over his shoulder, gave Lomadia, Teep and Helga a nervous grin, and jumped.

Nilesy landed well, rolling to ease the fall, which didn't need all that much easing anyway. The mushrooms gave a cheer, and Zoeya was pleased to report that Nilesy was in perfect health.

"Next!" she called.

Teep faced the leap without much fear. He carefully took aim, waved at Lomadia and Helga, and leapt. The mushrooms were thrilled to see him do a backflip on the way down, but their cheering came to an abrupt end when Teep bounced off the trampoline and sailed over the caps of several mushrooms to land, confused and dishevelled, in a beech tree nearby.

"You're good," Zoeya informed him, after she, Nilesy and Norbert had got him down from the tree.

"Best backflip I ever saw," Nilesy informed him.

"Next!" called Zoeya.

By now, the mushrooms had set up several informal betting pools, and some were having picnics. They cheered as much as before when Helga jumped off the Toucan, and even more when she did a little somersault on the trampoline. Then they gasped in horror as the compressed weight of a whole warehouse's worth of stuff inside her pulled her through the trampoline, tearing it like cloth.

* * *

"Helga!" cried Zoeya, running over to the storage chest.

"Lomadia!" cried Nilesy, looking up in horror at his friend, who would now be stranded on the Toucan for the rest of eternity.

"My trampoline!" cried Lomadia, looking down in horror at the ruined bouncing-platform.

"More drink!" demanded Rythian, who had just polished off the fourth bottle.

"Now what'll we do?!" cried Nilesy.

"Get me more beer!" suggested Rythian.

"You've had enough," said Zoeya.

"I've hardly had a drop!" protested Rythian.

"You had four bottles," Zoeya pointed out.

"Fish and tibble!" replied Rythian, who was beginning to slur his words. "I demand more drink!"

"Well, the mushrooms might have some…" pondered Zoeya.

"What about Lomadia?" Nilesy reminded her.

"She might have some too," agreed Zoeya.

Nilesy rolled his eyes. "I meant how are we goin' tae get her doon?"

"Good point," conceded Zoeya.

"Vhat about you?" Teep shouted to Lomadia.

"Don't worry," replied Lomadia. With the skill of someone very skilful, she Empowered her flight ring, and descended gracefully to the grassy ground beside the trampoline.

Everybody besides Nilesy stared at her open-mouthed, apart from Rythian, who was incandescent with rage. The beer coursed through his veins, kicking his caution and sensibility into next week and turning his aggression and stupidity up to eleven. He rose unsteadily but with deadly purpose to his feet, snarling like a beast from the dawn of time.

"You lazy, good-for-nothing BEEP!" Rythian shouted, throwing his empty bottle to the ground. "Why didn't you tell me you could fly?!"

"Y-you never asked," replied Lomadia, taken aback by his raging passion. "And you only made two harnesses."

"Norbert and I only made two harnesses _because we didn't know you needed one_!" Rythian explained. Lomadia gulped.

"Zis could be bad…" muttered Teep.

"All this time I've been working my socks off, ruining my back, and YOU just STOOD THERE!" roared Rythian, advancing on Lomadia, who retreated.

"I thought you didn't need my help!" protested Lomadia, shrinking back from his wrath. Zoeya, Nilesy, Norbert, Teep, Helga and a lot of mushrooms followed them, concerned but unsure of what to do.

"If you'd just got up off that fat, hairy backside of yours long enough to fly a trampoline off an airship, we'd've been done in half the time, and my back wouldn't be hurting!" Rythian continued, waving his finger at Lomadia in an aggressive sort of way.

"That's enough!" shouted Zoeya, taking Rythian's arm.

"No it isn't!" replied Rythian, shaking her off and turning back to Lomadia. "I'm going to make absolutely sure, right here and now, that you never, ever just stand around when there's trampoline-carrying to be done again!" He unsheathed his Red Katar. The mushrooms drew in a collective gasp.

"Now really, Rythian, I must insist-" began Nilesy.

"Shut up!" Rythian interrupted, and he pressed his katar against Lomadia's throat.

"Repeat after me, or you're dead." Rythian cleared his throat. "I solemnly swear…"

"I s-solemnly swear…" repeated Lomadia, shrinking back from the dagger.

"…That I will never again…"

"…That I will n-never again…"

"…Keep quiet about my flight abilities…"

"…Keep quiet about my flight abilities…"

"…When a trampoline needs moving."

"…When a trampoline needs moving."

"Good," said Rythian, satisfied. "Now let's make it a blood-oath," he suggested, proffering his Red Katar. Lomadia punched him in the face, sending Rythian staggering back, his face twisted into an expression of pain and anger.

"Right!" he growled, raising a hand aflame with magical energy. "This time, you're dead." Rythian began muttering an incantation under his breath, and there was the distinctive sound of someone being maimed by a magical attack. Lomadia screamed. Rythian's eyes glazed over and he fell slowly forwards, revealing Zoeya standing behind him, her own hand flaming in a similar way to his own.

"Sorry about that," Zoeya said. "I was waiting for a dramatic moment."

Everyone rolled their eyes.

* * *

On the way to the castle where the Mushroom King presumably was, the atmosphere between Rythian and Lomadia was rather strained. Rythian insisted he was blind drunk and, thus, not responsible for his actions; Lomadia insisted Rythian was stupid, fat, ugly git with all the poise and grace of an arthritic camel and the honour and integrity of an investment banker.

They avoided each other during the walk. Rythian led the way, so Lomadia decided to be the rearguard. Rythian went back to have a go at the group of mushroom gawpers shadowing them, so Lomadia decided she would much rather be on point. When they stopped for lunch, Rythian and Lomadia sat apart. Rythian very meaningfully conversed with Zoeya, and Lomadia focused her full attentions on Nilesy. Teep and Norbert felt very left out.

By the time they had gone through security and crossed the tall wooden fence around the castle grounds, Rythian had tied his facemask over his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at Lomadia, and when he crashed headfirst into the portcullis, everybody had had enough.

"Now, see here, everybody, zis can't go on!" Teep declared, while Nilesy introduced the group to the armoured mushrooms guarding the gate.

"Rythian vent a little mad and tried to kill you. So vhat?" Teep went on. "Zese things happen."

"No they don't," replied Lomadia.

"Zey do so!" Teep contradicted her.

"Well, not often," Zoeya pointed out.

"Vhatever! My point is, you can't let zis destroy ze beautiful friendship you've nurtured over ze years," Teep persisted.

"We've only just met," Lomadia pointed out.

"Ja, vell, ve can't afford to get divided. If not us, who vill deal mit Ĕħîøłþĵæç?" asked Teep.

"Fair point," conceded Rythian and Lomadia at the same time. They looked at each other in shock. Then Lomadia giggled, and Rythian followed suit, and Lomadia laughed, and Rythian laughed, and soon they were both roaring with laughter like deranged hyenas.

"Hahahahahahahaha!" laughed Rythian.

"Hahahahahahahaha!" agreed Lomadia.

"Hahahahahahahaha!" laughed Zoeya, getting into the swing of things.

"Hahahahahahahaha!" laughed Norbert.

"Hahahahahahahaha!" laughed Nilesy.

"So childish…" sighed Teep.

"The king will now receive you," declared a mushroom courtier, striding purposefully out of the gate.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" replied the visitors.

"What's so funny?" asked the courtier, flaring her gills in confusion. (It's what mushrooms do. Don't ask.)

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"This is no laughing matter!" the courtier said angrily.

"HAHAHA-" they paused for air, "HAHAHAHAHA!"

"Stop it!" demanded the courtier.

"I'll take care of this, Linda," offered a particularly large and imposing mushroom dressed in spiked armour.

"QUIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!" he roared.

"Hahaha- um… yes?" said Rythian.

"The king is ready to give you an audience," replied the large mushroom.

"Oh. Right," said Rythian, shuffling his feet.

"Let us now see him, then," suggested Lomadia.

"Good idea," said Zoeya, smoothing her bright red hair down.

"In your own time," said the mushroom known as Linda.

* * *

The great hall of Caer Mycelia, as the mushroom king's castle was known, was enormous. The mushrooms were at least twice the size of humans, and their outfits made them even larger. The royal guards had helmets the size of garden chairs, and the throne was so tall the king's crown almost touched the ceiling. The mushrooms were also fond of baroque architecture, which Zoeya absolutely hated, but she was wise enough to voice her opinions diplomatically.

"I love your baroque architecture!" she lied.

"How dare you speak to His Majesty in such a familiar way?!" roared the high priest. "On your knees, you useless worm, and-"

"Shut up," interrupted the king, a tall, imposing mushroom coloured crimson with purple spots and golden gills.

"So, you need to borrow my sword?" he asked.

"That's the long and short of it, Your Majesty. Do you know the password to Theodora's tomb?" asked Rythian.

"I forgot it," replied the king.

"But your daughter knows it?" asked Teep.

"How dare you refer to Her Royal Highness Natalia Chitinheart the First as 'your daughter'?! Kneel before me- I mean the king- and beg for your miserable lives!" ordered the high priest.

"Shut up!" repeated the king. "Yes, my daughter knows the password, but she was imprisoned in a dragon-guarded tower ten years ago, and we've never seen her since."

"This happens to princesses much too often nowadays," commented Linda.

"Where is this tower?" asked Rythian. "Your majesty," he added, giving the high priest a friendly wink, which was ignored magnificently.

"In the Valley of Doom, at the far northern edge of the Wastelands of Doom, beyond the Canyon of Doom," replied the king.

"Oh. There's doom involved, I take it," said Lomadia.

"I know!" wailed the king. "My poor, dear daughter! Doomed!"

"Fear not, Your Majesty," said Rythian in a loud, dramatic voice, "we shall return your daughter to you. I swear, here and now, though fiery trials may beckon, we shall return unto you your daughter, and though we walk into the valley of the shadow of death, we shall fear no evil, for His…"

"Again?!" cried Norbert.

"He needs more sleep," suggested Lomadia.

"How dare he perform a dramatic monologue without my- I mean, without the king's permission? I have a mind to-"

"SHUT UP!" chorused Zoeya, Lomadia, Teep, Norbert and Nilesy.

"…An hour of wolves and shattered shields, but it is not this day! This day, we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, men of the west!" finished Rythian.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" he asked.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note**

During this chapter, I use a literary technique I invented myself: having dialogue interrupt my descriptive text. This probably isn't such a good idea in more serious works, but I'm pretty sure it's fine here.

Nobody exactly owns the phrase "You shall not pass!", but nevertheless, I apologise to J.R.R. Tolkein and Peter Jackson.

On with the story!

**Chapter 7: The Canyon of Doom**

As the Sun rose once more over the Mushroom Realm, the Millennium Toucan set sail (and jet engine) off over the autumnal forest. The mushrooms gave them such a farewell party as befits a group of people endeavouring to defeat a demon whose mere existence endangers the entire universe (although the food was exclusively vegetarian), and the party of six and one Animated chest were in high spirits.

"Woohoo!" yelled Zoeya, spreading her arms out like wings at the prow of the Toucan, exalting in the cool, enlivening embrace of the wind.

"Woohoo!" agreed Lomadia and Nilesy, who were her wing(wo)men.

"How childish…" commented Rythian. "At least you two have some sense," he added, glancing up from his book ("Why Technology is Evil and I Hate It", by Ima Luddite) at Teep and Norbert.

"I'm a helicopter!" declared Teep, holding a ceiling fan above his head.

"Good for you," said Norbert. Rythian sighed heavily.

"Um, don't you think those mountains are getting a little close?" asked Zoeya, lowering one arm to gesture at the forbidding grey crags looming up out of the earth in front of the Toucan.

"Oh, BEEP! You're right!" cried Lomadia, rushing off to the airship's controls, which was on top of the rear cabin.

Zoeya and Nilesy stood stock still, paralysed with fear as the towering wall of life-threateningly solid rock drew steadily closer to the Toucan, then sighed with relief as the wall grew shorter and the sky replaced it as the centre of their trajectory.

Nilesy was so relieved he fell backwards in delirious ecstasy, while Zoeya proclaimed to the world at large how glad she was to be alive. Life was g-

"Oi! Stop daydreaming!" shouted Lomadia.

* * *

For several hours, the Toucan flew over the mountains between the Mushroom Realm and the Wastelands of Doom. The mountains got steadily higher, and it was windy up there, so the entire party was needed to keep the sails in check. Unfortunately, most of them needed to sleep, so the Toucan hovered in place for a while at night while Norbert kept watch.

The next morning brought with it a light snow flurry, whitening the deck and giving Zoeya and Norbert an opportunity for a snowball fight. Norbert won, because he could conjure snowballs out of thin air, whereas Zoeya had to stop to make them. On a lighter note, however, her wellies kept her feet perfectly dry.

The snow soon went away, and the Toucan made good progress now that the mountains had levelled out a bit. There were still pointy bits, but their average altitudes were on a flat plane for the present, so all the airship had to do was weave between them and occasionally fly over a grove of hardy fir trees. The sun was shining, the mountain goats were singing, and it seemed like a perfect day…

* * *

"HARD LEFT! HARD LEFT!" screamed Lomadia, over the roaring, whooshing wind of the blizzard.

"WHAT?!" replied Rythian, his voice slightly muffled by his scarf and facemask.

"TURN LEFT!" shouted Lomadia.

"COME ON, ZOEYA! WE'RE TURNING LEFT!" shouted Rythian. He stood carefully up from the sturdy wooden bench (which was nailed to the deck) and he and Zoeya helped each other through the roaring, lashing, snow-filled wind to the main mast, slipping and sliding in the snow that had already fallen, dimly aware of Nilesy, Norbert and Teep making for the other sail.

Rythian and Zoeya worked together to manipulate the sail's ropes, fighting against the force of the wind to rotate it. In spite of its jet engines and bottom-mounted propellers, the Millennium Toucan could only steer with its sails, so they had to move fast. Eventually they relaxed, proud of a job wel-

"RIGHT! TURN RIGHT!" shouted Lomadia.

"For crying out loud!" protested Rythian, but it was lost to the wind.

"RIGHT, RIGHT?!" asked Zoeya.

"RIGHT!" confirmed Rythian.

"RIGHT YOU ARE!" shouted Zoeya, getting to work.

"Right, then," said Rythian to himself, following her example. They were almost finished, when:

"LEFT! TURN LEFT! QUICK!" ordered Lomadia. Rythian swore. Zoeya turned bright red (although that may have just been because of the wind's friction), and the two of them moved the sail for a third time.

Suddenly, lightning flashed past, lighting up the snow-blasted airship like a nightclub in a power surge.

"Eek!" cried Zoeya, throwing her arms around Rythian.

"Aaaargh!" agreed Rythian, throwing his arms around Zoeya.

There was a pause.

"IS THAT IT?!" asked Zoeya, still shouting above the noise of the snowstorm.

"I THINK SO!" replied Rythian. "DON'T TELL ANYONE I THREW MY ARMS AROUND YOU!" he added.

"WHY NOT?! ARE YOU LETTING YOURSELF GET RESTRICTED BY OLD-FASHIONED, LIMITING AND COMPLETELY POINTLESS IDEALS OF MASCULINITY?!" asked Zoeya.

"WHAT?!" replied Rythian.

"DOESN'T MATTER!" said Zoeya breezily. "NO ELEMENTALS, THEN?!"

"NONE AT ALL!" Rythian assured her.

Then a particularly heavy cloud bank drew up alongside the Toucan, matching its speed and direction. Voices and flashes of light could be heard and seen from within.

"WELL, PROBABLY NONE..." said Rythian uncertainly.

"Glory to the Lightning Elementals, and a thousand unspeakable torments to our enemies!" shouted a Lightning Elemental, leaping aboard the Toucan from out of the cloud, brandishing a long curved doublesword.

"I STAND CORRECTED!" shouted Rythian, absentmindedly vaporising the Elemental.

"Glory to the Lightning Elementals, and a thousand unspeakable torments to our enemies!" repeated a loud chorus of voices, audible even over the raging wind, and at least twenty Lightning Elementals leapt out from a dense storm cloud next to the Toucan, brandishing a wide assortment of vicious-looking weapons. They quickly formed a double line at the left side of the airship.

"OH, LUMME!" cried Zoeya, running a quick mental calculation and realising that two against at least twenty was not good odds.

"I CONCUR!" agreed Rythian. "LOMADIA, STOP THE SHIP! WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO STEER!"

"WAY AHEAD OF YOU!" replied Lomadia, rushing down from the controls with her nano-saber in hand. And indeed, the Toucan felt still, having come to a complete halt.

"GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US!" said Rythian, readying his Red Katar, while Zoeya brought her pickaxe and laser gun to bear.

"COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU'RE HARD ENOUGH!" Lomadia invited the Elementals, waving her nano-saber threateningly.

There was an awkward silence.

"Are we hard enough?" asked an Elemental, not needing to shout because his kind had sensitive hearing.

"Of course we are!" replied another.

"Only, they look kind of… deadly…"

"Don't be ridiculous! We're the deadly ones!"

By now, some rather subversive mutterings were arising from the other Elementals.

"Come on!" ordered the second Elemental, gesturing towards Rythian, Lomadia and Zoeya, who were getting rather bored by now.

"What's my motivation?" asked the Elemental who had spoken first.

"If you don't attack that lot, I'll have every one of you roasted over a slow fire and fed to a dragon," reasoned the second Elemental.

"All right," grumbled the Elementals. "Death or glory, or whatever…"

They charged unenthusiastically towards their enemies, and they were right to; Rythian's katar, Lomadia's nano-saber and Zoeya's pickaxe hacked through their armour like scissors through wet cardboard, and the deck was slippery with snow, which Lightning Elementals aren't used to.

The fight was short and brutal, lasting only a few minutes, during which several Elementals died and the rest jumped off the airship. Rythian, Zoeya and Lomadia celebrated afterwards in their own preferred ways: Zoeya jumped for joy, Lomadia shouted "Woohoo!" and other such happy exclamations, and Rythian absorbed the magic lingering around the dead Elementals to boost his own strength.

They soon discovered that Norbert, Nilesy and Teep had held off another group of Elementals at the front of the airship, with only a cut on Nilesy's arm to show for it. Zoeya carefully healed it with magic.

* * *

"So," said Lomadia in an official sort of way, seated at the table in the Toucan's main cabin with the other five.

"We've defeated the Elementals," Nilesy summed up

"And I healed his arm," Zoeya added.

"Shall we get on with the journey, then?" suggested Rythian.

"The weather's much better now," Norbert commented, and indeed the blizzard had diminished to a light rain.

"We probably should, but there's a slight fuel issue," Lomadia informed them in the nervous manner of someone breaking bad news. Teep, who had a lot of previous adventuring experience, put his head in his hands.

"Oh. What sort of fuel issue?" asked Rythian carefully.

"We don't have much," replied Lomadia reservedly.

"How not much?" enquired Rythian, over a burgeoning nervous hubbub.

"Not enough for the return journey. We might get past the Canyon of Doom, but after that, we're going on foot," replied Lomadia grimly.

"But the tank was full when we left," Zoeya pointed out.

"Well, the forcefield drains a lot of power," Lomadia explained.

"Forcefield?!" cried Teep, removing his head from his hands and staring at Lomadia in amazement.

"Isn't that science?" said Rythian suspiciously.

"Yes, we have a forcefield. Why else would the Elementals have left us alone up until now?" replied Lomadia. "I couldn't leave it on, what with the snow," she added.

"Vell, isn't zat just great!" said Teep sarcastically.

"I told her tae bring some spare fuel, but no…" moaned Nilesy.

"For that matter, how do we land?" asked Zoeya.

There was a long, awkward pause. Nilesy glared at Lomadia, who took a sudden interest her shoes. If you're interested, they were slightly dirty white trainers.

"We had a couple of landing gantries back home…" said Lomadia, in a small voice. There was another long silence as this information sank in, then Zoeya spoke.

"Don't worry," she said cheerily, "Rythian'll think of something."

"I will?!" cried Rythian incredulously.

"Or maybe Teep will…" contemplated Zoeya.

"Um…" said Teep.

"Helga?" asked Zoeya, a trace of worry creeping into her voice.

Helga remained silent.

"I don't suppose Norbert has an idea?" suggested Zoeya, without much hope.

"No," replied Norbert.

"Oh, well… I'd better think of one," sighed Zoeya.

"I'll make ze funeral arrangements," offered Teep.

Zoeya spent the next few minutes in fierce cogitation. Then she spoke.

"I have it!" Zoeya declared.

"Brilliant!" rejoiced Nilesy.

"Oh, it's perfectly simple, really," said Zoeya modestly. "We just Transmute a few scaffolding components and a rope ladder, climb off the airship, erect the scaffolding under it, turn off the engines, and see about getting some more airship fuel," she said, as if she was explaining something like how to make a boiled egg. Everybody gaped at her.

"Now that," declared Norbert after a few seconds, "is what I call an idea!"

"It'll never work, what with the winds at this altitude," Rythian pointed out.

"Oh. Won't it?" asked Zoeya disappointedly.

"Dinnae worry, though," Nilesy interjected. "I have a better idea."

"Well, don't just stand there like a lump in a bog," said Zoeya, who had a bit of trouble with idioms. "Tell us!"

"Well, ye know Archimedes's Principle? Well, if he was right, it follows that…" began Nilesy.

Some time later:

"…And, providing the trouser press doesnae fall off, the airship should be able tae stay in midair for as long as we need," finished Nilesy a few minutes later.

"Wow!" said Zoeya, in awed perplexion.

"It's a good idea, but where will we get the exploding pineapples and the false beard?" asked Rythian.

"We can Transmute them," suggested Zoeya.

"That could do for the pineapples, but not the beard," replied Rythian.

"Actually, I've got a false beard," said Lomadia, taking a long, bushy, brown false beard out of the Ethereal Storage Realm and putting it on.

"Brilliant!" exclaimed Nilesy.

"The beard suits you," Norbert commented. "But what about the pumpkin?"

He was suddenly aware of five pairs of eyes and one storage chest focusing all their attention on him.

"What? Why are you… oh. No. No way!" he said firmly, holding his pumpkin-head firmly against his neck.

"We'll only need it until the giant fishing net's propped up," reasoned Zoeya.

"No! Absolutely not!" replied Norbert obstinately. "There is no way you're going to remove my head! It's very precious to me!"

"Honestly, he's being so selfish…" sighed Rythian, deciding in that instant Norbert needed taking down a peg. "You'll give us your head and like it!" he ordered.

"NEVER!" shouted Norbert, leaping to his feet and preparing some snowballs.

"Haven't you heard of altruism? Heroic sacrifices? Honour?!" demanded Lomadia, tactfully confiscating the snowballs.

"I've heard of them, but I'm not doing them," replied Norbert.

"Now now, let's not lose our heads," said Teep calmly. "Couldn't ve Transmute another pumpkin as vell?"

"That would be trivialising magic," replied Rythian primly.

"Does anyone care?" asked Teep.

"No," replied Lomadia.

"I don't," replied Norbert.

"Nor do I," replied Nilesy.

"Well, I care," said Zoeya loyally. "But I suppose we're outvoted…"

"That's settled, then," said Lomadia, with an air of finality.

"No it isn't!" protested Rythian, not one to give up easily. "If you think I'll create a pumpkin out of magic when there's a perfectly good one on Norbert's neck, you've got another think coming!"

Nilesy leapt bravely to his friend's defence.

"FER GOD'S SAKE, WE'VE BEEN TALKIN' FER HOURS! IF WE WANT TAE BE ABLE TAE MAKE A SAFE LANDING AT ALL, WE'LL NEED TAE GET CRACKING, SO JIST SHUT UP AND LET'S GET A BLOODY MOVE ON!" raged Nilesy, causing Zoeya to fall off her chair in shock.

Rythian blinked a few times.

"Thou shalt now eat chicken salad!" he said vacantly, and he fainted.

* * *

The day was just drawing to a close when the Millennium Toucan and its motley crew arrived in the Wastelands of Doom. The mountains gave way to a sudden, craggy cliff before a dry, dusty, black-and-grey plain, dotted with dead trees and dying grass. The sky was dark red, the water a sickly green laden with little floating thingies, and formations of bare rocks dotted the land.

This terrain went on for some time until the Canyon of Doom, a massive chasm cutting down to the very bowels of the Earth. It stretched for miles to either side of the airship approaching it, which was forced to land before crossing it. If it ran out of fuel above the canyon, there was no telling what might happen…

Nilesy's plan for supporting the airship while leaving enough room for its propellers to propel it back up again in future was deceptively simple. Basically, they piled stuff up under the Toucan and did a lot of very complicated stuff with quantum physics to make sure it didn't fall over. Norbert was eventually persuaded to part with his head after Lomadia made him a prosthetic one out of modelling clay, getting herself almost as mucky as Strawberry in the process, and all was well.

Having checked that the Toucan was stable, the party of six (and one storage chest) set off to the Valley of Doom, a small flat bit between six mountains. They were tall, sharp, savage-looking affairs with some rather dingy-looking snow on top, and in between them was a tower. However, before the valley was a rather more pressing issue:

"So," said Zoeya, "as I see it, the more pressing issue is this: Do we go to the bridge way over there, or find some other way over?"

She and the six others were standing at the edge of the Canyon of Doom, which was a lot deeper and wider than it looked from the air. It was like a wide, craggy mouth ready and waiting to devour the sky, and all those foolish enough to try and circumvent its deadly teeth. The only bridge was a few miles along the edge, and there seemed to be mudflats between it and the sword-finders.

"Pershonally, I'd rather rishk the mudflatsh," said Norbert, slurring his words because he wasn't really used to his prosthetic head. The tongue was too big, his teeth kept crumbling, and his eyes were crossed, not to mention the brain...

"It wouldn't make that much difference for me," agreed Lomadia, looking ruefully at the splatters of clay all over her matching blue clothes.

"Or," suggested Rythian, "we could use some of the wood from the dead trees to make a new bridge."

"Zat's vhat I'd do," concurred Teep.

"Let's give it a try," said Nilesy, heading over to a dark, sickly-looking tree, which had probably been dead for years. It crumbled to ash as soon as he touched it.

"Okay… maybe a live tree," he said calmly, heading over to another tree, which still had a few leaves. It didn't crumble to dust, but it had about as much strength as cardboard, and Nilesy was easily able to snap the trunk in two.

Nilesy stumped back over to the canyon in high dudgeon. "It willnae work," he said sadly. "The trees here are like paper."

The six friends and one storage chest shared a moment of silent contemplation.

"What if Lomadia, Zoeya and me carried the others over?" suggested Rythian.

"That might work," agreed Zoeya.

"We'll need to be careful, though. This is the Canyon of Doom," Lomadia pointed out. "It could be defended by ancient curses and stuff."

"I'll tosh thish shtone over and shee what happensh," offered Norbert, picking up a small pebble and throwing it over the canyon. It burst into garish violet flame about halfway through, and within a few seconds there was nothing left of it.

"Let's take the bridge," said Rythian after a few seconds.

"I agree," agreed Nilesy.

"Me too," said Lomadia.

"Me three," said Zoeya.

"Me four," said Norbert.

"And I," said Teep.

Helga raised her lid in an agreeing manner.

* * *

Some tentative investigation by Teep proved that the mudflats were like thick brown glue with a vacuum pump underneath, so the party were forced to take the long route around them, and by the time they reached the bridge night was falling. The bridge was a simple rope-and-plank affair half rotten and barely able to support anyone, but it was too late to turn back, so Rythian led the way across. Squaring his shoulders, the mage stepped tentatively onto the bridge. No terrible fiends from before the dawn of time arose from the depths to devour him, and the bridge remained intact, so the others thought it safe to follow. The last (Lomadia) had just stepped onto the other side of the canyon, when:

"Tremble, brief mortals, for I am Bazrokoth, Guardian of the Dark Tower!" came a deep, booming voice, and a hulking great beast materialised before them. Bazrokoth stood eight metres tall, his ridged, stony skin protected by spiky steel armour stained with blood. Both his heads wore tall plumed helmets with visors raised, and he held a vicious flaming scimitar in each hand.

"Pleased to meet you, Bazrokoth. I'm Zoeya," said Zoeya, extending a warm, friendly hand.

Bazrokoth blinked. Rythian face-palmed.

"This is Rythian," continued Zoeya, "and these are Nilesy, Lomadia, Teep, Norbert and Helga."

"Nice to meet you, chaps. If you'd just like to step this way, I'll…"

Bazrokoth paused, replaying the last few sentences in his minds.

"Think you're clever, do you?" he said, using both of his mouths simultaneously. "Well, you don't fool me! Prepare to die!"

The massive demon raised a scimitar and brought it down on Rythian, who only just managed to get out of the way. Teep loosed a volley of arrows at Bazrokoth, but they barely dented his skin. Bazrokoth retaliated by breathing out two roaring columns of flame, which by lucky chance passed either side of Teep. Zoeya, Nilesy and Lomadia drew their weapons and set about maiming Bazrokoth's legs, nimbly dodging his blades and inflicting a fair bit of damage, while Norbert blinded him with snowballs and Rythian morning-starred him in the head.

Under their combined onslaught, Bazrokoth soon fell. Then he stood up again and sent all of his assailants flying away with a blast of dark magic.

"Aaaargh!" wailed Zoeya, flying into a boulder.

"Oh, God!" screamed Nilesy, rolling head-over-heels across the dusty ground.

"Bazrokoth, you BEEP!" shouted Rythian, only just arresting his fall.

"What he shaid…" groaned Norbert, lying in a heap beside the canyon.

"Only one thing for it. We'll have to lure him to his death in the canyon," suggested Lomadia bravely.

"Leave it to me," agreed Rythian, flying over to the canyon. "Come and get me, you git!" he shouted.

"And me!" shouted Lomadia, flying up to join him and sticking her tongue out at Bazrokoth.

Bazrokoth looked nervously over the edge of the canyon, and at the flimsy bridge barely wide enough for one of his feet.

"I'm not sure…" he said.

"Oh, come on, you big girl's blouse!" Lomadia invited him.

"I'd rather not," replied Bazrokoth.

"Get over there or else," Zoeya threatened him.

"Or else what?" demanded the massive, two-headed demon clad in spiky armour and holding two flaming scimitars.

"Um…" squeaked Zoeya.

"Or else zis!" shouted Teep, leaping high into the air and throwing Helga at Bazrokoth. The black storage chest opened its lid in flight and managed to engulf the demon's left head.

"Gerroff!" cried Bazrokoth, cleaving Helga in twain with his scimitar.

"Ow…" said Bazrokoth's left head plaintively, gently removing Helga's remains.

"There'sh plenty more where that came from!" said Norbert bravely.

"Shut up, you fatheads! I hate you! I hate everything! GAAAARGH!" roared Bazrokoth, flailing wildly around with his scimitars and almost batting Lomadia out of the sky. Then the shedloads of stuff inside Helga finally decided to return to their full size, bursting out of the twisted black metal and enlarging like balloons in a very thin atmosphere. A humungous heap of stuff in all shapes, sizes and colours formed in a matter of seconds, shoving Bazrokoth backwards into the Canyon of Doom. He fell slowly but inexorably, screaming like only someone with two heads and an enormous lung capacity can.

Then a massive leathery helicopter rotor unfurled from his back, all four blades sweeping through the air with the strength and inertia of glaciers, blotting out the four bits of sky that happened to be behind them. Slowly but surely, Bazrokoth flew upwards, out of the canyon.

"Oh, no you don't," said Rythian calmly, placing his foot on Bazrokoth's undamaged right head and bringing the giant demon to a jarring halt.

"Get out of my way, you fool!" demanded Bazrokoth, giving his rotor some more welly.

"As if I would!" replied Rythian, pushing back down with even more welly.

"Don't make me angry, you pathetic mortal!" Bazrokoth warned Rythian, sending his scimitars up in wild, sweeping arcs to get Rythian out of the way.

"I am Rythian Hellstrand, son of Kelizor, lord of Blackrock Stronghold and vanquisher of the Queen of the End! No demon has ever bested me, and nor will you. YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" roared Rythian, pushing down with enough welly for a pair of chest waders.

"Shall too!" countered Bazrokoth.

"Shall not!" argued Rythian.

"Shall too!" repeated Bazrokoth.

"Shall not!" continued Rythian.

"Shall too!" said Bazrokoth.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" exclaimed Lomadia, flying down with her nano-saber at full power. She methodically severed the tough leathery flesh of Bazrokoth's rotor blades until he was left with only a fast rotating stump, then grabbed Rythian and flew away at full tilt, pursued by a stream of vengeful fire.

Lomadia, Rythian and all the others waited beside the canyon for several minutes before hearing the distant thump of Bazrokoth hitting bedrock. It was a while before anyone spoke.

"That," said Zoeya emphatically, "that," she repeated, getting the inflection just right, "now, _that_," she said for the third time, building up for an impressive speech, "was awesome! The way you, like… I mean, woohoo! Let's do it again!"

"You go ahead," said Rythian. "The rest of us, however, have more pressing issues to contend with."

"Like what?" asked Zoeya.

"The mushroom princess, the Sword of the Mushroom King, Theodora's tomb, Ĕħîøłþĵæç, getting more fuel for the Toucan…" listed Lomadia.

"A dragon!" cried Teep.

"Yes, why not one of them, too?"

"No, a dragon! Look!" insisted Teep, pointing to a distant winged shape silhouetted against what little of the Sun was still above the horizon. It had an air of inevitable largeness about it, not to mention a sort of spiky quality, and it was coming inexorably towards the party of six (and one ex-storage chest) at the entrance to the Valley of Doom.

"Oh, shucks!" shouted Lomadia, although she may not actually have said those exact words, particularly the second one.

"Well, the tower is supposed to be dragon-guarded," reasoned Zoeya.

"In tha' case, the dragon's been neglecting it's duty," Nilesy pointed out.

"Can I never get a moment's peace?!" despaired Rythian.

The dragon flew closer, its leathery wings, dark green scales, razor-sharp spines and massive teeth coming into sharp, terrifying focus. It landed hard, gouging great lines out of the compacted earth, stood up on its hind legs and roared out a great column of flame into the sky.

At this extension, the tip of its snout was barely knee-high.

"Aww! Isn't it just the cutest thing ever?!" squealed Zoeya.

The dragon methodically sunk its fangs deep into her leg.

"Ow! Gerroff!" cried Zoeya, hastily reconsidering her last statement.

"Shan't," replied the dragon, its voice muffled by Zoeya's leg. Teep loosed an arrow into its flank, to Zoeya's delight, and then to her dismay as rigor mortis set in and its jaws remained firmly clamped around her calf.

"If you've quite finished…" said Rythian heavily.

"We're not," Lomadia informed him.

"Jist got tae remove this dragon. Come on, you!" growled Nilesy, prising apart the miniature dragon's jaws and pressing his handkerchief over the puncture wounds. Zoeya was so delighted to have her leg free that she kissed him (which upset Rythian, amused Lomadia and embarrassed Nilesy in equal amounts), before trying to shake off the pins-and-needles in her foot.

"Finished!" called Lomadia, after they had made sure Zoeya was all right and given the dragon a decent burial.

"Off ve go, zen," said Teep matter-of-factly, starting towards the tower.

Rythian saw a small, flat boulder, approved of it, and adopted a dramatic pose, with one foot on the boulder and his Red Katar held aloft.

"To the tower!" he declared, and strode onwards to his destiny before tripping over a small crack in the ground.

"Nobody laugh!" he ordered, brushing himself down before striding haughtily off and tripping over a small stone.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note**

This chapter may well begin a little differently that normal, but I assure you, it's basically the same as any other chapter.

It is at about this time that I began to emphasize the fact that Lomadia is, fundamentally speaking, a tough, foul-mouthed tomboy, a character trait I may have been neglecting during previous chapters.

Referring to Angela as the Flame of the West is, of course, another reference to the Lord of the Rings. I don't own it, of course, nor do I claim to.

Now, as I so often say, on with the story!

**Chapter 8: Counting the Terrors**

"Honestly, can nothing in this adventure go to plan?!" complained Rythian, pouring his aggression into dangerously hard footfalls on the ancient, cracked stone bricks making up the stairs of the Dark Tower in the Valley of Doom.

"Well, how were we to know she was dead?" protested Zoeya, as she and Teep lugged the vaguely umbrella-shaped skeleton of the former mushroom princess down the stairs.

"It's not your fault, it's just nothing ever goes right!" continued Rythian.

"That's not true. The fight with Bazrokoth went swimmingly," Lomadia pointed out.

"I think we're missing an important issue, though," declared Nilesy. "How'll we get intae Theodora's tomb wi'oot the password?"

"We'll think of a way," Lomadia assured him.

The tower was a mile high, so climbing down took a long time, during which the party played I-Spy until they had exhausted every possible word for stairs, walls, windows and ceiling. At that point, Nilesy had the rather unfortunate idea of singing some campfire songs. By the time Zoeya had reached the fourth verse of Roll Out the Barrel, the entire party was feeling suicidal, but then Lomadia had the bright idea of telling a story. It was set in an alternative history and chronicled the adventures of Genevieve, a Swedish warrior-princess.

Lomadia's storytelling raised everybody's spirits once more, so they left the Dark Tower happily, making good time over the bridge and back to the Millennium Toucan. Some careful investigation revealed a stowaway Lightning Elemental in the cargo hold, and he was soon put to work making electricity to power the airship's engines in exchange for Teep not biting his arms off. The sails were raised, the anchor was hauled, the timbers were shivered and Norbert's head was put back, and the Toucan set off once more into the great blue beret of the Earth. That's the sky, just so you know.

The Sun shone brightly above the mountains beyond the Mushroom Realm, and there was no danger of any more snowstorms. However, Norbert had to hide among the coolant tanks for a while, and by the time the group were near the Desert of a Thousand Terrors (after dropping off the princess's skeleton, of course, and telling the high priest to shut up), everyone had joined him, apart from Zoeya. And thus, alone in the Toucan's engineering room, Zoeya was the first to see it.

* * *

Before she saw it, Zoeya was busy rebuilding Helga. She had given the stricken storage chest some proper legs made out of the same black metal as her body, and a new brain made from computer components. She had not quite managed the internal volume compression factor of the original Helga, but when weighed up against the new benefits, it was worth it. Helga could now walk, climb, jump, fight, and even darn socks, on top of her usual stuff-carrying capabilities.

The new Helga also had a voice. Zoeya hadn't yet tested her much, but Helga could speak much like any other person, albeit with an unusual syntax, and to symbolise this change, Zoeya had renamed the storage chest. She was now Angela, Flame of the West, the queen of all storage devices! She even had her own epic ballad, penned by Zoey:

" _Some say she came from the West, walking wild and free,_

_Some say from the East, as mighty as the sea;_

_But we all know how great this storage chest could be,_

_Helga the Brave, which I can't rhyme with ee._

_Alas! She fell duelling Bazrokoth,_

_A victim of his terrible wroth,_

_But she gave not her life in vain,_

_Helga the Brave will rise again._

_From the ashes a fire shall be woken,_

_The chest will now be unbroken;_

_And though nay-sayers think I'm jokin',_

_I don't care what they have spoken._

_From the shards of Helga will be made_

_One whose passage can be not delayed;_

_Her name is Angela, Flame of the West,_

_Never will there be a greater storage chest. _"

Zoeya tried to look proud and noble, but soon collapsed into a fit of giggles. Then she became aware of a distant sound, barely audible over the noises of an airship in full working order. A sort of whooshing roar, like the wind, only louder.

Curious, Zoeya made her way to a viewport and couldn't believe her eyes. The reddish-brown desert sky was filling up with swirling sandy dust, and the roar of the wind could be heard even over the whirring of the Toucan's engines and the snoring of the exhausted Lightning Elemental.

"Aaargh! It's a sandstorm! Run for your lives!" wailed Zoeya.

" +++ Command "Run for your lives!" not recognized +++ " said Angela, who looked much like the original Helga, but for the wires, the computer screen, and her new hydraulic techno-magical legs.

Zoeya sighed. "For crying out loud, just run, you twit!" she ordered.

" +++ Hurt feelings error +++

+++ Initiate emergency shutdown +++ " said Angela. Zoeya swore inventively.

"_I should've listened to Rythian. What kind of storage chest needs a computer?!_" thought Zoeya, as she laboriously carried Angela to the small, pipe-filled room which held the Toucan's coolant tanks.

When she finally arrived, it was to see her five companions lolling around in the cool like Roman emperors, but thankfully without anyone feeding them grapes.

"Ah, Zoeya! Come to join us?" asked Rythian.

"There'sasandstormandwe'reflyingrightintoitandIcan 'tsteertheairshiponmyownsocomeandhelpmeyoulazylump s!" Zoeya informed them.

"What?" asked Nilesy.

"There'sasandstormandwe'reflyingrightintoitandIcan 'tsteertheairshiponmyownsocomeandhelpmeyoulazylump s!" repeated Zoeya.

"No, sorry, didn't get a word of that," said Lomadia.

"Try talking more slowly," proposed Rythian unhelpfully.

"That's what I always do," agreed Lomadia even less helpfully.

"Oh, for pity's sake! There… is… a… sandstorm… and… we… are… flying… towards… it… and… I… can't… steer… the… airship… on… my… own… so… come… and… help… me… you… lazy… lumps," enunciated Zoeya.

"What did you call me?!" cried Lomadia.

"Oh, my God!" exclaimed Rythian. "Come on!" he added, grabbing Lomadia and Teep by the arms and setting off to the deck.

"That's more like it! Come along, you two," invited Zoeya, doing the same with Norbert and Teep.

Meanwhile, Helga was busy interfacing herself with the Toucan's onboard computer…

* * *

Stinging dust whipped and swirled around the Toucan, biting into the crew's flesh, but glancing harmlessly off Teep's scales. The wind buffeted the sails, making the airship rock and swerve like a drunken whale, and Lomadia realised that they had to land.

"We have to land before the storm smashes us to pieces!" realised Lomadia.

"How?! I'm not taking off my head in this weather!" demanded Norbert.

"We'll think of something," said Lomadia vaguely, steering the airship downwards.

"Oh, will we? And what if we don't, eh?" asked Rythian, who had never been more glad to have a facemask.

"In that case, we all die long, slow, painful deaths," said Lomadia matter-of-factly, "but this story still has plenty more chapters to go, so that won't happen."

"Oh, brilliant! That's really cheered me up, that has," lied Rythian.

* * *

Though the sandstorm whirled and tossed it, the Toucan, aided by gravity, made good progress towards the ground, and soon it was all Lomadia could do to stop it from crashing. The storm raged, and good ideas were desperately needed.

"What can we do?! Come on, people, ideas!" demanded Rythian. True to form, he was strutting manfully about in front of a blackboard with his sleeves rolled up, gesticulating wildly with chalk in hand.

"I could do something, actually," offered Zoeya. "It's a magic spell I invented myself."

"Oho! Do go on," Teep invited her.

"What it does is re-shape the ground. I was thinking I could make a set of pillars and we could balance the Toucan on them, and use the anchor to make sure it doesn't blow off," explained Zoeya.

"Don't be silly..." sighed Rythian.

"Do you have a better idea?" retorted Zoeya.

"Well…" pondered Rythian, "not as such."

"That's settled, then," declared Zoeya, rushing off to the best place on the Toucan for ground-reshaping.

"Hey, wait a minute!" called Rythian, but Zoeya was in too much of a hurry to hear him.

* * *

Zoeya planted her feet at the side of the Toucan, preparing herself to do a great work of magic. True, she had a few niggling doubts about the sheer impossibility of her monumental task, but since when did that ever matter?

Zoeya took a deep breath. "Come to me, o spirits of sand and rock! Let thy forms be as free and malleable as the air!" she commanded, pouring all her strength into the desert sand. With a tremendous effort, she raised three pillars of sand into the air, each with a groove in the top just the right size for the Toucan's hull.

"Ye've got tae hand it tae her, that's some top-quality ground-reshaping!" Nilesy observed, arriving with Rythian, Teep, Lomadia and Norbert a safe distance behind Zoeya.

"O spirits of sand and rock, thy work is done; let thy forms be as the mountains, mighty and unshakeable, especially by sandstorms!" commanded Zoeya, and the sand pillars obeyed.

Zoeya looked on in pride, but her face was pale and haggard from the effort, and her muscles were going floppy. Slowly, she fell backwards into Rythian's arms …

* * *

"Uuurgh…" groaned Zoeya. "What happened?"

"What do you mean, 'what happened'? It's only been five minutes!" replied Lomadia, standing over her with an ice pack, which explained the freezing cold pain in her forehead.

"Oh. Did my plan work?"

"It did, and we're safely on the ground," confirmed Lomadia.

"On the ground?" Zoeya took a look at her surroundings. She was lying on a very itchy grey blanket surrounded by sand, with the sandstorm raging a few metres above her, but relatively calm at ground level. Te three sand pillars stood proud a short distance to her left. Lomadia and Teep were watching over her while Norbert and Nilesy examined a map of the desert, and Rythian kept an eye on the Lightning Elemental, who was encased in ice for safekeeping.

"All right then, are we going or what?" asked Zoeya, getting up from the blanket.

"You just fainted!" protested Lomadia.

"If she wants to be tough and resilient, that's up to her," Rythian pointed out. "Which way's Theodora's tomb?"

"I think it's that way," replied Nilesy, pointing approximately northwest.

"Although we can't be exact," Norbert supplemented.

"Lead the way, then," Rythian invited them.

Nilesy took a careful look at the map and set off in the direction he hoped was best, with the rest of the party following. Zoeya still wasn't feeling her best after her faint, so Rythian helped her along, but they had barely left the landing site when Lomadia remembered something.

"We've forgotten Helga!" she cried.

"Her name's Angela now, actually, and she wasn't really finished, so it's probably for the best," Zoeya reassured her.

"Angela?" repeated Teep.

"But she'll be all alone up there, being buffeted about by the sandstorm!" worried Lomadia.

"All right. Who wants to go back up to the Toucan and bring her down?" asked Norbert.

The other five shuffled their feet nervously, avoiding each other's gazes, apart from Rythian, who knew no fear, and Zoeya, who would gladly have done it, and Teep, who didn't really go in for nervousness, and Nilesy, who couldn't fly anyway, so actually it was only Lomadia who shuffled her feet and avoided the others' gazes.

"Okay, then. Take it away, Nilesy!" said Norbert.

"Take what away?"

"He means 'lead on'," explained Rythian.

"Oh, right. Come on, yous, let's see those leg muscles repeatedly relaxing and contracting!" declared Nilesy, setting off again.

* * *

The six sword-finders trekked at a steady pace over the sea of sweltering sand, facing steep dunes, spiky cacti, quicksand, and a small pack of deranged komodo dragons, until they were all too hot and tired to take another step.

"I'm not taking another step until we've had a breather!" declared Lomadia, who was sweating like an owl sanctuary owner who has just been trekking for hours in the baking desert sun.

"Okay, fine by me," agreed Nilesy, slumping down on a convenient pile of sand.

"Goodnight, all," said Zoeya, removing her trousers and t-shirt to use as blankets, which she lay down on, declaring to the world at large that she didn't plan on moving until the next ice age.

"Zis is ridiculous! Ve've only been going for tventy minutes," complained Teep.

"Well, deserts do take it out of you," said Rythian.

There were a few minutes of silence.

"Zoeya, you do realise you're practically naked, don't you?" asked Norbert, who had melted to half his original size.

"Don't care. 'S too hot for clothes," mumbled Zoeya.

"Well, you don't see me stripping to my waist, do you?" said Rythian archly.

"That's 'cause you're too proud and uptight," suggested Zoeya.

There were a few more minutes of silence. Lomadia took off her owl hat and used it to wipe her forehead.

"Nice weather," commented Nilesy.

"If you're a Fire Elemental," Rythian pointed out.

By now, the Sun was making good progress towards the horizon. In a few minutes it would be setting.

"Why is this place called the Desert of a Thousand Terrors, anyway?" asked Lomadia. "I mean, there were the komodo dragons, but…"

"It's true, this place isn't very terrifying," agreed Rythian.

"Why don't we make a list, then?" suggested Zoeya, sitting up and taking a clipboard and pencil from the Ethereal Storage Realm. "Nilesy, how'd you like to be the record-keeper?"

"I'd love tae!" replied Nilesy enthusiastically, accepting the clipboard.

"I'd say the sandstorm was the first terror, the heat is the second, and those monitor lizards were the third one," said Zoeya.

"Okay," agreed Nilesy, writing them down. "Any more?"

"Not yet," replied Zoeya.

There was another silence, a bit shorter than the last few.

"Nice sunset," commented Norbert, gazing in delight at the glorious melange of blues, yellows, oranges and purples created as the Sun slipped below the horizon.

"Very picturesque," agreed Rythian, and there was yet another silence.

"Um, is anyone feeling a little chilly?" asked Zoeya a few minutes later, slipping her T-shirt back on.

"Chilly?! Have ye gone stark raving mad?" asked Nilesy.

"Actually, that's what deserts do. They're baking hot during the day, but very cold at night," Rythian piped up.

"Really? Can't they make up their minds?" asked Norbert.

"I guess not," replied Rythian. "Here's an idea, though. Why don't we walk at night, when it's not so hot, and sleep during the day?"

"You mean become nocturnal?" asked Lomadia dubiously.

"Only temporarily," Rythian reassured her.

"It makes sense, actually," agreed Zoeya. "Can someone help me do up my belt?" she added.

"I'll help," offered Nilesy.

"No, allow me," offered Rythian, cutting him off.

"No really, I insist," insisted Nilesy.

"If you think I'll just let you touch my girlfriend's hot, sweaty, lithe, supple, utterly gorgeous legs, you've got another thing coming!" declared Rythian.

"What?! I was jist..." protested Nilesy.

"Men!" scoffed Lomadia.

"Humans!" scoffed Teep, who hated sexism, but could be a real hypocrite when it comes to speciesism.

"Mortals!" scoffed the spirit of Queen Theodora IV, watching unseen from behind a cluster of cacti.

"Mushrooms!" scoffed Zoeya, just for the sake of it.

* * *

By the time night had truly fallen, it was freezing cold, and everybody except Norbert was wearing so much woolly clothing they looked like overloaded shop mannequins. Zoeya had decided that the cold nights were the fourth terror, and a small pack of sentient cacti that had tried without success to prang them to death was the fifth terror.

"What aboot the sixth, then?" asked Nilesy.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," replied Zoeya.

"How do ye know it'll be a bridge?" asked Nilesy suspiciously.

"It's just a figure of speech. Honestly, you're so thick and childish and yet strangely endearing!" complained Zoeya.

* * *

The party walked on for several hours, facing countless terrors and counting them anyway. They had just got up to terror no. 284, jets of fire spurting up from cracks in the ground, when Rythian, Lomadia and Teep decided between themselves that it was time to call it a night.

"But it's almost sunrise!" Zoeya pointed out.

Rythian sighed. "It is indeed sunrise, and as soon as that giant ball of nuclear fusion climbs over the horizon, the desert will be hotter than a furnace, so we're going to sleep during the day," he patiently explained for the millionth time.

"Oh, I see," lied Zoeya.

"Where are the tents?" asked Norbert.

There was an awkward silence while everyone's gazes fixed themselves upon Zoeya.

"They might be in Angela…" she said in a small voice.

"Well, isn't that just great(!)" cried Lomadia, throwing her arms up in frustration.

"We could sleep in our clothes. They're practically tents," suggested Nilesy.

"Mff mfflmflflmmg mfmfffl," agreed Teep, through a mouthful of badly positioned scarf.

"What was that?" asked Zoeya.

"Mff mfflmflflmmg mfmfffl!" repeated Teep, a little louder.

"Sorry, I didn't understand any of that," said Zoeya.

Teep bit through the scarf. "I said, 'We could huddle together for warmth as well,'" he explained.

"Sounds good tae me," agreed Nilesy, moving closer to Zoeya. Rythian, who was already worried about the Scotsman's behaviour towards Zoeya, decided he had had enough.

"For pity's sake, Nilesy, will you stop leching over her?!" demanded Rythian.

"What?!" cried Nilesy.

"Okay, I'll say it so you can understand. Hoots, mon, stop eyein' up ma bird or ye'll ne'er be able tae wear a kilt again wi'oot having vivid nightmares!" declared Rythian.

"Eyeing up? I'm sorry, mate, you must be confused. I jist think she looks hot," Nilesy assured him.

"Oh, she looks hot, does she?!" growled Rythian, reaching for his katar.

"Warm! I meant warm! Good for sharing body heat with!" shouted Nilesy, trying to look as non-threatening as possible.

"Oh. Well, then. Just as long as we understand each other," said Rythian, in the confused manner of people fuelled by anger who have suddenly found themselves calming down.

"I could make a fire, if you like," offered Zoeya.

"That'd be nice," accepted Nilesy, and Zoeya busied herself looking for kindling, failing to find any, then conjuring up some Ghostfire. It had an eerie green glow and an inexplicable feeling of non-existence, and it actually radiated coldness, which helped with the glaring Sun.

* * *

The party of six spent a moderately comfortable day in the cold glow of the Ghostfire and the hot glow of the Sun, meaning it was actually completely unnecessary to share body heat. They were up bright and late at the crack of dusk, and made good progress across the desert. As the night drew on, the sand began to slope upwards, and there were a few outcrops of sandstone poking up through the ground. These outcrops grew more and more common, and as day fell, the ground was a solid sandstone plateau. And rising up from it, silhouetted against the rising sun, was a mighty fortress. Its cream-coloured sandstone buttresses rose up like the cliffs of a great sandy ocean, and its towers topped with pointy wooden rooves were as the pillars of the sky.

"Behold Lerohthep, the fortress of the Desert Kings! Long have its mighty walls held out the terrors of the desert, and for a thousand years have the Desert Kings ruled over the Desert of a Thousand Terrors from the palace within," said Rythian dramatically.

"You just made that up," said Lomadia.

"I did not!" protested Rythian, showing Lomadia a book.

" 'In the Land of the Desert Kings, by Jerry Cratchit'?" read Lomadia.

"Very well known for his historical accuracy, is Jerry," Rythian pointed out.

" 'All characters, locations and items portrayed in this book are fictitious, and any resemblance to actual persons, locations and/or items is purely coincidental'," read Lomadia, giving Rythian a smug smile.

Rythian snatched the book from her hands. " 'However, Lerohthep, the Desert Kings and all related things are completely real'," he read, and stuck his tongue out at Lomadia, which is not at all easy to do when you have a face mask. Lomadia opened and closed her mouth several times, realised that it made her look like a fish, and stomped off in a huff.

"Is Theodora's tomb here, then?" asked Zoeya.

"Sort of," replied Rythian. "According to the book, there's a tunnel leading out from the north side of the fortress which is the only way to the place where the tombs are kept."

"Isn't that wonderful? The end's almost in sight!" rejoiced Zoeya.

"It's a bit hot, though," Norbert pointed out.

"True. We'd better get some sleep, then find the sword," suggested Rythian.

"I'll make another Ghostfire, shall I, then?" offered Zoeya, taking her wellies off so her feet could cool down.

"You do that. Teep and I'll scout the perimeter," said Rythian, tapping Teep on the shoulder and gesturing for him to follow.

"Vhat perimiter?" asked Teep.

"Good point, well made," conceded Rythian, laying his cape down on the ground and falling more-or-less instantly asleep.

* * *

Following another crack-of-dusk awakening and a nourishing breakfast of scrambled eggs on toast (they really got their money's worth out of the Ethereal Storage Realm), the party of sword-finders began their exploration of Lerohthep. It was surprisingly well-preserved for a fortress last inhabited hundreds of years ago, although one of the towers had caved in and a piece was missing from the keep. Rythian was sad to discover that the way to the tombs was at the opposite side of the castle to where the book said it was, but it was the work of a moment for him and Zoeya to break through the solid dark matter trapdoor sealing it shut.

Once it was removed, the trapdoor revealed a deep, narrow shaft cut down through the sandstone to deep within the proper stone beneath with only a half-rotten rope ladder to help them get down. Norbert was elected to go down first, and he tentatively climbed down into a rough, dimly lit passage leading off as far as the eye can see.

"Is it safe doon there?" called Nilesy.

"I think so," replied Norbert.

Zoeya was the next to climb down, by dint of Lomadia and Teep giving her a shove, and Rythian, Teep and Nilesy followed her, with Lomadia bringing up the rear. Lomadia then produced an electric lighter, which she used to re-light the dull, lifeless Eternal Flames placed in small niches at regular intervals in the tunnel wall, and for a good long while the party traipsed along the tunnel. And by a good long while, I mean two hours.

"Are we nearly there yet?" asked Zoeya. "Only we must be at the other side of the world by now!"

"It's not that bad, Zoeya. It's well-lit, it's reasonably spacious, we have good company…" Rythian reassured her.

"That's easy for you to say, you have an attention span. I'm bored, Rythian! We've been walking for hours!" complained Zoeya.

"I'm sure it willnae be tha' much longer. Jist ye wait, in a few minutes we'll be oot of here and intae Theodora's tomb!" said Nilesy confidently.

"No we won't! We're going to walk on for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and nothing interesting's going to happen, not so much as a-"

There was a sharp, vaguely unpleasant sound, and the universe stretched out, bounced back, twisted up tighter than an incredibly tight pair of tights, and suddenly, all was still.

**Another Author's Note**

Oho, a cliffhanger! What has befallen our heroes? What new terrors await them as soon as the universe recovers? And where is the Sword of the Mushroom King? Find out next Sunday, in the next exciting installment of The Sword of the Mushroom King!


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note**

This chapter contains references to The Order of the Stick, Indiana Jones, The Matrix, The Lord of the Rings, and the Septimus Heap series. I don't own any of them.

**Previously, on The Sword of the Mushroom King:**

"Are we nearly there yet?" asked Zoeya. "Only we must be at the other side of the world by now!"

"It's not that bad, Zoeya. It's well-lit, it's reasonably spacious, we have good company…" Rythian reassured her.

"That's easy for you to say, you have an attention span. I'm bored, Rythian! We've been walking for hours!" complained Zoeya.

"I'm sure it willnae be tha' much longer. Jist ye wait, in a few minutes we'll be oot of here and intae Theodora's tomb!" said Nilesy confidently.

"No we won't! We're going to walk on for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and nothing interesting's going to happen, not so much as a-"

There was a sharp, vaguely unpleasant sound, and the universe stretched out, bounced back, twisted up tighter than an incredibly tight pair of tights, and suddenly, all was still.

**Chapter 9: The Mushroom Sword**

"What on Earth was that?!" gasped Norbert.

"I don't feel too good…" agreed Lomadia, who was looking a bit green around the gills.

"I think we must have moved to another universe," suggested Rythian matter-of-factly. "That's the only time when something like what just happened can happen."

"Another universe?!" cried Zoeya.

"That's right," affirmed Rythian. He and all the others were standing (or in Lomadia's case, sitting down) on an isolated hill of pale, almost white sand, wreathed in mist. In the distance, it was just possible to make out the vague shapes of a cluster of buildings, standing firm amid the cold, grey fog.

"Are zose ze tombs, zen?" asked Teep.

"I think so," replied Rythian.

"Does anybody have a bucket?" asked Lomadia weakly.

"Do ye know which one is Theodora's?" asked Nilesy.

"Not as such. The book didn't say anything about this…" sighed Rythian.

"Well, tell us what it does say and we'll work it out," suggested Zoeya.

"The book doesn't actually have anything to do with the tombs whatsoever," elaborated Rythian.

"Oh," said Zoeya.

"Vell, does it say anything about another universe?" asked Teep.

"I suppose there's that pocket universe where Natalie hides the Staff of Broken Stars, but-"

Lomadia threw loudly and messily up. There was a long, pregnant pause.

"Those were my best shoes!" complained Rythian.

"Sorry," apologised Lomadia.

"You BEEP! First the trampoline, now this?! I should've killed you when I had the chance!" roared Rythian, casting off his stricken shoes. "Come here, you little BEEP! I'll kill you!" he raged, chasing after Lomadia, who was fleeing in terror. "Wretch! Infidel! Urchin! Halfwit! Nerf-herder!" continued Rythian. "Mongrel! Vile spawn of a mangy aardvark! Big, fat, stupid, ugly, loathsome, pea-brained daughter of-" Zoeya poured a glass of water over him.

"Thank you," said Rythian, after he'd got his breath back.

* * *

With Rythian barefoot and Lomadia having buried herself in a sandy cave and refused to come out, the party was at somewhat reduced strength by the time they reached Theodora's tomb. According to Jerry Cratchit's book it was a vast pyramid made from several thousand huge blocks of sandstone, but so were all the other tombs, so it wasn't at all easy to find.

"Maybe it's that one," suggested Zoeya, pointing to a pyramid completely indistinguishable from the others.

"Could be," replied Rythian, "but probably not. There has to be an easier way!"

"Is there any magic ye could do that might help?" asked Nilesy.

"Of course, but these pyramids are probably laced with anti-magic wards to stop people messing around with them," Rythian pointed out.

"True," conceded Nilesy.

"Ve'll just haff to search every single tomb from top to bottom until ve find ze sword, zen," said Teep matter-of-factly.

"Or," proposed Zoeya, "we could take a look at the plaques above the doors."

"Excellent idea, I'm glad I thought of it! Come on!" said Rythian, jogging over to the nearest pyramid and taking a look at the embossed bronze plaque over the entrance.

**Here lies Gerald**

**Son of englebert**

**King of the desert**

"Nope, it's not this one," said Rythian.

Teep, meanwhile, had found another plaque, made out of solid gold this time.

**The tomb of Amanda**

**Daughter of charlotte**

**She who waketh the sun**

"Nein," said Teep sadly.

"Maybe it's this one," suggested Zoeya.

**Here rests Stephen**

**Son of Roland**

**Grandson of Arnold**

**Great-grandson of Francis**

**Great-great-grandson of louis**

**Great-great-great-grandson of Ulysses**

**Great-great-great-great-grandson of Talbot**

**Great-great-great-great-great-grandson of Maxwell**

**Great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson of-**

"Fer pity's sake, Zoeya, jist move on!" shouted Nilesy, turning to the plaque he himself had found.

**Here lies Angie**

**Daughter of Amelia**

**A passable queen**

"No…" sighed Nilesy.

* * *

It took many a long hour to find the right tomb, but at last, the five travellers were greeted with a sight to make light their hearts and un-careworn their brows:

**Theodora IV**

**Daughter of Alice**

**The greatest queen who ever lived**

"Yaaaaay! We did it!" rejoiced Zoeya.

"No, we've only found the tomb," Rythian pointed out.

"Yaaaaay! We've partially done it!" Zoeya corrected herself.

"How do we get in, then?" asked Norbert.

"We need a password. I don't actually know it, but I think I could guess," replied Rythian. He stepped up to the sealed door made from solid iron, squared his shoulders, and set to work.

"Mellon," intoned Rythian. Nothing happened.

"Pumpkin," guessed Rythian. Some tumbleweed rolled past.

"Squash. Marrow. Kiwi fruit. Grapefruit. Pineapple! Tomato! Sweet potato! Lemon! Tangerine! Artichoke! Starfruit! Mango! Coconut! Pear! Apple! Banana! Bunch of bloody grapes!" screamed Rythian, giving the door a savage kick.

"Ow…" moaned Rythian, gingerly checking his foot for damage.

"Can I try?" asked Zoeya.

"Go ahead," replied Rythian.

Zoeya stepped boldly forth, hefted her pickaxe, and set about giving the door a good old-fashioned clobbering. It was tough metal tempered by years of not being smashed to bits, but such was the power of Dark Matter that it soon caved in.

"There we go!" said Zoeya triumphantly.

"I could've done that!" declared Rythian.

"Couldn't we all, mate?" said Nilesy.

Rythian cleared his throat. "Now, this pyramid is sure to be full of traps, so let's not rush blindly in. First, we'll put on our armour, then Zoeya and I'll go in first. Nilesy, you be the rearguard; Teep and Norbert, you provide cover fire if need be. If we meet with an enemy too great to be defeated, we'll…"

"Run away?" suggested Zoeya.

"Perform a valiant advance to as far away as possible?" rephrased Norbert.

"Wait for a deus ex machina?" proposed Nilesy.

"Bribe it?" Teep put forward.

"All of them, whichever seems cleverest at the time," Rythian decided.

Thusly, Rythian, Zoeya and Nilesy took their armour from the Ethereal Storage Realm (Red Matter armour for the first two, and bog-standard iron armour for Nilesy), and arranged themselves into a fairly simple tomb-raiding formation. They sallied forth into the tomb, ready to face whatever lay within…

* * *

"_Looks like another group_," said a ghostly voice on the edge of hearing. "_Did we remember to prime the fire arrows in the walls_?"

"_Naturally_," replied a second voice, which belonged to Queen Theodora IV. "_How far do you think they'll make it this time_?"

"_You never know, they might go the distance. There's five of them this time_," the first voice pointed out.

"_There were six last time, and look where that got them_!" Theodora reminded him.

"_True. I really thought the short one would make it under the head-removers_," said a third voice, much deeper and more powerful-sounding than the previous two.

"_Pity he didn't know about the foot-remover at the end_!" giggled Theodora.

"_I know_!" agreed the first voice.

"_Funny, that,_" pondered the third voice. "_None of his chums seemed too bothered about it_."

"_I think the girl with purple hair might've been cheering_!" said the first voice.

"_Well, they were busy fending off the four deadly warrior golems behind the head-removers_…" suggested Theodora. "_And I always thought it was a man who had the purple hair_."

There was the loud, resonating sound of a warrior golem being smashed to bits.

"_Three deadly warrior golems_," the first voice corrected her.

The sound was repeated twice.

"_One warrior golem_…" said Theodora, a hint of worry creeping into her voice.

"Please, for pity's sake, have mercy!" wailed the last warrior golem. "I've got a wife and three kids and my poor, dear mother's in hospital and I need to help my brother pay for his eye operation, and-"

The golem exploded in a shower of clay dust.

"That was a bit heartless, Zoeya," said a Scottish-sounding voice.

"Golems don't have families," pointed out a cheerful female voice.

"_Well, there's always the head-removers_…" said Theodora worriedly.

"Oh, would you look at that! There's a sword stuck in my helmet!" complained another new voice.

"Oh, no! They're a devil to remove," complained the cheerful female voice.

The unseen ghosts shared a moment's fearful silence.

"_Not to worry_," said the first voice. "_We've still got the deadly spears falling down from the ceiling_."

"_And we all know what they did to that American lad with the whip and the silly hat_!" agreed Theodora.

There was the eerie, scratchy sound of several descending spears being cut to ribbons by a Red Katar.

"_Oh_," said Theodora.

"_Well, there's always the fire arrows_…" the third voice reassured her.

"_Unless it's those people with the sunglasses_," the first voice pointed out.

"_How did they do that, anyway? You can't just jump, slow down time and let every arrow go past you_!" complained Theodora.

There was a series of repeated clangs, such as might be made by a great deal of fire arrows colliding with red matter armour.

"_Aha_!" cried Theodora triumphantly.

"Oh, God, it hurts!" wailed a female German voice, such as might belong to a dinosaur who had been accidentally given a storage chest's voice in a magical accident.

"_Yessss_!" rejoiced the ghosts.

There was a sudden sloshing noise, such as might be made by a masked wizard releasing a great torrent of water from his Evertide Amulet. Theodora put her head in her hands.

"_Don't worry, there's still the socking great lead slab in the ceiling, and not even that woman with purple snakes on her feet got past that_!" the third voice reassured her.

"_That reminds me… did we actually put the slab back once she'd left_?" asked the first voice.

There was an awkward silence.

"_Oh well_," said Theodora, "_what's undeath without a little excitement_?"

* * *

The inner sanctum of Theodora's tomb was truly a sight to behold. The walls of sandstone inlaid with gold and sky-blue diamond curved slowly inwards, eventually coming together to form the ceiling, over twenty metres above the floor, which was even better. An ornate quadrangle made from solid emerald girt with lapis lazuli dominated the floor, surrounded by eight ancient glyphs, radiating light into the room. At the far end of the chamber stood a solid gold sarcophagus, painted to look like Queen Theodora did in life, and six similar sarcophagi stood side-by-side at each side-wall. At the centre of the quadrangle was a casket as big as a garden shed, inlaid with glyphs made from diamond and emerald.

"Wow!" gasped Zoeya as she and Rythian emerged into the sanctum, blinking in the sudden brightness. She, Rythian, Nilesy, Teep and Norbert strode reverentially over to the casket. Nilesy took a stepladder from the Ethereal Storage Realm and positioned it so Rythian could climb up to the top of the casket, where he slid the lid gently onto the chamber's floor. A warm golden glow emerged from within, and the party gasped with awe at the vast riches within.

"It's… it's…" breathed Nilesy.

"Beautiful!" cried Teep.

"Awesome!" agreed Zoeya.

"Magnificent!" suggested Norbert.

"Not bad, as unimaginable riches go," said Rythian levelly.

"Now, where's the sword?…" he muttered, and he began to dig through the assorted coins, gemstones, artefacts and trinkets, scattering enough money to buy a small country over the floor.

"_Arise, my children!_" said a female voice on the edge of hearing.

"Nope, that's not it," sighed Rythian, dropping the indestructible Falchion of the Crimson Skies on the nearest bit of floor.

"Ow!" cried Zoeya, lifting the surprisingly heavy sword off her foot.

"_The oath of a Royal Housecarle transcends the boundaries of space and time!_" continued the unheard voice. A ghostly figure began to appear in front of Theodora's sarcophagus.

"For crying out loud! Where is the bloody thing?!" demanded Rythian.

"Um, people…" said Nilesy tentatively.

"_Prepare yourselves! The time of war is upon us!_" declared the not so unheard voice, and more ghostly figures began to appear from thin air.

"Look!" shouted Nilesy, grabbing Teep by the snout and turning him to face the spectral legion.

"Oh, mein gott!" exclaimed Teep.

"_Spirit-warriors of the desert, your time is now! ATTACK!_" shouted the vengeful spirit of Queen Theodora IV.

* * *

"Found it!" said Rythian triumphantly, holding aloft a long, serrated broadsword with an unnatural red tint and a hilt shaped like a mushroom. It was the Sword of the Mushroom King.

"Does that really matter right now?!" demanded Zoeya, gazing in horror at the advancing ranks of transparent ghost-warriors clad in gold-plated armour advancing on them from all directions.

"Of course it- oh, my!" said Rythian, doing a double take.

"This tomb is not public property," said Theodora menacingly. "It was made by those who weren't dead at the time but are now, and they keep it!" Theodora was a tall, imposing woman with chocolate-brown skin and much darker hair, which fanned out beneath her almost completely indestructible helm of moonlight-infused silver. It was part of a set of powerful magical armour which she had worn in life, and thusly wore in death. The twelve mighty warriors flanking her, her husbands, wore similar sets, although the massive scimitars they also carried were more of a concern.

"Um, can't we talk about this?" asked Rythian.

"Talk?! You break into my tomb, steal my stuff, destroy my golems, and you expect us to parley?! Nothing doing!" said Theodora firmly.

"Look, we were jist-" began Nilesy, but a barrage of ghostly arrows flying at him and all mysteriously missing silenced any further complaints.

"Prepare to die!" suggested Theodora, as people like her tended to do in order to make fight scenes more dramatic.

"Never!" replied Rythian, for much the same reason, transferring the Sword of the Mushroom King to his left hand and unsheathing his Red Katar.

Theodora drew her own sword, a long, curved bronze khopesh, and advanced towards him, taking a flying leap to get up onto the opposite edge of the casket. Her twelve husbands and the rest of the ghosts were keeping Teep, Nilesy, Zoeya and Norbert busy, but that doesn't matter right now.

"En garde!" shouted Rythian.

"Up yours!" replied Theodora, who hadn't had a classical education. Their swords met in midair, sending sparks flying down onto the treasure still inside the casket. The queen and the wizard had at each other, making vicious swipes, dangerous lunges and ferocious stabs at each other, whirling on a sixpence to parry surprise attacks from behind and making good use of how hard it was to balance on the edge of a massive treasure-filled casket. Rythian took to the air, as did Theodora, because ghosts aren't affected by gravity, and they flew at each other with redoubled ferocity. Their blades collided many times each second, blurring through the air and hacking down on each other without a shred of mercy, until Rythian remembered he also had his katar and he slashed open Theodora's throat.

"You'll have to do better than that, goat-brains," said Theodora, barely noticing the deep gash across her throat.

"_Oh, god! She's invulnerable!_" panicked Rythian, as Theodora pressed down upon him with a series of ferocious attacks. "_Then again, Red Katars aren't specifically designed to destroy… unlike the Sword of the Mushroom King…_"

"Take this, you idiosyncratic raven-haired harlot!" shouted Rythian, pushing back Theodors's sword with his katar and running her through with the Sword of the Mushroom King.

"Aaargh!" screamed Theodora, in considerable pain, but the sword had only hit her side. Ectoplasm welled up from the gash, staining her armour and dripping onto a ghost-warrior who happened to be underneath.

"Submit!" commanded Rythian, holding the magic sword to her throat.

"Never!" replied Theodora, pushing the blade away by its flat side and assailing Rythian's face. The wizard retreated just in time to avoid serious damage, but his facemask was ruined.

"That was my best mask! Taste my wrath, you mong-face!" suggested Rythian, hacking down upon Theodora's head.

"Eat this, you purple-eyed prestidigitating prat!" replied Theodora, deflecting his blow and kicking him in the shins.

"Your life is over, you evil swine-daughter!" declared Rythian, ignoring the kick (Theodora didn't have armour-piercing feet) and sending a bolt of magical lightning her way.

"Well, duh," said the ancient ghost, dodging the lightning and hacking at a chink in Rythian's armour in the middle of his left arm.

"Aaargh! That was my favourite arm!" screamed Rythian, staring in disbelief at the small flap of skin that was all that attached his arm to the rest of him.

"Rythian!" cried Zoeya, pausing amid a sea of wounded ghosts and ectoplasm which she was busily clobbering to stare in disbelief at her friend and teacher.

"Oh, God!" agreed Nilesy.

"Truly, he vas ze best of us," sobbed Teep.

"Our house is invincible! None who stand against us will live!" rejoiced Theodora. "Hahahahahahahaha! AHAHAHA-"

"I'm not dead, you idiots!" Rythian pointed out, stabbing Theodora through the face. She screamed in rage and agony, then slowly crumpled up around the Sword of the Mushroom King. It was a terrible sight, to which Zoeya eloquently summed up the group's reactions by making a loud disgust sound best approximated to "Eurgh!"

The ghosts, however, went into a panic. Confused and leaderless, they ran around like headless chickens, and it was easy for the five adventurers to pick off those few who still remained loyal to their tomb.

Nobody was too eager to remove the Sword of the Mushroom King from what little remained of Theodora, but a game of rock-paper-scissors eventually decided that it would be Nilesy. He drew the sword reverentially, made a few experimental swipes through the air (almost cutting Norbert in half in the process), and struck a heroic pose on top of a sarcophagus. Rythian eagerly joined him while Zoeya tried to magically heal his arm, with a reasonable level of success, and after a few minutes the triumphant five were on their way back to Lomadia, and then hopefully the Millennium Toucan...

* * *

Lomadia was having a terrible time. Buried deep in a sandy cave, she had waited hours for her friends and Rythian to get back. She had brought a book with her, but having read it four times, it was losing its appeal, and there was only so much sulking one could do before it got a bit repetitive. And she was absolutely starving. There was nothing else for it: she would have to surface.

With speed born from several lonely hours spent digging baby owls out of snowdrifts, Lomadia clambered out of the dark, wet, sandy cave onto the bright, dry, even sandier surface, straight into a tent full of Lightning Elementals.

They all stared at each other in disbelief for a while, before Lomadia thought to get out her nano-saber and the chief Lightning Elemental thought to act.

"Guards! Seize her!" he shouted, readying his long, rune-covered Thunderstaff.

"Right you are," said the other three Elementals, drawing their doubleswords.

They duelled with Lomadia for about twenty seconds, but four will generally triumph over one, so Lomadia stood no chance.

"Tie her up and bring her before me completely naked," ordered the chief Elemental.

"What?! No!" protested Lomadia, as the three other Elementals removed her clothes and trussed her up like a turkey.

"Now, what were you doing under our tent?" asked the chief Elemental, whose name was Sariorka.

"I'm trained only to give you my name and number," replied Lomadia obstinately.

"Oh, really?" growled Sariorka, powering up his Thunderstaff.

"Myname'sLomadiaandI'monaquesttofindtheSwordoftheM ushroomKingbutIhadabitofanargumentwithoneofmycompa nionssoIburiedmyselfpleasedon'thurtme!"

This is what Sariorka was expecting Lomadia to say. What she actually said is as follows:

"Oh, go screw an aardvark, you plonker!"

Sariorka stared at her in surprise. He had never expected someone completely naked and tied up with a fully charged Thunderstaff pointing at her to be so defiant, but on the other hand, this meant he got to have some fun…

"Take this!" he roared, sending 100,000 volts coursing through Lomadia's body. She screamed for several seconds before she had to stop to breathe, then calmed herself down and spoke some more.

"I don't know who you are or what you're doing, but you won't get anything out of me," she growled.

"Oh, but I will. Naked people are so very conductive!" laughed Sariorka, giving her another blast of electricity. Lomadia gritted her teeth against the agonising pain and tried to ignore the smell of her own skin being cooked, before treating the Lightning Elementals to her entire repertoire of swear words.

"Oh, I say!" gasped one of Sariorka's underlings.

"My mum'd have a fit if she knew what I was hearing!" agreed another Elemental.

"Shut up!" retorted Sariorka. "Now, are you or are you not going to tell me what you're doing here?"

"Um, well…" stalled Lomadia. A feeling was growing in her mind, a distant sensation coming closer. During her time working with Nilesy, she and him had developed a sort of psychic connection, being able to sense each other across vast distances, and now she could feel him coming. Soon, he would be just about within earshot, which meant Rythian, Zoeya, Norbert and Teep were with him, and they could help her. She just needed to wait a little longer…

"Well?" demanded Sariorka.

"Okay, it's like this. There's this thing, right, and we need another thing so we can take care of the first thing so- AAAAARGH! What was that for?!"

"Stop stalling and give me a proper explanation!" ordered Sariorka, blowing some smoke off his Thunderstaff.

"Okay, okay, no need to shout. I've come to provide transport for some friends of mine so they can find a-" Nilesy was close enough now, she had to act. "HELP!" Lomadia shouted.

"Shut up!" ordered Sariorka.

"No way!" retorted Lomadia. "HEEEEEELP!"

"You don't know what's good for you, do you? Take this!" shouted the Elemental, jabbing his Thunderstaff into Lomadia's belly and giving her a blast of electricity. It hurt as much as the previous two combined, and it took all Lomadia's pride and self-control to keep her from screaming like a helpless Hollywood starlet, until she realised that might actually help the others hear her.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Lomadia.

"Silence!" roared Sariorka, placing his hand firmly over Lomadia's mouth. She bit down on it with all her might. What Sariorka said in response is lost in the mists of time, but the general gist of it is as follows: "Oh, I say, how could you do such a thing?! My poor hand! I shall give you a jolly good smack just as soon as my hand's recovered, you see if I don't!"

The sounds of fighting began to drift in from outside.

"Quiet out there!" shouted one of Sariorka's underlings.

There was a scream, followed by a few explosions.

"I'm warning you!" continued the underling.

The noise drew to a sudden stop. For a few seconds, all that could be heard was footsteps approaching the tent where Lomadia was held captive.

"I don't think you realise my friends and Rythian are probably on their way here already, and your life expectancy is about ten seconds after they arrive," said Lomadia confidently.

"You mean this lot?" said a new voice, and in walked a particularly fierce-looking Elemental with some faded stitching around her neck, holding Rythian and Nilesy up by their hair.

"Oh, thank you, Elismaeroth! Just leave them over there," said Sariorka, gesturing to some chairs bolted to the ground next to the minibar.

"Um…" said Lomadia nervously.

"There's more," continued Elismaeroth, and four more Lightning Elementals came into the tent behind her, holding Zoeya, Norbert and a fiercely struggling Teep between them.

"Hiya," said Zoeya.

"Shut up!" ordered one of the Elementals, slapping her upside the head.

Elismaeroth and her retinue set about tying their captives to the chairs, while one of Sariorka's minions dumped Lomadia unceremoniously next to them.

"Gordon bennet, that's Elismaeroth!" whispered Lomadia, once she had wriggled into a more comfortable position.

"We killed her, didn't we?" asked Nilesy, wincing as the ropes bent his broken leg into an uncomfortable position.

"Shut your face, ugly," said Elismaeroth absentmindedly.

"Come on, everybody!" ordered Sariorka, leading the other Elementals out of the tent.

A few minutes passed in silence.

"We're in a real pickle, aren't we?" commented Zoeya.

**Another Author's Note**

Well, that was another very exciting chapter, if I do say so myself!

Just so you know, the psychic connection between Nilesy and Lomadia is supposed to represent how they were able to talk to each other in Tekkit and Feed the Beast even when their characters were far apart. It's a bit like the Ethereal Storage Realm in that respect.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note**

Once again, I must apologize for the delay in this chapter being uploaded. You'd think I could get it out on time, seeing as I've already written the whole story but no... Seriously, though, I'll do better next Sunday.

Also, this chapter begins with part of a completely different story. Stick with it, though; normal service will be resumed after a few paragraphs.

On with the story!

**Chapter 10: The Epic Adventures of Genevieve, Warrior-princess of Sweden**

_Genevieve sat glumly in the airship's moonlit observation deck, absentmindedly picking bits of gooseberry conserve out of her ceremonial purple wig. It had all been such a rush, and now she was feeling quite upset; fending off the Dark Lord's cybernetic zombie legions always took it out of her._

_The polished teak door opened quietly behind her, letting in the warm light of the oil lamps and allowing a young man, his face indistinguishable in the darkness of the observation room, to come in._

"_I thought I'd find you here, Gen. What're you doing?" He spoke with a soft Norwegian accent._

_Genevieve sighed, turning to face the man. "Oh, I'm bicycling to Albania. You?"_

"_I couldn't sleep. I thought I'd see what you were up to," replied the man, opening the door a little wider. Light illuminated him, and there was no mistaking his spiky green mohawk; this was Lionel, her half-brother and only real friend._

"_Oh, right," said Genevieve, shuffling over on the wooden bench to let Lionel sit next to her. They sat in silence, staring out over the vast, snowy mountain vistas liberally sprinkled with pine trees, until Genevieve decided to broach a subject that had been troubling her for quite some time now._

"_Do you think I'd be any good at knitting?" she asked. "It's just it's getting rather chilly now, and there's no warm clothing on board."_

"_In all honesty, I think you'd be absolutely dreadful at it," said Lionel matter-of-factly._

"_Well, I'll give it a try anyway," declared Genevieve._

_Suddenly, there was an almighty, tearing crash, and the airship rocked dangerously. Lionel fell on top of Genevieve, and it took them a good few seconds to get upright. They immediately wished they hadn't._

"_Prepare to die!" said an unnaturally deep voice, emanating from the larynx of a tall, muscular cyborg zombie that had just burst through the wall, brandishing a heat-seeking battle-axe._

"_Oh, really? I'll have you know this is Princess Genevieve von Bravenhearten, the second greatest swordfighter this side of the Swiss alps!" declared Lionel._

"_You know all the lines, don't you?" said Genevieve calmly, reaching for her sword. It wasn't there. "On the other hand, I may have forgotten my sword, so… um…"_

_The hulking robotic undead monstrosity thingy advanced towards them, growling with delight at the prospect of ripping two unarmed people to shreds, when suddenly the white-hot blade of a nano-saber was poking through its chest. It shrieked in pain, falling slowly and dramatically to the ground. Behind its corpse stood Lady Tabitha Heterodactyl, the greatest swordfighter this side of the Swiss alps. Her smoking nano-saber was held tightly in a gloved hand, the other of which hung casually from her arm._

"_Lionel! Gen! I thought I'd find you here," she said calmly._

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Lomadia, what the flip is going on?! That's no' what happened! I mean, Tabitha doesnae even arrive 'till chapter four! Everyone knows Lionel covers the zombie's eyes with Theodora's wig while she uses some wire from her bra tae dig oot its mind control chip," declared Nilesy.

"I'm just trying to make the story realistic. There's no way those two could've fought off the zombie-cyborg-thingy unarmed!" said Lomadia defensively.

"Honestly, it's bad enough all those teenagers addin' two-dimensional self-inserts tae fulfil their adolescent fantasies wi'oot you tryin' tae make it realistic!" complained Nilesy.

"It's a remake! I can do what I want!," protested Lomadia.

"_The Epic Adventures of Genevieve, Warrior-princess of Sweden_'s a classic! You can't just waltz in and change a classic," argued Rythian.

"Can too!" countered Lomadia. "It's called 'making a realistic adaptation', and it's been done hundreds of times."

"And just what do you mean by realistic?" Zoeya piped up. "We have a talking dinosaur archer right here with us, you created and ran an owl sanctuary all by yourself until you met Nilesy, five of our friends built a Jaffa cake factory all by themselves, me and Rythian make a point of breaking the laws of physics at least once before breakfast every day, there are Creepers, Endermen, giant spiders, undead, dragons, Elementals, gryphons, golems, chimaeras, serpents, three-headed dogs, and those yellow-and-brown horses with the massive necks all over the place! Nothing in any story you read could be less realistic than our lives!" she ranted.

"Actually, those yellow-and-brown horses are just giraffes. There's nothing magical about them," Rythian pointed out.

"Sh'yeah, right! As if they could hold their necks up without magic!" Zoeya dismissed him.

"WHAT?! You dare to 'sh'yeah, right!' your master?!" cried Rythian.

"If I might just interject," said Teep, making a placating hand gesture, "ve are supposed to be making an escape plan, ja?"

"I suppose so, but it's so boring in here none of us can concentrate," Norbert pointed out. After three long days, the six were still tied up in the same large tent, although somebody had consented to drape an old tweed blanket over Lomadia's more personal bodily accoutrements, and Rythian and Zoeya had done what magical healing they could without actually moving. The Elementals had given them frugal yet moderately nourishing meals, but they tasted like wet cardboard, so the party was getting rather desperate to escape.

"Okay," said Nilesy, "Suppose one of yez set yersel' on fire tae burn through the ropes, then knock oot the guards when they come tae feed us, untie the rest of us, we steal their weapons and fight our way tae-"

"Um, let me just stop you there," said Rythian carefully. "We set ourselves on what?"

"Fire," Nilesy confirmed. "It's a perfectly simple spell, no' at all painful if ye do it properly."

Rythian and Zoeya looked at each other. The other three looked at Nilesy.

"You never taught me anything like this," said Zoeya dubiously.

"That's because I don't know anything like this," Rythian explained.

"Oh. I know how tae do it, but I'm no' any good at magic," said Nilesy glumly.

"Tell them how, then," suggested Norbert, pointing to the two magicians.

"I'm no' any good at teaching, either!" Nilesy pointed out.

"So that's it, then?!" cried Lomadia. "We're just gonna sit around while Ĕħîøłþĵæç destroys the world?"

Elismaeroth burst into the tent, brandishing a half-eaten chicken drumstick she'd forgotten to put down in her haste.

"What did you say?!" the mighty Elemental demanded. "What do you know of Ĕħîøłþĵæç?"

Lomadia glared at her. "I'm not telling you a bloody thing, you motherf-"

"Shut up, Lomadia!" shouted Nilesy quickly. "This could benefit us."

"It may well," agreed Elismaeroth. "But before we get into that, tell me everything."

"It's a long story," Rythian pointed out.

"Then speak fast," suggested Sariorka, emerging through the door-flap behind Elismaeroth.

"Okay. Well, it all started when…" began Rythian.

* * *

"…And that is the complete story of how we came to know Ĕħîøłþĵæç, and our quest to bring about his destruction."

There was a pause.

"Wow!" commented Elismaeroth.

"Let me get this straight: you have the only weapon capable of killing Ĕħîøłþĵæç?" asked Sariorka.

"Correct," said Rythian.

"And you were planning on using it for that very purpose?"

"Correct."

"Well, what a coincidence!" said Sariorka. "Hey, you out there! Untie them and get the woman with the blanket some clothes!"

A few Elementals listening in from outside the tent hastened to obey. Lomadia was given back her original clothes, and the Elementals led the party out into the afternoon sun. Soon Teep, Zoeya, Nilesy, Rythian, Norbert and a fully-clothed Lomadia were sitting on comfortable chairs at the end of a long metal banqueting table under a sunshade emblazoned with stylised bolts of lightning, having an animated discussion over creamy scones and glasses of port.

"…So anyway, if we all rushed at Ĕħîøłþĵæç and kept him distracted, you could slip past his defences and kill him?" asked Elismaeroth.

"Probably," replied Rythian non-committaly. "Aren't you worried about Ĕħîøłþĵæç killing lots of your soldiers before I take care of him?"

"They'll be all right. What matters is how soon Ĕħîøłþĵæç dies," Sariorka reassured him.

"Just out of curiosity, what happens if something happens to Rythian?" asked Norbert.

"We improvise," replied Elismaeroth.

"Now, hang on!" began Rythian. "I don't intend to-"

"That's settled then!" declared Sariorka, standing up and adopting a heroic speech-making pose. "Lend me your ears, gentlemen!"

"Ahem," coughed Elismaeroth, gesturing to Lomadia, Zoeya, herself, and all the female Elementals at the table.

"And ladies!" added Sariorka. "Today is a momentous day. For the first time in Lightning Elemental history, we fight and die alongside our hated enemies! Ever since the fateful day we decided to practise on a remote owl sanctuary nobody would miss, these six people and their currently missing storage chest have been our prey, but no more. Ĕħîøłþĵæç must die, and with their help we shall accomplish that! By the power of lightning and the sharpness of the Sword of the Mushroom King, the Demon of Fire will be no more! Never again will he cast a shadow over our world!"

"Hooray!" cheered the assembled Elementals.

"Hooray!" agreed the party of sword-finders.

"Make for the cloud-ships! We fly at once to Blackrock Stronghold, to war, to glory, to death, and to the doom of Ĕħîøłþĵæç!" ordered Sariorka.

"What's a cloud-ship?" whispered Zoeya.

"You'll see," replied an Elemental.

* * *

Talking and joking amongst themselves, the army of Lightning Elementals made their way to the cloud-ships in a short column, although a few stayed behind to pack up the table and the chairs in the Ethereal Storage Realm. Led by Elismaeroth and Sariorka, they proceeded in single file back through the secret tunnel out of the pocket universe. The state of the abandoned castle they arrived in, however, none could have expected. It was ruined. The walls were crumbling and had great chunks missing, fallen sandstone masonry littered the ground and several small fires were still burning in the wreckage.

"We thought there might be some enemies in here, so… y'know…" explained Elismaeroth.

"Oh," said Lomadia, gazing ruefully at the once glorious sandstone architecture reduced to smoking rubble.

After a quick roll-call to see if nobody had been cast into the depths of Limbo (always a danger during transdimensional travel), the group left the fortress of the Desert Kings via the front door, which had been widened to admit a column of Elementals twelve abreast. The sight which met them was perfectly normal for most of the army, but incredible for the sword-finders.

Before them were several flat, lozenge-shaped vehicles of dark grey metal surrounded by black mist, floating a few metres above the ground with rope ladders hanging from open hatches in their hulls. Nobody doubted for more than a second that these were the cloud-ships. The column of Lightning Elementals split up and ascended the ladders a few at a time, while Elismaeroth, Sariorka, Rythian, Zoeya, Lomadia, Nilesy, Teep, Norbert and a few of the fiercer Elementals climbed into the largest cloud-ship.

"I hope you're suitably honoured, this is one of our best battleships!" Sariorka pointed out as they climbed.

"Oh, ve're deeply honoured," Teep assured him, bowing graciously to prove his point, which is no mean feat on a ladder.

Entering the cloud-ship was like stepping through a portal into another world, not unlike Princess Genevieve von Bravenhearten's. The floor was made of varnished mahogany planks with a curved white skirting board leading to beige plastered walls. Eternal Flames hung down from the ceiling, bathing the corridor in warm light, and the soft, plush carpet squashed pleasantly underfoot as the two commanding Elementals gave the sword-finders a tour of the ship. They showed them the plush, four-poster bunk beds where the Elementals slept, the old oak table and leather armchairs of the mess hall, the hustle and bustle of the kitchen, the sumptuously upholstered rumpus room, and then the armoury.

Lomadia, Nilesy and Norbert borrowed some of the mithril armour Elementals wore into battle, and at Sariorka's insistence the entire party borrowed some leather winkle-pickers, which no Lightning Elemental would be seen dead without. The Elemental warriors took a few minutes to equip themselves, then continued the tour, finishing up in the bridge. It was a large, round room dominated by a circular table, on top of which was a glowing blue sphere surrounded by floating symbols. It was constantly monitored by a few Elementals, one of whom also had to look through the wide bay window at the front of the ship. Six small pine desks topped with globes, books, maps and smaller blue spheres were arranged around the central table, and holes in the outer walls allowed long steel tridents to poke through. These would fire lightning at enemies during battle, and be used to make toast during peacetime (i.e. never).

"Wow!" breathed Zoeya, Teep, Nilesy, Lomadia, Norbert and Rythian simultaneously.

"Like it? The previous captain wanted polished white metal, glowy blue things and bleeding-edge technology all over the place, but me and him prefer rustic charm," explained Elismaeroth, putting an arm around Skariorka's shoulder.

"Bleeding-edge technology? You mean this is science?" asked Rythian suspiciously.

"Rythian…" said Zoeya, in the warning voice only wives or girlfriends can achieve.

"Shut up, Zoeya," said Rythian, in the completely fearless voice powerful wizards can generally achieve in such circumstances. "Is it, or is it not, scientific?"

"It's both magical and scientific," replied Sariorka.

"What?! But that's cheating!" cried Rythian.

"Shut up, Rythian!" said Teep quickly, remembering how fierce Lightning Elementals could be if you insulted them.

"But… but… but… but… but…" blustered Rythian.

"Shut up, all of you! We've arrived!" declared Elismaeroth.

"Already?!" cried Nilesy, rushing over to the window and taking a jolly good look outside. The others quickly joined him, and they were indeed approaching Blackrock Stronghold, or what was left of it. The time-stop had petered out a while ago, and the blue fire blazed up to the sky, stretching for half a mile around the stricken stronghold.

"Look how big it's got!" cried Zoeya.

"But how did we get here so fast?" pondered Nilesy.

"The cloud-ships have Unreal Engines. They're not real, so the laws of physics don't apply to them, meaning they can generate infinite energy," explained Elismaeroth.

"How can that possibly work?!" demanded Rythian.

"Trade secret," replied Sariorka.

"Um, captains, I'm sensing some powerful magic down there…" said a worried Elemental.

"'Captains'?" repeated Zoeya.

"We're twins," explained Sariorka.

"Him and me," agreed Elismaeroth. "What sort of magic?"

"The dangerous sort," replied the worried fellow.

"Well, that doesn't get us very far!" said Elismaeroth, slightly miffed.

There was a loud, roaring boom from outside, and the cloud-ship reeled backwards, shaking from the impact. Red warning thingies flashed into existence on the glowing blue spheres, and were quickly heeded, sending almost all the bridge crew rushing off to deal with damage.

"What's happening?!" wailed Zoeya, grabbing the nearest thing to hand, which was Teep.

"How should I know?" replied the dinosaur, politely removing his tail from her grip. Sariorka lifted Nilesy, Norbert and an Elemental to their feet and rushed over to the front of the bridge.

"Man and/or woman the cannons!" he ordered, remembering Elismaeroth's polite cough. Most of the remaining Elementals took up positions beside the lightning-casting tridents, readying themselves to do some serious damage to anything not insulated, leaving only three to watch the glowing blue control spheres and one more to communicate with the other cloud-ships.

That one more was Elismaeroth, so she reached up into the ceiling, pulling down something looking suspiciously like a plastic cup with a string in the bottom. She spoke into it in a calm but urgent voice:

"Attention, everybody! We've arrived at Blackrock Stronghold and are under heavy fire. All first-class battlecraft, focus all your lightning on Ĕħîøłþĵæç and his forces. All second-class battlecraft, escort the landing crafts to the ground. All landing crafts, be escorted to the ground by the second-class battlecraft and deposit your entire complements of soldiers. All third-class battlecraft, surround the command ship and soak up incoming damage. Move out!"

This said, Elismaeroth strode purposefully over to Rythian, Zoeya, Teep, Nilesy, Lomadia and Norbert, who were standing around like bumps on logs with no idea what was going on.

"Come on, or we'll be late for the battle!" she said, taking Rythian by the hand and leading him and the others back along the Eternal Flame-lit corridors to the same metal hatch through which they had come in. Down below, the fire-blackened ground was swarming with indistinct figures wearing red armour and tall, lavishly decorated top hats.

"Who are zat lot?" asked Teep, pointing down at the indistinct figures.

"Fire Elementals," replied Elismaeroth. "They always got on well with demons, and we're the only Elementals who could stand up to them." She sighed, then seemed to perk up a bit. "Still, I won't be out of a job any time soon!" Elismaeroth drew her sword, gave the party a cheery wave, and jumped out of the cloud-ship.

"Did she just…?" asked Lomadia, in disbelief.

"Don't worry, we Lightning Elementals can be very resilient during long falls," said Sariorka, who had just arrived behind them.

"We're not," Norbert pointed out.

Zoeya thought for a moment.

"Three of us have flight rings, yes?"

"We do," agreed Rythian.

"And the other three don't?"

"Yep," concurred Lomadia.

"So why don't me, Lomadia and Rythian fly you three down?" suggested Zoeya.

"That's a brilliant idea!" Rythian declared.

"I know!" said Zoeya gleefully, Empowering her flying ring.

"Now, vait just a minute!" protested Teep as Zoeya lifted him up onto her back.

"I'm no' comfortable with this!" wailed Nilesy.

"Don't worry, all we're doing is carrying three people down from a cloud-ship miles up above the ground to the waiting army of Fire Elementals to kill a nigh-invincible demon with a magic sword! What could possibly go wrong?" Zoeya reassured them.

"Do you vant ze list?" asked Teep.

"No, thanks," replied Zoeya.

Lomadia, Rythian and Zoeya lined up in front of the hatch. Zoeya looked over her shoulder at Rythian, blew him a kiss, and leapt forth unto the blue yonder.

"Geronimo!" she shouted, then "Aaaaaaaaargh!" as her flight ring completely failed to support her and Teep, and finally "Phew…" once the magic got up to speed, and her and Teep's fall slowed to a gentle, harmless descent. Below them were hundreds of Lightning and Fire Elementals, making quite a light show with their Elemental powers. The already scorched ground was taking a real beating, and poorly aimed fireballs and lightning flew off in all directions.

In the centre of it all was Ĕħîøłþĵæç, surrounded by a blindingly bright corona of magic and lightning. Countless lightning bolts fired by the cloud-ships schismed down through the air to strike at him, only to flow around his body and earth themselves in the remains of Blackrock Stronghold. Ĕħîøłþĵæç fought back with his azure blue fire, sending great streams of it up to strike at the cloud-ships, melting through metal and blasting away the clouds. It was like a cross between a fireworks display, a rock concert and an alien invasion.

Zoeya landed gently, but nevertheless the sudden weight of her plus Teep on her relaxed legs came as a bit of a shock, and the Fire Elementals managed to get the drop on her. Four sizzling fireballs struck her armour, sending her flying into Rythian and Norbert, who had just landed. Rythian reacted instinctively, lashing out at the nearest person, which was Elismaeroth. She cried out in shock and the bolt of lightning she was preparing went wide, striking Lomadia a glancing blow and knocking her and Nilesy to the ground.

Dimly aware of utter chaos around her, Zoeya got shakily to her feet, helping Teep up and retrieving her pickaxe from the Ethereal Storage Realm.

"Is everyone all right?" she asked.

"I am," replied Rythian, "but she's not." He pointed to Lomadia, who lay sprawled on the ground with a smouldering wound on the left side of her torso.

"Oh my gosh!" cried Zoeya. "Lomadia! Say something!"

"Auntie Em? Is that you?" asked Lomadia blearily.

"She's fine," said Nilesy confidently.

There was a series of loud, violent explosions from behind, and the assorted burning shrapnel of several cloud-ships fell to earth around the party.

"Oh, lumme, he's destroying us!" gasped Elismaeroth.

"I certainly am!" came a loud, booming voice, and a terrible figure stepped before her. He stood three metres tall, sky-blue and burning with a similar blue flame. His four long arms were wreathed in the sickly purple colour of dark magic and the blood of the fallen encrusted his feet, and the purple glow of his three eyes was all too similar to the portal to some evil world. It was Ĕħîøłþĵæç.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note**

At last, the end is drawing near. This is the last chapter of the Sword of the Mushroom King, although there will undoubtedly be an epilogue, and maybe an extra bit.

Writing this story wasn't easy, nor was the lengthy editing process, but the knowledge that you, the reader, would one day allow my words to enter your eyes and be absorbed into your heart kept me going. So far, more than six hundred of you have read The Sword of the Mushroom King (but strangely enough, only one of you has reviewed it), and I sincerely hope you are enjoying it.

The surname "Helgadottir" means "Daughter of Helga", a fact which will be exploited during this chapter by a certain sentient storage device. I shall say no more.

Now, with no further ado, on with the story!

**Chapter 11: Duelling Êhîølþjæç across Time and Space**

"Tremble before me, demon, for I am Rythian Hellstrand, son of Kelizor, wielder of the Sword of the Mushroom King!" declared Rythian, stepping before the mighty demon, holding the sword in a two-handed grip.

"Oh, shove off," replied Ĕħîøłþĵæç, batting him aside like a golf ball.

"Come on, you lot! Give him hell!" ordered Elismaeroth, and she and several other Lightning Elementals charged at Ĕħîøłþĵæç.

"Fire Elementals, to me!" roared Ĕħîøłþĵæç Hearing his words, the fierce, top hatted Fire Elementals rallied around him, readying their fireballs. Elismaeroth and her troops smashed into them, hacking at their armour and showering them with lightning. Victory was soon near, but the power of Ĕħîøłþĵæç could not be undone.

With a roar of fury, Ĕħîøłþĵæç raised both his right arms, and a long, heavy, glowing staff materialized in his hands. He drove into the Lightning Elementals, knocking them aside ten at a time. He grabbed Elismaeroth around the neck, looming over her in a hateful, three-eyed leer.

"None but he who wields the Sword of the Mushroom King can slay me, and even they'd have a hard time!" growled Ĕħîøłþĵæç, holding Elismaeroth up by her neck with a single burning hand. "Die!" With that, he squeezed Elismaeroth's neck painfully hard. She struggled helplessly in his iron grip, trying desperately to breathe.

"All right, this is our chance," muttered Rythian, shaking Zoeya's shoulder and leading her over to Ĕħîøłþĵæç. They snuck up behind the demon, and with a fierce battle cry, Rythian leapt at him, cleaving a long, deep gash down his back. The gash glowed bright orange from within, and Ĕħîøłþĵæç roared with pain. Zoeya assailed his head with her pickaxe, but it simply glanced off into Ĕħîøłþĵæç's waiting hand. Ĕħîøłþĵæç swung the pickaxe, and by extension Zoeya, into Rythian, sending them both sprawling on the blackened earth.

"Foolish mortals! You do not stand a chance!" declared Ĕħîøłþĵæç.

"For crying out loud, shut up and fight us!" retorted Rythian, rolling Zoeya off him. Once more Rythian charged, and this time Lomadia and a few Lightning Elementals followed him, providing enough of a distraction for Rythian to give Ĕħîøłþĵæç a deep, painful stab.

"Gaaah!" wailed Ĕħîøłþĵæç, gingerly feeling the wound. It wasn't exactly fatal, but it really hurt. "You'll pay for that, you son of a-"

"Didn't you listen?! He said shut up!" Zoeya reminded the demon, reinforcing her message by mind-punching him halfway across the battlefield, where he crashed into a cloud-ship and bounced off into the middle of a skirmish. A ferocious lightning bolt striking him shortly afterwards announced the presence of Sariorka, the power of his Thunderstaff making life a misery for the Fire Elementals. Lomadia winced in sympathy.

"You're getting good at this, Zoeya," Rythian remarked.

"All thanks to your teaching, of course," said Zoeya modestly.

"Hello? We're fightin' a battle here!" Nilesy reminded them, strolling over with Teep and Elismaeroth.

"Good point, well made," conceded Rythian. "After him!" he shouted, waving the Sword of the Mushroom King at Ĕħîøłþĵæç.

With an enthusiastic battle-cry, the group charged across the battlefield, easily overcoming any Fire Elementals who accosted them on the way. Ĕħîøłþĵæç was soon within sight, duelling mightily with Sariorka. The two of them were surrounded by Ĕħîøłþĵæç's trademark azure blue fire, which constantly threatened to devour Sariorka's feet, but he had a Thunderstaff, which can seriously affect the outcome of most battles. Lightning arced around the staff, constantly striking at Ĕħîøłþĵæç and blocking the vicious tongues of flame he sent at the Lightning Elemental, but it was plain to see that Sariorka was getting tired.

"We can't get to him!" despaired Rythian, gazing in horror at the fiery wall surrounding Sariorka and Ĕħîøłþĵæç.

"Of course you can! Fly!" suggested Teep.

"Oh, right," said Rythian. He, Lomadia and Zoeya took to the air, flying past streams of fire to assail Ĕħîøłþĵæç. Rythian drove the Sword of the Mushroom King down upon Ĕħîøłþĵæç's head, but the demon avoided the attack just in time, and the sword cut off his upper left arm instead.

"AAAAARGH!" roared Ĕħîøłþĵæç, who had by now worked himself up into quite a state, staring in horror as the stump attached to his upper left shoulder.

"There's more where that came from, you knobhead!" shouted Lomadia.

"Shut it, you! Do you want to know the reason why Strawberry, Tim and their idiot friends couldn't kill me?" growled Ĕħîøłþĵæç.

"Do tell," said Elismaeroth calmly, having recovered easily from her burnt and moderately crushed neck.

"Well, it had something to do with this…" said Ĕħîøłþĵæç, fingering the bright red gemstone he wore on a pendant around his neck. All of a sudden, there was a great rushing roar such as might be made by a gale, and the blue fire exploded outwards. Ĕħîøłþĵæç's attackers were scattered like leaves in a hurricane, and the last thing either of them saw was Ĕħîøłþĵæç looking up in terror, and an enormous shape descending from above…

* * *

From the Desert of a Thousand Terrors, an incredible force was emerging. In the body of the former Millennium Toucan, it ascended from the sandstone pillars supporting it, easily overpowering the sandstorm that blocked its path. At over six hundred miles per hour it flew across the sea, the sails tearing themselves free of the masts and fluttering down into the depths, while the propellers on the Toucan's hull quickly reconfigured themselves for steering.

In the engine room, wreathed in irregularly sparking electrical cables, sat the self-built android known as Angela Helgadottir. She had vague, fond memories of a lifetime as a storage chest and friendship with a woman called Zoeya, and an unignorable feeling that that Zoeya might be in danger, so she pushed the Millennium Toucan to the very limits of its ability, neither knowing nor caring what awaited her once she arrived.

After about an hour, Angela could sense a slight change in the air patterns that meant she was on land. Quickly, she disentangled herself from the wires, silently wishing she had a better way of integrating herself with the Toucan's computer systems, and made her way up on deck.

What Angela saw worried her. In the distance, many bright lights shone, interspersed with the occasional extra-bright flash of lightning. Angela heard thunderclaps and the clash of arms, and quickly rushed back to the engine room, directing the Toucan to make a quick landing. Hopefully she wouldn't land on anyone important…

* * *

Flung back by the full force of Ĕħîøłþĵæç's attack, Rythian fell head-over-heels into a Fire Elemental, who promptly tried to kill him. Rythian hastily disembowelled the Elemental, then climbed rather shakily to his feet to see his companions lying in various states of confusion and pain around the Millennium Toucan. There was no mistaking it: Lomadia's airship had just landed on top of Ĕħîøłþĵæç. Shaking his head in the manner of one who's seen it all, Rythian turned back to the other people, asking worriedly if they were all right.

"Is everyone all right?" asked Rythian worriedly.

"Not really…" groaned Lomadia.

"Partially," said Teep gnomically.

"I think so," replied Zoeya.

"Oh my days! Sariorka's under there!" wailed Elismaeroth.

"Okay, then," said Rythian, stepping carefully over a dead Lightning Elemental to the Toucan.

"Hello?" he called. A figure stepped onto the deck above him, posing dashingly with one foot resting on the siderail.

"Yes?" it asked.

"Greetings, good sir! We're a bit busy fighting Fire Elementals now, so feel free to come and join us," offered Rythian.

"They're a bit upset about you landing on Ĕħîøłþĵæç," Lomadia explained.

"Who?" asked the figure on the deck.

"Ĕħîøłþĵæç. He's a powerful demon, and the ruler of the Fire Elementals," Nilesy told her.

"Oh, right. Well, I'd be happy to help," said the figure, and it leapt off the airship, landing sharply on its feet in front of Elismaeroth. It was tall and broad and made entirely of smooth black metal, with curly green and blue patterns on its arms and legs and two angular orange eyes in the usual place. It wore a bomber jacket, black linen trousers and an orange scarf, with two long, thick, deadly swords strapped to its back.

"Angela Helgadottir, at your service!" it said, saluting smartly.

"Angela?! You mean…?" gasped Zoeya.

"The one and only!" declared Angela, unsheathing her swords. "C'mon, let's kill some Fire Elementals."

Belatedly, Rythian realized there was still a battle to be won. Elismaeroth quickly rallied the remaining Lightning Elementals and assorted allies, and they attacked the Fire Elementals.

The two groups met in the shadow of a crashed cloud-ship, in a bloody, violent, too-fast-to-see-what's-going-on melee. Fireballs and lightning flew every which way, swords clashed upon armour, arrows blotted out the sun (Teep had attached a bedsheet to one. It's a long story.), and within seconds, dozens of lives were ended.

"Is that it?" asked Nilesy, after the chaos had died down somewhat.

"Probably. The Fire Elementals are surrendering, but a few of them don't know that yet," replied Elismaeroth, absentmindedly clobbering a Fire Elemental who had snuck up behind her.

"Oh, right. D'you think we should tell them?" Nilesy suggested.

"No need!" replied Elismaeroth breezily.

* * *

Ĕħîøłþĵæç was not having a good day. Just as he was about to obliterate the foolish mortals making feeble attempts to fight him off, a socking great airship landed on him, and squashed flat beneath its hull, he was not in a position to remove it.

At least, not without expending a lot of power. He quickly checked the gem still hanging from his neck. Only 23% charge. Damn. He would really have to see about eating a few more souls one of these days… Oh, well. 23% was still enough to do some serious damage…

Drawing on the magical energy sequestered in his gem, Ĕħîøłþĵæç blasted a roaring, blindingly bright column of plasma into the air, punching a neat hole through the Millennium Toucan and maiming a small flock of sparrows overhead. He leapt into the air, deciding in an instant what he had to do: retreat and form a plan of action, and he knew just the place.

"See you later, suckers!" the almost invincible demon roared, gathering up the remainders of his gem's energy and using it to create a vast, glowing portal, into which he stepped. The portal closed just as quickly, winking out with a flash of pure white light.

* * *

"Oh, nooooo!" wailed Lomadia, in a state of advanced despair, staring at the ruined Millennium Toucan with tears in her eyes.

"Don't worry, Lomadia. We'll find him again," Rythian reassured her.

"Forget Ĕħîøłþĵæç! My airship's ruined!" despaired Lomadia.

"Is zat really our priority?" asked Teep, giving Lomadia a condescending look.

"Yes!" sobbed Lomadia. "I built that airship all by myself! My parents disowned me, my boyfriend went away to build a Jaffa cake factory, my dog died, but I always had the Toucan! And now it's…" She trailed off, unable to bring herself to say "destroyed".

"Zere, zere," said Teep soothingly, while Lomadia cried into his shoulder.

"Might I just remind you that my twin brother's probably dead as well?" Elismaeroth interjected.

"No, I'm alive," said Sariorka shakily, climbing out of the hole in the Millennium Toucan's deck.

"Oh, brilliant!" said Elismaeroth happily, helping him down and giving him a hug.

"Now, where do you think Ĕħîøłþĵæç's gone?" asked Rythian.

"Hmm…" pondered Zoeya. "There aren't any pocket universes near here, and only a few parallel dimensions he could teleport to without being attacked by the locals… I think he'd have gone to Argotherium."

"Argotherium? Isn't that the one with the fairies and angels and cute little bunny rabbits?" asked Sariorka dubiously.

Zoeya face-palmed. "Oh, sorry. I meant Zarthogorium," she corrected herself.

Rythian, Elismaeroth, Angela and Sariorka, all of whom knew their way around parallel dimensions, drew in a collective gasp of horror.

"You don't mean…?!" breathed Sariorka.

"What?" asked Nilesy.

"Surely he couldn't…!" Angela trailed off.

"Couldn't what?" asked Nilesy.

"He'd never!" protested Elismaeroth.

"Never what?!" demanded Nilesy.

"Not even Ĕħîøłþĵæç would go there! It's a terrible place!" said Rythian, his voice trembling with a note of fear that had been absent even during the previous few minutes of fighting.

"What's wrong with Zarthogorium?" asked Zoeya.

Elismaeroth flinched. "Don't say that name! We call it the Dark Realm."

"Okay. What's wrong with the Dark Realm?" asked Zoeya.

"For one thing, it's where the Shadow Elementals live, and no other Elemental would dare to speak or even hear its real name," explained Sariorka. "For another thing, it's infested with evil creatures, and the landscape itself is malevolent!"

"What kind of elephant?" asked Zoeya. Sariorka rolled his eyes.

"Not an elephant, you twit! Malevolent! Evil!" fumed Sariorka.

"Oh," conceded Zoeya. "Well, if it's evil, Ĕħîøłþĵæç would fit right in," Zoeya pointed out.

"True, but if so, he has gone where we cannot follow," said Rythian solemnly.

"Of course we can follow! I'll teleport us there now if you like," offered Zoeya, gathering up some magical energy for interplanar teleportation.

"NO!" chorused Rythian, Sariorka and Elismaeroth, but it was too late. Pale pink mist began to pour out of Zoeya's fingers, enveloping the party and several unfortunate Lightning Elemental warriors. There was a flash of light, and they disappeared…

* * *

"Honestly, Zoeya, you are the absolute limit!" complained Rythian, appearing along with the others in the battlefield they had departed a short while ago, to a chorus of cheerful greetings from the Lightning Elementals.

"Look, how many times can I apologise?" Zoeya protested. "I thought-"

"Well, don't! It's not as if you do any good thinking!" snapped Rythian. "I don't know… Two hours in the Dark Realm! Two bloody hours fighting off Death Wyverns, two sodding hours hiding from Withers, two goddamn hours trudging through the Tar Swamps of Doom, two stupid hours not killing Ĕħîøłþĵæç! And worst of all, my cape's torn!"

"And lots of Lightning Elementals died," Sariorka reminded him.

"Funny, that," said Nilesy. "Every single Lightnin' Elemental except Ellie and Sariorka died, and all of us humans-" Teep coughed politely, "All of us mortal, non-Elemental beings-" Angela tapped him on the shoulder, "Ach, fer cryin' out loud! Me, Lomadia, Rythian, Zoeya, Norbert, Angela and Teep are still alive! It's almost as if we're somehow more important than those poor, innocent Lightning Elementals who snuffed it fer our cause…"

"Anyway, we need to figure out where Ĕħîøłþĵæç actually went," Sariorka pointed out. "Lomadia, are you all right?" he added. Even after two hours, Lomadia was still upset.

" 'M fine," she said sulkily.

"Right…" said Sariorka dubiously. "Now, any ideas?"

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it?" said Angela.

"Obvious!" cried Rythian, in disbelief.

"Out with it, man… woman… robot… whatever!" Elismaeroth encouraged Angela.

"Ĕħîøłþĵæç's gone to the Ethereal Storage Realm!" declared Angela.

Teep hastily scribbled on his blackboard (he kept it with him just in case), and held it up for all to see. It read, "Dun-dun-dunnnnnnn!"

"Oh, come on! Once was enough!" said Rythian exasperatedly. Lomadia coughed.

"Nevertheless, my theory holds true. Ĕħîøłþĵæç has fled to the Ethereal Storage Realm. Think about it, there's so much clutter there nobody would notice a demon among it all, unless they were strongly attuned to the Aura, and if they were, Ĕħîøłþĵæç would know in time to take precautions. It's the perfect hidie-hole!"

"Do you really think so?" asked Elismaeroth seriously.

Angela's grin would have made even the most lion-hearted of folk quake in their boots. "Trust me. I'm a storage chest."

* * *

"Before we begin, are you absolutely sure no harm could come to us?" asked Zoeya, standing in a pentagram alongside Rythian, Lomadia, Elismaeroth, Nilesy, Sariorka, Teep, Norbert, and an assortment of brave (read: suicidal) Lightning Elementals.

"No," replied Angela, who had taken up position in front of the pentagram.

"Thought not…" sighed Zoeya.

"In your own time, Angela," said Rythian.

Angela cleared her throat, drew on the power of a leyline intersecting the pentagram, raised her face to the heavens and shouted the following word: "Loxocus!"

Purple lightning arced out of her fingers and onto the pentagram, spreading fire along the lines and singeing Lomadia's shoes. Multicoloured light swirled around them, and it seemed as if the entire universe was staggering home from the pub at the speed of light. In various states of confusion and terror, the party flew through the fabric of reality, landing eventually in a jumbled heap on a featureless grey floor.

"Nilesy, get your foot out of my ear!" said Teep laboriously.

"I will if ye get yer tail oot of my back," retorted Nilesy.

"Is this the Ethereal Storage Realm, then?" asked Lomadia, taking a first look at her surroundings. The ground was smooth and dark grey, and above her there was only the utter blackness of the Void. Dotted around the featureless grey plane were neatly arranged clusters of objects, fenced off from the other clusters with chicken wire. They were tended by herds of Outermen: tall, lanky, miserable-looking creatures the same grey colour as the ground, stalking like living shadows among the objects. They were closely related to Endermen, and a few of them were coming towards the new arrivals, but they didn't look angry, so nobody was too worried.

"I think it is," Lomadia decided.

Slowly but surely, the party disentangled themselves from each other. Teep, Norbert and the human group were only mildly disorientated, but the Lightning Elementals were in a terrible state. Some were unconscious, others delirious, and Zoeya was still buried under them, so the rest of the group reluctantly set about manhandling them apart.

Once most of the Lightning Elementals were laid out in neat rows, an urgent stirring from beneath the mound revealed Zoeya, poking a bleary-eyed head above Elismaeroth's back.

"Did you get that ice cream van's number plate?" she asked shakily.

"Damn it, Zoeya! I'm a doctor, not a number plate getter!" protested Sariorka, rising self-righteously to his feet at the top of the pile.

"Are you all right, Zoeya?" asked Nilesy, helping her over the reduced heap of Lightning Elementals and ignoring Sariorka.

"Yep. I'm not sure about him, though," replied Zoeya, pointing to Sariorka, who was busily trying to give one of the Lightning Elementals a medical check with a small banana.

"Leave him to me," said Lomadia confidently, strolling nonchalantly over to Sariorka. "Snap out of it, man!" she ordered, giving him a firm shake.

"I'm a doctor, not an out-of-it-snapper!" protested Sariorka, holding his banana defensively.

"Yes, of course you are," said Lomadia woodenly. "Come on, you could do with a nice lie-down."

"Oh, god! It's a Shadow Elemental!" wailed Sariorka, pointing a trembling finger at four of the grey creatures, who were watching them intently. "Quick, Scotty! Beam me up before they get me!"

" 'Scotty'? Are you referring, by any chance, to me?" asked Nilesy haughtily.

"Aaaargh!" screamed Sariorka, flopping down onto the ground.

"His poor heart cannae take it!" gasped Nilesy, kneeling worriedly beside the unconscious warrior.

"Well, since you know so much about hearts, you can help him," suggested Zoeya, throwing Nilesy the banana.

"What? I cannae work miracles!" protested Nilesy, holding the banana over Sariorka in considerable confusion.

"Oh, my head…" groaned Elismaeroth, climbing shakily to her feet.

"You're awake!" cried Lomadia, rushing over with Zoeya and leaving Nilesy to do what he could for Sariorka.

"Only just… Can somebody get me a cup of coffee?" asked Elismaeroth.

"Since when did Lightning Elementals get so woozy after trans-dimensional travel?" asked Rythian.

"What's a Lightning Elemental?" asked Elismaeroth curiously. "And where are we? Who are you? Is this the Delta Quadrant?"

"It's… it's the Ethereal Storage Realm," replied Rythian bemusedly.

"How did we get here?!" demanded Elismaeroth, then a realisation struck her, and she looked daggers at the world around her. "That Caretaker! Well, I'll show him. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to the Alpha Quadrant," declared Elismaeroth, striding off imperiously.

"Poor Elismaeroth! Such a great mind, reduced to the level of a gibbering vegetable…" despaired Norbert.

"I'm a teapot!" declared one of the Lightning Elementals.

"Oh, shut up," said Norbert.

* * *

After a few minutes of exploration, Nilesy managed to find his personal bit of the Ethereal Storage Realm, which contained lots of marble slabs (for building pools, remember?). He and the others put them to good use erecting a crude but effective shelter, in which they had a slap-up meal and discussed their plans for what to do about Ĕħîøłþĵæç. Well, most of them did; Elismaeroth and Sariorka chose instead to discuss at length their imaginary time as space adventurers, the other Lightning Elementals slept under the watchful eye of Teep, and Nilesy was tactfully trying to keep the Outermen away from them.

"The way I see it," said Zoeya intellectually, "is that if we are here, and Ĕħîøłþĵæç is elsewhere, we simply have to redefine 'here' and 'elsewhere' until they coincide, at which point we'll be able to slay him at our leisure."

"That would be a good plan," said Rythian tactfully, "but for the fact that it's complete and utter nonsense with as much basis in fact as me being a little gnome called Kevin."

"Oh, right," acknowledged Zoeya.

"Well, perhaps we could track him down with magic," suggested Lomadia.

"An excellent idea, but with one minor drawback: if we scry on or otherwise magically locate him, Ĕħîøłþĵæç will know where we are, and he'll be able to plan accordingly," pointed out Angela, who had teleported directly into the marble shelter a few minutes ago, muttering a completely made-up excuse for her tardiness.

"Does this mean we'll have to scour the whole place by hand until we find Ĕħîøłþĵæç?" asked Norbert.

"Not necessarily," replied Angela. "It seems to me that we're missing the most simple solution: use a lure."

Rythian was suddenly interested. "What kind of lure?"

"No idea," replied Angela. Rythian muttered a vague and highly insulting comment about her parentage.

"Language!" gasped Zoeya.

"H-how did you hear that?" asked Rythian, blushing furiously.

"No, the lure! We could lure Ĕħîøłþĵæç here with language!" declared Zoeya.

"How?" asked Norbert dubiously.

"Simple! We recite weird, mysterious poetry to get his interest, and when he comes over to see what's going on, we attack," declared Zoeya.

The others gave this some serious thought.

"Do you think it'll work?" asked Lomadia.

"Maybe," replied Rythian, "and even if it doesn't, what harm can it do?"

* * *

When Elismaeroth and Sariorka finally came to their senses, it was to hear Zoeya butchering classic poetry, to the accompaniment of Nilesy playing the harmonica and Rythian assuring the Elementals that they hadn't embarrassed anyone while they were going mad. They and the rest of the Lightning Elemental army were only too happy to join in the poetry recitals, and soon all that could be discerned out of it all was white noise.

This did, however, have the desired effect: Ĕħîøłþĵæç emerged from his hiding place and stormed over, demanding that whoever was making that bloody noise shut up, and when he realised what people were responsible, all hell broke loose.

"You again?!" he cried, cursing his ill fortune. Ĕħîøłþĵæç raised his three remaining hands, launching azure blue fireballs from each one. Two of them found their mark, bowling Nilesy off his feet and leaving a Lightning Elemental unable to walk for three months after the battle.

"Quick! Give him a volley!" ordered Elismaeroth, and all the Lightning Elementals (barring the temporarily crippled one) hurled bright, crackling lightning at the demon, most of which he managed to deflect, but it was enough of a distraction for Zoeya and Rythian to get airborne and push him to the ground with a magical wind.

Ĕħîøłþĵæç's policy was to fight fire with fire, so once more he called up a mighty azure blue blaze, erupting from the grey floor and streaming up at the two flying mages. Zoeya and Rythian flew in two different directions, the former throwing her pickaxe at Ĕħîøłþĵæç. It lodged in his torso, acting as a lightning rod for the next volley of lightning. Ĕħîøłþĵæç howled in pain and anger, diverting the streams of fire at the Elementals. They scattered, running hither and yon, pursued by tendrils of fire. Elismaeroth, however, charged at the demon, letting electricity flow into her doublesword. She brought it down hard on Ĕħîøłþĵæç's head, giving him pause for thought, and Rythian saw an opportunity.

"Come on, Zoeya!" he ordered, unsheathing the Sword of the Mushroom King and flying down at full tilt towards Ĕħîøłþĵæç. He slashed the demon's legs, severing one at the knee and crippling the other. Ĕħîøłþĵæç fell awkwardly to the ground in terrible pain, screaming terrible curses at everyone around him.

"Do you wish to surrender?" offered Rythian charitably.

"Are you crazy?!" cried Elismaeroth.

"Of course he is! I don't know the meaning of surrender, you sorcerous mother****er!" growled Ĕħîøłþĵæç.

"Okay, then," said Rythian, and he stabbed Ĕħîøłþĵæç through the heart. All noise in the Ethereal Storage Realms ceased, and the air rushed towards Ĕħîøłþĵæç. The Sword of the Mushroom King glowed bright red, then orange, then yellow, then blinding white; Ĕħîøłþĵæç's flesh began to burn with an azure flame around the cut. The fire crawled up Ĕħîøłþĵæç's body, devouring his skin and releasing his energy into the Ethereal Storage Realm.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Ĕħîøłþĵæç, just before the fire reached his mouth and cut him off. Blue light was now emanating from within him, getting brighter by the second. Everybody around him wisely decided to throw themselves to the ground and lie as flat as possible, and at that very moment, Ĕħîøłþĵæç exploded. A roaring blue fireball expanded out from him, scorching the grey floor and almost melting Norbert. Rythian caught the brunt of it, his red matter armour cracking and melting. It was agonizingly painful.

After a few short seconds which seemed like hours, the fireball was gone, and all that remained of it was the Sword of the Mushroom King, lying innocuously on the ground, and Rythian, barely alive in his cracked, melted red matter armour.

"Oh, Rythian!" cried Zoeya, and she rushed over to him, pouring as much energy as she could muster into his body, stabilising him. She and Lomadia carried him away, with Nilesy bearing the Sword of the Mushroom King for the time being.

In silence, bar the obligatory "Loxocus!", Angela transported them back to the real world, where the Sun was just setting. Zoeya and Lomadia laid Rythian on the ground, where the Lightning Elemental physicians did their best for him, and he was soon back on his feet, if a little woozy. Zoeya shed tears of joy, and they and the Elementals boarded the few remaining cloud-ships, where they enjoyed a sumptuous victory feast.

But Zoeya was only half aware of the celebrations. Ever since Ĕħîøłþĵæç died, she had been almost in a dream, drifting through the world and going through the motions of existing without much real thought for what was actually going on. She knew she had something else to do, something she desperately needed to say, but she couldn't say it just yet. There was a time and a place, and this was neither.


	12. Epilogue and Pronunciation Guide

**Author's Note**

This is the last part of the story, and I can't think of anything interesting to put in this author's note, besides the fact that I hope you enjoy it. A pronunciation guide is provided after this epilogue, which you may peruse at your leisure. And yes, it _is _possible to pronounce Ĕħîøłþĵæç. I know, because I've actually done it on a few occasions.

Now, without further ado, on with the epilogue!

**Epilogue**

It was three weeks to the day that Rythian slew the demon Ĕħîøłþĵæç. He and Zoeya stood at the peak of a small but eager to please mountain next to the fire-blackened site of their new home, which Zoeya had christened the Palace of the Mushroom King's Sword. The remaining Fire Elementals had helped them build it, after some persuasion from Elismaeroth and Sariorka, and it was much more stylish than its predecessor: five tall, thin ebony towers surrounded a mighty pentagonal central tower, stretching up to the clouds, which flowed like fluffy white honey around its peaked roof. High arched bridges inlaid with gold linked the towers together, and the ground around it was already sprouting new grass and flowers.

Zoeya, however, was still not satisfied. She knew there was one more thing she had to do, without which her and Rythian's victory would never be complete, but she couldn't work out what it was. A thought struck Zoeya, and she turned to Rythian. "Does this mean we've won, then?" she asked.

"It certainly does!" replied Rythian.

"Oh," said Zoeya, turning back to the completed palace. Then, with an enormous weight off her heart, the words she had been yearning to say for the past three weeks finally reached her tongue.

"YES!" she shouted, throwing her arms around Rythian. "We did it! I… we… I mean, um… yippee! I can't believe it!" Laughing with delight, Rythian hugged her back.

"But I've changed, Rythian," Zoeya pointed out, pulling away from the embrace and staring into Rythian's deep, soulful, brooding eyes. "This journey has touched me in ways I never thought possible! Will I ever be the same person again?"

"Don't worry, Zoeya, I'll always love you just the same," Rythian reassured her.

"Nevertheless, will I ever be the same person again?" repeated Zoeya. "Find out in the next exciting instalment of the Sword of the Mushroom King!"

Rythian stared at her.

* * *

Lomadia, too, stared in disbelief at the sight awaiting her. "You… you rebuilt it!" she breathed, gazing in awe at the new and improved Millennium Toucan, sitting pretty on the new landing gantries, its raised onramp facing the elevated wooden walkway suspended between the trees of Lomadia's owl sanctuary.

"Hey, what are friends for?" asked Angela, putting an arm around Lomadia's shoulder. Lomadia was too happy to speak, so Nilesy thanked the former storage chest in Lomadia's name.

"Thank you so much!" he said.

"And what's more, what the Lightning Elementals did all those weeks ago got on the news. This is now the highest profile owl sanctuary in the world, and homeless owls are literally flocking to move in!" declared Angela.

"Bless their little hearts!" said Lomadia, shedding tears of joy.

* * *

"…And that should just about do it," declared Tim Folderol, gently removing his magic wand from Teep's throat.

"That's it? I've got a proper voice now?" asked Teep dubiously, before grinning from ear to ear when he realised how he sounded. "I have! Oh, thank you! You can't imagine how horrible it's been sounding like a German lady!" he rejoiced. "Not that there's anything wrong with sounding female, it's just that I prefer my natural voice," he added, hastily.

"So, anyway, Strawberry's sorted out transport for your journey home," Tim said, gesturing to an indistinct shape in the back garden.

"Really?" asked Teep.

"Yep. It's called Ulysses the Fourth, and I think you're gonna like it!" declared Strawberry, leading him by the hand to the cottage's back garden, in which was parked a small horse-drawn carriage.

"No death-defying airborne chases, no ludicrous acrobatics, just a nice, relaxing drive home with nothing whatsoever to worry about!" explained Tim. "Except the dung…" he added sourly.

"And don't I know it…" agreed Strawberry, staring ruefully at her rather stained shoes.

"Goodbye, and thanks for everything!" farewelled Teep, climbing into the carriage and setting off home at a leisurely pace.

* * *

"So," said Elismaeroth, pulling up a chair next to Sariorka on the bridge of their cloud-ship, "what do we do now?"

"Well, I was thinking we could take a nice, relaxing holiday, maybe to the Islands of Eternity," proposed Sariorka. "Nice food, warm weather, plenty of savages to subjugate…"

"I like it!" agreed Elismaeroth.

* * *

Deep within the Dark Realm of Zarthogorium, the ghost of Ĕħîøłþĵæç awoke to find a tall, imposing figure glaring down at him, levelling a trident at his incorporeal throat.

"Greetings, I am a man of wealth and taste. Welcome to Hell!" it declared.

Ĕħîøłþĵæç snapped the trident in two, grabbed the tasteful wealthy man by the shoulders and hugged him.

"Beelzebub, old chum! Is it really you?!" he laughed.

"Ĕħîøłþĵæç! I never thought I'd see the day!" agreed Beelzebub. "By the way, you're paying for that trident."

**...And that's it! Now, here's the pronunciation guide:**

Rythian: RITH-ee-un

Zoeya: zo-AY-uh

Norbert: NOR-bert

Teep: teep

Nilesy: NILE-zee

Lomadia: low-MAR-dee-uh

Elismaeroth: ELL-iz-MARE-oth

Sariorka: SA-ree-ORK-uh

Tim: tim

Strawberry: STRAW-be-ry

Ulysses III: YOU-li-seez the third

Ĕħîøłþĵæç: EH-ee-OLTH-zhase

Argotherium: ARR-goe-THEAR-ee-um

Zarthogorium: ZAR-tho-GORE-ee-um

Blackrock Stronghold: BLACK-rock STRONG-hold

The Sword of the Mushroom King: the SAWED ov the MUSH-room king

Genevieve von Bravenhearten: JEN-uh-veev von BRAVE-en-HART-en


End file.
